I had wonderful support. My prayers at that time were so full of grace that I heard not only the sounds of wonderful music but also sensed the presence of Him who is the Source of Light. Two years later I took full vows. The trying life of a convent I found easy and joyous. I was constantly anticipating these visitations and they even became the object of my prayers.
One time when I was at prayer, something happened to me. It was as if a hot and playful wind enveloped me, caressed all of me and wordlessly asked me to consent to surrender to it. I had experienced nothing similar previously, and despite an unusually strong desire to prolong these sensations, I refused. But the caressing continued and the hot air spiraled around me, penetrating my breasts and loins. Then, as if awakening, I cried out to the Lord, and immediately heard hissed cursing and a slight jolt.
These phenomena began to recur. I told the prioress about them. I fear she was not discreet and many heard about it from her. I began to gain the reputation of a madwoman. Remembering my aunt’s illness, I realized that there might be a hereditary tendency to insanity and, eager to persuade myself that this was not the case, that is, that I really was being tempted by the Devil and was not merely ill, I learned to summon this demon. It gave me the feeling that it was not he who ruled me, but I him. The more so since I was always able to stop the temptation in time. Now I realize this was a dangerous game, but that did not immediately occur to me. At times the demon simply paralysed me so that I could not move my hand to protect myself with the sign of the Cross. I couldn’t even say a prayer, my throat seemed to freeze. These noctural battles lasted for hours while the other sisters were sleeping peacefully.
The priest forbade me to have any contact, to inwardly consort with a being to which he gave the name of Satan. I was afraid to utter that word, but after it had been said by the priest, I could no longer deceive myself. The priest assured me that the Enemy can never cause us harm unless we ourselves consent to it.
The more Satan tormented me, the more the Lord consoled me. This lasted for several years, and then there occurred what I have already told you about. I took the vow relating to L. which I was unable to honor.
I would not burden you with this tale of my oppressive spiritual phenomena of years past if this temptation had not befallen me again. To my profound regret I no longer receive those prayerful joys, those quiet rapturous moments of the presence of God which were there in the past. The prayers I incessantly send heavenwards remain unanswered.
Your unfortunate
Teresa
5. October 1978, Vilnius
L
ETTER FROM
T
ERESA TO
V
ALENTINA
F
ERDINANDOVNA
Dear Valentina Ferdinandovna,
Over the past month so many completely astounding things have happened that I really don’t know where to begin.
After prolonged but unsuccessful attempts to meet the prioress she consented to see me. Our conversation was unpleasant in the extreme. She said she would not give refuge to one possessed and that I was leading the other sisters astray.
After this devastating encounter I went to my father confessor, who was even more firm with me. He said that I evidently had a different vocation, that a good Christian could work for the Lord in the world, too. I really do not understand why they are so intent on driving me away, and when I broached the matter with him he spoke terrible words to me. He said that my spiritual experiences testify to the fact that I am completely in the power of Satan, and in the Middle Ages people like me were burned at the stake for associating with him.
“But St. Anthony, too, had his temptations,” I protested timidly. “If he had had you as his father confessor, would you have sent him to the stake?”
He smiled sarcastically and said, “That is the path the saints tread.” What was he implying? My mind and heart cannot take it in.
Nevertheless, when I left him I had a strange sense of relief. Now I can rely on nothing except the love of the Almighty, and I have given myself to Him. Prayers to the Virgin, whom I always loved so much, have become completely impossible. Her immaculate nature does not allow me to address her. Only Mary Magdalene can now be my protectress. Does my absurd situation not make you smile? Having preserved my virginity for the Lord, I have been expelled for the most dreadful of perversions and feel profoundly guilty for these nocturnal manifestations to me of a power which I hate with all my heart.
The Catholic Church is expelling me, and into whose arms?
I have moved back to my old room, to my dreadful neighbors who hate me and dream only of getting their hands on my accommodation. I spend my days in prayer and in cruel temptations. As before, I go to the Church of the Immaculate Conception on Žv
6. December 1978, Vilnius
F
ROM A LETTER FROM
T
ERESA TO
V
ALENTINA
F
ERDINANDOVNA
… now I am coming to the last part of my sad tale. My only friend, Efim, to whom fate guided me at the library, has greatly supported me all these past months. I do not know how I would have survived physically and financially if it had not been for his unstinting succor. He is a lonely man, and now he has made a very unexpected suggestion that I should enter into a fictitious marriage with him and emigrate to the State of Israel, to the Holy Land.
My mind is in such a state of confusion that I have forgotten to mention the most important thing—Efim is a Jew, although all his spiritual striving is directed toward Orthodoxy. For a long time he did not undergo the sacrament of baptism, and did so only two years ago after his mother died. She would have found it very painful. Since then he has entered ever more fully into the life of the Church.
He attends church services every day and even serves at the altar. He compiles surveys of current spiritual literature for the abbot here, writes papers, and makes translations from foreign languages if the abbot considers a book to be of interest. The abbot has great respect for Efim and loves talking to him. There seem to be very few people so educated and serious-minded within the clergy. In the end, Efim shared with him his intention of becoming a priest. To this the Father Superior said very emphatically that his nationality was a major obstacle on that path and he could hardly imagine a Jew in the role of parish priest. For a Russian flock, the abbot remarked, it would be too great an ordeal.
And this, dear Valentina Ferdinandovna, despite the fact that the abbot is one of the most liberal and enlightened priests! A long time ago, before the war, he went through the ordeal of the labor camps and survived only by a miracle.
There is an Orthodox bishop who lives, or rather, hides, in Vilnius. He, too, is an ex-prisoner, and at the abbot’s request sometimes ordains young people as priests, secretly, of course. A bishop, as you know, has the right to ordain through the laying on of hands anybody he considers worthy, even without their having attended a seminary.
How absurd it is. Efim has a university degree in classics. He is proficient in Greek, Latin, and Hebrew. He is a Candidate of Philology and is so versed in theology that he could lecture at any seminary. The abbot himself told Efim that under different circumstances he could have been a professor at a theological academy! That is how highly the abbot respects him, but even so he refused to give his blessing to his ordination.