Callum had first said it in the hospital, after the four men attacked him. She didn’t believe him then and neither did I. He was hopped up on pain meds and saying all sorts of crazy shit, most of it to calm me down. I was still a mess of snot and tears over what I’d brought upon him. It wasn’t a pretty sight. But Callum seemed to think so.
His surfer hair was all over the place as he woke up from a deep, drug-induced nap, settling his heavy gaze on me and spreading his lips into an easy smile. “Hey, pretty.”
I looked at him almost in horror. Had he forgotten where he was? Did I have to explain to him all over again that he’d broken almost a dozen bones and was definitely missing the Junior Olympics in seven weeks? “What?” I said harshly, frozen, hugging my knees to my chest on the chair next to his bed. Caroline had gone to get me food but when she took too long, I went out looking for her and found her passed out on a random chair with her head resting on some strange old woman’s shoulder-slash-massive bosom, so I let her be and went back to Callum’s room, hungry, miserable and filled to the brim with self-loathing. He looked so sad when he was asleep, covered in bandages that seeped through with fresh blood no matter how many times the nurses changed them. Watching him alone in silence was the purest torture because he looked beautiful as always but for once, pathetic as well, and it crushed the living hell out of my heart. The fact that he was smiling cluelessly at me now made it feel like it was ripping right in half. “Callum, do you know where you are right now?” I asked with hesitance.
“At home?”
My heart sunk to my stomach. “No.” I exhaled, my shoulders heaving. “You’re in the hospital, Callum. You got beat up yesterday. Real bad.”
“I know that, Lake, I was just fucking with you.”
I stiffened, suppressing the urge to smack him. Not today. He laughed. “As pretty as you are when you cry, don’t do it.”
“Oh, okay,” I rolled my eyes, as if I could just shut off the tears like a shower faucet.
“I don’t want you to feel bad.”
“Yeah, well, you don’t get to decide that.” I hugged my knees tighter to my chest as I listened to the steady beeping of all the machines he was hooked up to. I shuddered, unaccustomed to seeing Callum any kind of helpless or dependent. Even as kids, he’d been the one taking care of Caroline. His dad was never home so he and Elena took care of Caroline and me. We were the girly girls who pitched fits and got moody. They were the rocks. Our anchors. It was quiet for another few minutes as I avoided Callum’s stare. Then, once again:
“Hey, pretty.”
“What, Callum? Are you still high right now?”
“I think so. I want to talk to you though.”
“Then talk to me.”
He frowned. “Why are you being so mean right now?”
“What?” His question was so innocent it jolted me. I blinked, thought about it and then realized I was in fact being sour with him. But it just felt like the balance we needed. I’d been riddled with guilt and waiting for him to blow up at me since the minute I stepped into his room for the first time but he hadn’t. Well, because he was unconscious. But even when he woke up, his first words to me were a light, joking question – “Do I look as shitty as I feel?” So I waited for the drugs to wear off and felt brittle, on edge as I braced myself for Callum to come to and finally realize the severity of what happened. That everything he worked so hard for had been suddenly and brutally ripped away from him. Because of me.
But even between doses of painkillers, he was perfectly calm, even and reasonable with me. More so than usual. It felt fake and I hated it.
“I’m not being mean.”
“You are. You’re acting all shitty right now – I feel all shitty and you’re acting all shitty.” His words were tired, slurred, strung into one long breath.
“Well, you’re being weird.”
“I feel weird. When I breathe, it feels like a little leprechaun is stabbing me from the inside. With a green machete.”
“What are you talking about?”
He shook his head at me. “I don’t know, Lake. I do not… “ He squinted like he forgot what he was saying. But then remembered. “Know.”
I snorted. Jesus. Even back when he smoked weed, he didn’t get high like this. “Are you really that messed up right now? You weren’t too messed up to fuck with me before.”
“I’ll never be too messed up to fuck with you.”
“From one to ten, how high are you right now?”
Callum paused, in deep thought. I was sure he was going to say something stupid like “twelve” or “purple,” but he just stared vacantly through me and finally said, “What?”
“What?”
“I spaced out. Did you ask me something?”
“Oh my God.” I covered my face and finally laughed at him. “I could have so much fun with this if I didn’t feel so bad.”
“Why do you feel bad?”
I was instantly pissy again. “Why do you think I feel bad?”
“Because you think this was your fault but you’re wrong?”
I stared at him, suddenly doubting how loopy he really was. “I’m not wrong, Callum.”
“Yes, you are. This isn’t your fault, Lake. Theo is a shitty person. Whoever those pricks were in the park – they are shitty people. It’s their fault. Not yours. You’re not the one who kicked my ass.”
“Right, but it never would’ve happened if I didn’t date Theo and break up with him and make you save me if he got scary.”
“Who would’ve saved you then? I have to save you.”
“No, you don’t, Callum.”
“Yes, I do.”
I was losing my patience. “No,” I enunciated. “You do not.”
He spaced out again, quiet for a good thirty seconds. I was sure the conversation was over at that point but then he started up again. “Yes, I do, Lake. I love you.”
I stared at him. He hadn’t been looking at me when he said it – he’d been staring blankly into a wall. But when he turned to me, he blinked back like a big stupid dog. A big, stupid, adorable dog that I just wanted to grab by the ears and kiss on the head. I might’ve taken a full three minutes to process those words out of his mouth because in the twelve or so years that we’d known and loved each other, we’d never said it. It wasn’t our thing. We didn’t need it. At least I didn’t think we did. “Callum,” I murmured when I saw myself losing him to the haze again. “Callum, what did you just say?” I whispered, watching him fall actively asleep in front of me.
And then he was out.
I cursed him under my breath. Did he really just tell me he loved me for the first time in a hospital while on drugs and then fall asleep? I hated him for doing that to me and stewed in silence over the fact that it’d be an asshole move to wake him up and ask for clarification. I didn’t settle down till I thought about how many times I’d woken him up in the middle of the night because I knew that if I was restless, the warmth of his chest would put me to sleep. He rarely fell back asleep after waking up and I knew that, but I did it anyway because I was a selfish brat and it felt too good and he never told me to stop. So I took a deep breath and watched his face relax and drift back into slumber. I thought about how if he meant it then I loved him too. Obviously.
And I let him sleep.
* * *
After Callum confirmed his decision to forego college, Caroline grew cold with him in a way I didn’t know she was capable of.
I felt bad because he was freshly out of the hospital and in need of care as he recovered, but she gave it stripped of her signature brand of big, crazy love. She was stiff, formal around Callum and saved her affection for me – for blocking my ears from what the other parents were saying. It was the point at which the whispers were all “that Lake child” or “that trashy girl with the nude pictures.” No one thought about the fact that Theo posted the nude pictures, just that I had posed for them. My classmate knew he’d done it but there was no bringing down Theo Spencer, so they directed their venom at me, mostly on the school boards.