"Why was your mother useless to you? How did she fail you?" Jenny kept her distance but moved until she was facing the very angry woman. "Tell her, Crystal."
"She didn't care."
"How. Tell her how," Jenny urged, keeping her voice gentle. "I'm your mother, Crystal. Tell me what I did that was so bad to you."
Crystal's respiration increased as did her movements, pacing back and forth in a small line. "She didn't wait for us at the bus stop like the other moms did. She didn't make us lunches and we had to get the free lunch at school which everyone knows is for the poor kids." "What else?"
A strangled cry broke from Crystal's lips. "What else? You really wanna know?" She pushed right in front of Jenny's face, noting the involuntary flinch. "How about not making sure the rips in my pants were fixed before I wore them to school. How about having dinner that didn't come in a metal tray? I hated those!" she said before turned and storming deliberately to where the punching bag stood, her back to Jenny. "Would it have killed you to make one fucking dinner once in a while?" Crystal's right fist connected solidly with the bag. "Would it have been so difficult for you to show up to just one of the open houses at school?" A sharp thwack reverberated through the room as the angry woman's fist connected again. "Why couldn't you have cared enough about us to leave him?"
Jenny sat cross legged down on the mat, letting Crystal release her frustrations and rants to the punching bag. She winced at one particularly loud punch and knew next time she would have to insist on her patient wearing the boxing gloves. The child whose right to be heard had been so long denied roared with a vengeance, crying out to whoever would listen of the injustices she had suffered. Crystal's raging display lasted for long minutes until the young woman slumped to her knees and hung her head. Jenny grabbed some tissues and crossed the mat quickly, arriving just Crystal's shoulders began to shake.
"Why?" Crystal sobbed, helplessly clutching herself. "I just don't understand why."
Jenny put her hands on the young woman's shoulders, squeezing gently. "You may never know why your mother did the things she did, Crystal but at some point you have to accept that you can't change what happened."
"No, I can't can I?" Crystal sniffed, taking the offered tissue and wiping her face. "But that doesn't make it hurt any less." "You're right. It doesn't." Jenny said softly. "But when you learn to accept it and move on, the pain will lessen. You are a strong woman, Crystal. You can get through this."
"It doesn't feel like it." Crystal said with a hitch to her voice. "I
I feel like this pain will never go away." The constant tears were ending as were the chest heaving sobs. Feeling embarrassed by her emotional display, Crystal took the offered tissue and wiped her eyes and face. "So this is how you know it's working, Doc?"
"Therapists have a daily quota of patients they have to get to cry," Jenny deadpanned. "What can I say? I was behind today." "Bawling like that should keep your quota filled for the week," Crystal replied, giving the smallest of smiles at the joke. Feeling reasonably in control of her feelings, she stood up and headed for the recliner.
Jenny remained on the mat, turning around so she could face her patient. "What are you feeling right now?"
"Fine," Crystal answered automatically.
"I didn't ask how you felt. I asked what you were feeling. Fine isn't going to fit. Try again."
Crystal shot her therapist a glare but it lacked any threat with the red rimmed eyes and downcast expression. Shrugging, she tried to find words to put to the turmoil spinning inside. "I dunno. Kinda empty, I guess."
"And that will happen," Jenny said gently. "I suspect, however, there is more than what you're saying."
Nodding reluctantly, Crystal smiled ruefully. "Guess that's why you're the therapist, eh Doc?" With a sigh, she tried to put the jumbled mess into order. "Sometimes I wonder what she's doing, if she ever left him. When I was a kid, I always thought if she just left him that everything would be all right." She gave a snort. "Dreams of kids."
"You're not a kid anymore."
"It doesn't make sense. How can this be? How can I hate her so much one minute and wonder what she's doing the next?"
"Perhaps what you felt wasn't hate. People are going to disappoint you. That's just a fact of life. When a friend or acquaintance does it, that's one thing but when someone close to us fails us, that's much harder to accept."
Crystal looked at Jenny thoughtfully, then nodded. "This ain't gonna be easy, Doc."
"I told you growth is a great deal of hard work," Jenny said. "And like it or not, you're going to stumble along the way and need guidance. Just don't be afraid to reach out when you do."
"Oh hey," Crystal said, noticing the time. "We went over."
"That happens at times," Jenny said, rising to her feet. "Life doesn't always fit neatly within an hour." Crystal rose as well but sat down when the therapist shook her head. "Not yet. We need to put some closure on this session before you leave."
"Oh yippee," the blonde said unenthusiastically. "I love the closure part of our time."
"I know you do," Jenny said as she took a seat on the couch. "It's your favorite part next to the hug, isn't it?"
"Yeah, a real tossup between the two," Crystal said wryly. "And after this I have to stop at the store and pick up some half and half because Helen doesn't like milk in her coffee."
"Considering how you were when you first walked through the door I'm sure she's very happy you stopped here first."
"Yeah, well" Crystal shrugged. "I'll deal with her."
"Tolerance and patience, Crystal. Remember that." Jenny settled back and picked up her clipboard. "Now let's finish up here so we can both go home."
Crystal didn't have to open the door to easily identify the music blaring through the walls. The Jeep was absent which meant only one thing, Helen was home alone and Crystal would have to entertain her until Laura returned. With a heavy sigh she turned the knob and entered.
Laura had apparently been gone for some time if the hurricane that swept through the living room was any indication. Helen was lounged across the couch, remote in one hand and the phone in the other. Gum wrappers littered the coffee table and loose papers were scattered about. Crystal went straight into the kitchen, not wanting to listen to Helen's phone call. Probably another long distance call, she thought while putting the creamer into the refrigerator. An almost empty six pack of beer caught Crystal's attention. Wait a minute. I had four of those left when I went to work this morning. Now fuming, she took the remaining bottle for herself and forcefully shut the refrigerator door.
"Oh there you are," Helen called from the doorway. "I saw you come in but I was on the phone. Did you remember to get my half and half?" "It's in the fridge," Crystal replied, leaning against the counter and bringing the bottle to her lips. "By the way, the beer you drank was mine."
"Oh it was? Well I am sorry I didn't check. I just assumed it was there for the taking." Without the benefit of a hat, Helen's platinum hair stood out almost shock straight from her head and Crystal could only wonder if Phyllis Diller had been the inspiration for the hairdo. "I guess you wouldn't know if no one said anything to you," Crystal acquiesced reluctantly. "Most everything in the fridge is shared but the beer and those health nut things that Laura likes."
"So how was your day today?" Helen asked, crossing the room and settling down at the kitchen table.
"It was fine. We finished hanging the drywall on the fourth floor."
"You have to excuse me but you're far too pretty to be playing Rosie the riveter. You could be a model."
Crystal took another long pull on her beer, making no effort to leave her comfortable space leaning on the counter. "Looks only last for so long. And I don't rivet anything. I screw drywall to the framing studs. That's a marketable skill in the construction industry."