My problem was that I knew I couldn’t do it.
Why won’t the letters do what I want them to do? Normally they dance around and they tell me what they mean and I get it and I can tell Susan but this time I can’t tell her anything. I know the Bad Man made it harder because he knew I was good at this just like that teacher in the tenth grade who was mad at me because I showed him that he was working the quadratic equation wrong and so he made me stand at the front of the class and gave me calculus problems and he was trying to make me sad because I hadn’t read any calculus books and he made me stand there the whole time and work on it and I did get it eventually I did but by then everyone had gone home and when I showed the teacher the next day he said that I had cheated and I got in trouble. I don’t know why I always get in trouble and I’ll probably get in trouble if I solve this puzzle but I want to do it because Susan wants it and if Susan wants it then I have to do it.
Talk to me!
He’s trying to fool me he’s using the same letters over and over again but changing what they stand for like before but more often it’s like the letter only appears once and then it’s something else and that’s why the letters can’t talk to me he won’t let them. But I can sorta see the words even when he keeps changing everything and he won’t tell me where one word ends and the next begins and I think he messed it up in a few places but there’s still a pattern and I can trace that letter that keeps coming over and over again I thought it must be E but it isn’t E and if it isn’t E maybe it’s S and if it’s S why does it keep coming up again and again like one word with two S’s close together like he’s talking to someone and-
Susan.
This was a letter to Susan like maybe they were all letters to Susan but this one really is because her name is in it. Talk to me!
Susan oh no no no no no Susan I have to call Dad or someone or that Patrick and get them to get to Susan oh no quickly Susan oh no oh no oh no no no no no no…
DAM YOU IM ACELERATING YOUR EDUCATION YOURE NEXT SUSAN
I felt like death on a soda cracker, to use one of David’s favorite phrases. I felt as if I had wrapped Rachel up in a box and gift-wrapped her for those narrow-minded prigs she’d been living with. I’d been kidding myself, pretending that I might be smart enough to catch this killer when I knew damn well I wasn’t. Not now. Probably not ever. I was as depressed as I ever remembered being in my entire life. And the worst part of it-I wasn’t even free to drink. Not in a public place, anyway, not when I knew spies might be watching me at any time.
Why did they have to make everything so hard? Why couldn’t they understand? I’m trying, but I’m not Wonder Woman. I’m not perfect. But Rachel wants to live with me, and I want to live with her. Why isn’t that enough?
Just to make matters worse, Lisa was out with some new kisser of the week, and Patrick was too busy babysitting the new feds to step out with me. Not that I really wanted to wake up handcuffed to the headboard again. But I didn’t want to be alone, either. So instead of chatting with a handsome FBI agent, I was in The White Feather wondering if one of the security guys posted outside could be lured in for a club soda.
Was there anything I hadn’t screwed up? Would there ever be?
David could answer that question. Yes, he certainly could. But I might not like the answer.
“Susan? Is this chair taken?”
You can imagine my relief when I saw that accountant-informant guy, Ethan, standing at the other end of the table. He was a small guy, but still reasonably attractive. He wasn’t Patrick, but now that I looked at him, I realized they did have a similar look about them. And Patrick had given me a pass. So a girl could hardly be faulted for exploring alternatives.
I invited him to have a seat. He ordered a Coke. I continued nursing my club soda. We talked about nothing in particular for a while.
“I know you’ve been buried in that case,” he commented after a while. “But you haven’t said anything about it.”
“And I’d like to keep it that way, if you don’t mind.”
“What do you think that guy wants?”
“Who? The killer?”
“I can’t help being curious. After all, I saw the man.”
“He doesn’t know what he wants. He’s delusional. Psychos of his caliber work up these grandiose schemes that only make sense in their own minds. If there.”
“Are you sure? I’m no expert, but it seems to me as if he might be… working toward something.”
“And this is based on seeing him in the parking lot?”
“And everything I’ve read. You don’t think he has a greater plan?”
“Not one that makes any rational sense.”
“Do you think you’re close to catching him?” He seemed awfully interested in this killer. Didn’t he get that I didn’t want to talk about it? “I mean, I’m wondering if I might have to come in and pick him out of a lineup or something.”
“It’s possible. I can’t talk about how close we are.”
“Sure. I understand.” Finally we moved on to other topics. A few minutes later he got around to asking if I was married.
“Widowed. You?”
“No. Wanted to. But never met the right girl.”
“You wanted to be married? Why? Just for the pleasure of sharing a bathroom?”
He smiled shyly-almost boyishly. “A stable lifestyle is the key to harmony. A family. You have any children?”
I felt my buzz fading. “No.”
“Pity. You’d make a great mom.”
“Tell it to the judge.” He couldn’t possibly know how sensitive a nerve he’d just struck. “I’m sorry, long story. Stupid.”
“No, not at all.” To my surprise, he put his arm around me and held me. Warmly. There was nothing sexual about it. He was just… comforting. “Best to let it out.”
“No. I just… oh, God.”
The bartender came by, obviously wondering if something was wrong, if he was a masher trying to overpower me or something. “She’s just not feeling well,” he explained, and now that he mentioned it, I realized I wasn’t feeling well. My eyesight was getting fuzzy. My limbs were stiffening.
“I-I think I may need to go to the bathroom.”
“That’s okay,” Ethan said. “Let me help you.”
“I-don’t-need-” All of a sudden, I could barely move. Or speak. He helped me off the stool and all but carried me back to the ladies’ room. To my surprise, he went in with me.
And locked the door behind us.
“Is your head feeling heavy, dear? You’re starting to slur, and for once, it isn’t the copious quantities of booze you’ve imbibed. I put a little treat in your drink.”
I tried to do something, but it was impossible. I was alert and fully cognizant of what was happening. But I couldn’t move.
“I didn’t want to do this, Susan. I wanted you to come willingly, eagerly. You made this necessary.”
He opened the window in the back of the bathroom and stuffed me through it. He was stronger than he looked.
“We’re going back to my place now. I’ve got my truck parked in the alleyway. You’re familiar with that alleyway, aren’t you? Your security detail is taking a nap, but we’ll use the back way just to be careful.”
As promised, his truck was right there. He lifted me into the cab, pulled a blanket over me, and started the engine.
“I’m going to give you something to help you sleep now, Susan. You’ll wake later. We’ll talk. You won’t believe all the preparations I’ve made.”
Noooo! I wanted to scream. Someone help me! But I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t do anything. I was worse than putty in his hands.