She was thinking about it. Breathing hard. "Fine," she decided.
"You let that get started again," he said, "then you do the same with me. All right? Just like dancing. Variations. All right?"
She drew a deep, deep breath, and she took his advice, until he suddenly felt himself losing control. "Ease up," he said. "Stop."
She did. He managed all right then, finding it smoother with her than with sera—but of course it would be. Catlin would listen, even when it was hard to listen, and he had a far better idea this time what he was doing.
He warned her of things. She was as careful with him as he was with her, not to draw a surprise reaction: he had more confidence in her in that way too.
She did not put a mark on him. Sera had, a lot of them.
He finished; and said, out of breath: "Most I can do, Catlin. Sorry. Second round for me. I'm awfully tired."
She was quiet a minute, out of breath herself. "That was all right." In the thoughtful way she had when she approved of something.
He hugged her, on that warm feeling. She didn't always understand why he did things like that. He didn't think she had understood this time, just that it was temporary reflex, a sex thing, but when he kissed her on the forehead and said he had better get back to his own bed:
"You can stay here," she said, and sort of fitted herself to him puzzle-fashion and gave him a comfortable spot it was just easier not to leave.
They had to get up before sera anyway.
vi
Ari woke up at the Minder-call, remembered what she had done last night, and lay there for a minute remembering.
A little scared. A little sore. It had not been quite like the tapes—like real-life, a little awkward. But someone had said—the tape, she thought—that happens; even sex takes practice.
So they were twelve pushing thirteen real hard. Which was young. Her body wasn't through growing, Florian's wasn't. She knew that made a difference.
The tape had said so. "Does Ari have any reference on sex?" Ari asked
Base One.
But Base One only gave her the same thing it had always given, and she had read that so often she had it memorized.
She had been irresponsible, completely, last night, that was what kept eating at her. She could have hurt them, and the worst thing was she still could: this morning she was still on, —a whole lot cooler and calmer, but sex was just like the tape, hard to remember what it felt like the minute it was over, a damn cheat, leaving just a curiosity, something you kept picking at like a fool picking at a scab to see if it hurt—again.
It was hard to remember a whole lot of things when thatgot started.
Like responsibility. Like people you cared about.
Like who youwere.
Ari senior was right. It messed up your thinking. It couldtake over. Real easy.
Sex is when you're the most vulnerable you'll ever be. Brains is when you're least.
Damn those shots! They're Working me, that's what they're doing, they're Working me and I can't stop it, Dr. Ivanov can pull my license if I don't take them, and I know what they're doing, dammit!
That stuff is still in my bloodstream. I can still feel it. Hormones gone crazy.
And I still want to pull Florian in and try it again like a damn fool.
Fool, fool, fool, Ari Emory!
"Are you all right?" she cornered Florian to ask, before breakfast, in the hallway. Carefully. Careabout things. It was the only antidote.
"Yes, sera," Florian said, looking anxious—perhaps for being pulled alone out of the kitchen and far down the hall and backed against the wall, perhaps thinking they were going to go through it again.
Calm down. Don't confuse him. You've done enough, fool. She could hear maman, could hear maman clear when she did something stupid— Dammit, Ollie!"You're sure. I want you not to try to make me feel good, Florian. If I did something wrong, tell me."
"I'm fine." He took a deep breath. "But, sera, —Catlin and I—she—I— Sera, I slept with her last night. We—did sex too. It felt all right—then. It wasall right, —wasn't it?"
Surge of hormones. Badtemper. Panic. She found her breath coming hard and folded her arms and turned away, looking at the stonework floor a moment until she could jerk herself sideways and back to sense.
Stupid, Ari. Real stupid. Look what's happened.
She's his partner, not me, what in hell am I being jealous for? I did a nasty thing to him and he doesn't even know it's not right.
Oh, dammit, Ari. Dammit!
Flux. That's what sex sets loose. A hell of a flux-state. Hormones. That's what's going on with me.
I wonder if I could writethis up for one of Dr. Dietrich's damn papers.
"But she's all right," she said, looking around at Florian—at a painfully worried Florian. "She is all right this morning, isn't she? I mean, you don't think it's messed anything up between you. That'swhat I'm worried about."
His face lightened, a cloud leaving. "Oh, no, sera. No. Just—we got to thinking about it— Sera, Catlin was just curious. You know how she is. If it was there she wants to know about it, and if it involved me—she—really needs to know, sera, she really needs to understand what's going on." The frown came back. "Anything I do—is her, too. It has to be."
She put her hand on his arm, took his hand and squeezed it hard. "Of course it does. It's all right. It's all right,Florian. I'm only upset if you two are. I don't blame you. I don't care what you did. I only worry I could have hurt you."
"No, sera." He believed everything. He would do anything. He looked terribly relieved. She took his arm through hers and held on to his hand, walking him back down the hall toward the kitchen where rattles and closings of doors said Catlin was busy.
"But Catlin's not as social as you. And sex is a hell of a jolt, Florian, an awful hormone load." But it's the flux-values it goes crazy with. Flux and feedback loop, brain and hormones interacting. That's what's going on with me. CIT processing. The whole environment fluxing in values. Even Florian doesn't flux-think that heavy."It didn't bother her—really?"
"I really don't think so. She said it—was sort of like a good workout."
A little laugh got away from her, just surprise on top of the angst, that left her less worried and more so, in different directions. "Oh, damn. Florian. I don't know everything I ought to. I wish I was azi, sometimes. I do. Keepan eye on Catlin. If her reactions aren't up to par, or yours aren't, I want to know it, I want to know it right then—call me if you have to stop an Exercise to do it, hear?"
"Yes, sera."
"I just worry—just worry because I'm responsible, that's all. And experimeriting around with us makes me nervous, because I can't go and ask, I just have to try things and I really need you to tell me if I do wrong with you. You object, hear me, you objectif you think I'm doing something I shouldn't."
"Yes, sera." Automatic as breathing.
They reached the kitchen. Catlin was setting out plates. Catlin looked up at them, a little query in the tension between her brows.
"No troubles with me," Ari said. "Florian told me everything. It's all right."