There are some intimate matters, dear Valentina, which I would probably never be able to talk about aloud, but for some reason putting them in writing is simpler. My marriage to Efim, which we intended to be spiritual, has not remained so and has gained new meaning. Of course, we could never have taken this decision independently. We are both excessively shy people for such an audacious decision, but we were helped by Brother Daniel. No one could suspect him of being shy! He fought in the war, worked among the Germans, and performed acts of heroism.
Our marital life, blessed by Daniel, is blighted by one obstacle. Perhaps it is the fear and revulsion at physical relations between man and woman which has developed since my childhood that is the cause, but my gate is firmly barred and our intimacy is incomplete. That depresses me greatly, because these are the most critical years, and if we cannot fulfil the main function of marriage and have a child, would it not have been better for us to have remained in our previous state?
Efim comforts me, he is endlessly tender, does not let me out of his arms, and all my sufferings of many years associated with visits of the Enemy have departed.
At times I am downcast by thoughts about my renegacy. I have violated my vows and only the thought of a posterity which could justify that violation gives me strength.
As always, I ask for your prayers, but perhaps you will also be able to give me some practical advice. My poor husband, who beats against my impenetrable, in every sense, virginity, implores me not to be upset and tells me that he is entirely happy, but I am afraid he is saying that only out of compassion. I beg forgiveness for burdening you with my tormenting problems. I wanted to write to you long ago but it is very difficult, and there is no other person in the world to whom I could turn about this.
Your loving
Teresa
42. 1983, Moscow
L
ETTER FROM
V
ALENTINA
F
ERDINANDOVNA TO
T
ERESA
My dear girl,
We have been so close to each other these last years that the feeling arises of a complete and rich friendship and not only of a correspondence. Your last letter greatly disturbed me. Your trust in my diversified experience of life, dear Teresa, is entirely misplaced. My marriage to Arkady Aristarkhovich was not happy, and I fear that the main experience I derived from my matrimonial state was that of enduring. My parents did not like Arkady and did not give me their blessing, but I insisted, and my difficult marriage I subsequently associated with that circumstance. I was passionately in love, blind and deaf to everything. He really was a brilliant man, much older than me, which I found particularly attractive. Already in our first year, when I was pregnant with Kirill, Arkady acquired a mistress, and that shocked me to the core. We lived 20 years together and I was compelled to live in accordance with his ideas about marriage. He had complete sexual freedom, something which I never contemplated. The most bitter thing in my life was that Kirill, as he grew up, inclined to his father’s logic and scolded me for my mute subservience. There was a suggestion of disregard, if not of contempt.
The last year of Arkady Aristarkhovich’s life, when he was seriously ill, his girlfriend came into our house constantly and literally tore the bedpan out of my hands, and that, too, I had to accept meekly. Even at the funeral, by the coffin, this Marianna Nikolaevna stood next to me dressed in deep mourning. I am writing all this so that you should understand, Teresa, that my marriage was very difficult, agonizing, although I preserved it to the very end and never gave Arkady Aristarkhovich a divorce. I did not allow our family to fall apart. For many years that was what he asked me for.
My parents are long dead, and it would seem a matter of no account that I married without their blessing. Now, however, I can say that only in monasticism have I found my vocation. My voluntary nocturnal labors, little different from slavery (you know how hard I find them), give great satisfaction. They are the only thing that I do for the Lord, and this is the one thing that gives me joy.
Life with my son’s family is not easy, but in quite a different way from life with Arkady. Our apartment has long been too small. When the granddaughters were born, I moved into a small room, but now that they have married and are themselves having children, even this small room has become a luxury. Kirill is completely remote from me and I was never close to his wife.
I am writing this so that you should understand from my experience how important it is to follow your destiny. Perhaps if I had not disobeyed my parents, had not flung myself into the agonizing complications of family life, I would have gone into a convent when I was young and my life would have been more blessed.
I am saying all this so that you should ask whether there is some sign in your strange situation, and ask what it might be. Do you really not have near by any experienced guide who could help you resolve this agonizing situation? Spiritual and material things are very closely intertwined in our life, they do not exist separately.
I wondered for a long time how I could help you and finally talked to an old friend. She is a gynecologist and I told her, without of course naming names, about your problem from a medical point of view. She said the following: what is happening to you is not such an unusual disorder, it is called vaginismus, and it usually affects women who have experienced some sexual trauma in childhood or youth. There can be another explanation, a thickening of the hymen, which needs to be removed surgically. Another, very rare, cause of this disorder is a tumor. In all her 40 years of practice she has met only one case of that. She listened to me very attentively but said that from this distance she cannot help. When she heard that you live abroad she assured me that you need a good sexologist. Here that is an unusual profession, but abroad there are unquestionably such services.
She said that it would do no harm at all events to take an anti-spasmodic (something along the lines of No-spa) and a gentle sedative. You just need to find out what these drugs are called in your dispensaries.
Sweet Teresa, I retrace my steps back to the most important thing: no matter how your life has turned out, you must not despair. Of course the fact that you have broken your vows initially almost shocked me, but then I recognized that your attempt to live a secular life may not signify capitulation but a new and fruitful period. May God grant that your life works out and may he send you posterity, which will be the meaning and justification of everything.
Have courage, Teresa. I send you my most ardent prayers.
Yours,
Valentina
43. 1984, Haifa
L
ETTER FROM
H
ILDA TO HER MOTHER
Dear Mother,
Now then, why have you still not come to visit us? Last week Daniel took a German group to Sinai and I went, too. The whole time I was thinking what a pity it was that you were not with us. From the very outset it was a complete delight, a real holiday! Everything went so well. First with the minibus, because it didn’t break down. Usually something fails on the journey. Daniel did not get lost even once. Everywhere we came across people who knew him, and we were not delayed at the border when our documents were being checked. Even the customs officers were obliging!
And Daniel really is the best guide to Israel in the world. How admirably he showed us everything and explained it to us! He talked for four days and we looked to the right and the left. It was a very powerful experience, as if in those four days I experienced all of history, from the creation of the world to this night. Our country is very small (I forgot to tell you that last month I received Israeli citizenship, which is why I now say “our”). But can you picture how everything is squeezed into this strip of land from Sinai to Kinneret? The well beside which Abraham received the mysterious strangers; Jacob’s well; the place where Jacob wrestled all night with his unseen adversary; the well into which Joseph’s brothers threw him, and then pulled him out and sold him to merchants; and the burning bush out of which a voice spoke to Moses.