"It's not possible," she burst out. "I thought I was like Lihua and Lani, but I'm more selfish. I can't live-"
"At Morland?" he interrupted. "Then we'll live half the year on your island."
"That's not what I mean." This was incredibly painful. She said haltingly. "I… cannot be your mistress."
He gazed at her incredulously. "My God, haven't you heard a word I said? I don't want a mistress, I want a wife!" He strode out of the stable and slammed the door.
She stared after him in astonishment, her head awhirl with the words he had spoken.
We were meant to be together.
I'll never let you walk away again.
Wife.
He had said everything but the word she wanted most to hear, the word that had been forbidden to them since they had first met.
She could not condemn him when she had not said it either.
She turned back to Kapu and laid her head against his. A tingling, glowing warmth was moving through her, dissolving the ice and sadness. A new start… Dear heaven, how she wanted to start anew with Jared. Right now, this minute.
No, not yet. In English eyes she was in mourning and therefore inviolate. She had been grateful for that belief when she had been trying to avoid Jared, but now she would have to think of a way to banish those scruples.
The Josephine.
She smiled as she gently stroked the stallion.
Oh yes, definitely, the Josephine.
The next day Josette looked so woebegone standing alone in the courtyard as they rode through the gates that it almost broke Cassie's heart.
Blinking to keep back tears, Cassie waved to the girl. "I'm going to miss her."
Lani nodded. "But it may not be forever. Jared may let her come to us for a visit."
Cassie's gaze went to Jared riding ahead with Bradford, and joy surged through her. Lani was right, it would not be forever.
"What is it?" She turned to see Lani studying her speculatively. "You suddenly seem very cheerful."
"I'm happy to be going home."
"No, that's not all. Tell me."
Cassie smiled. "There's nothing to tell."
But there would be soon. The thought sent another ripple of pleasure through her, and she suddenly felt light as air. But first, there was something she had to do. She turned to Lani. "Did I tell you Papa said I was to take care of you?"
"No." Lani clearly found the thought startling. "You only said he had spoken of me with love. I need no one to care for me."
"You have no need but you deserve it." She smiled. "However, the task may prove too difficult for me. I think we'll have to arrange to choose someone in my stead." Her gaze went to Bradford. "I believe that's a likely lad."
"He's hardly a lad."
"He is around you."
"He drinks too much."
"Not any longer. I haven't seen him take more than a glass of wine."
"He's stubborn and contrary."
"Then you'll find him a challenge."
Lani frowned. "He made me stay in that pension when I wanted to go to you. He says he needs me and then he does not take my help. I told him I wouldn't forgive him."
"A terrible crime," Cassie said solemnly. "No wonder you haven't spoken to him since Papa's death."
Lani was silent a long time. "I am Polynesian. You saw how people behaved at that woman's ball. I will not hurt him."
Cassie knew she had reached the source; all the other excuses were barriers to protect Bradford. "You've always told me to be true to myself and that others didn't matter. Was it a lie?"
"No, it was not a lie," Lani said. "But I cannot hurt him."
"You'll hurt him if you force him to leave you."
Lani's lips quivered slightly before she firmed them. "I don't wish to speak of this."
"Then don't speak, do something. You're not a woman who can close herself away from life. Reach out to him."
"I will think about it."
Cassie said no more. She had planted a seed, but Lani would not tolerate any overt interference.
Well, perhaps a little interference…
"Cassie said you wanted to see me."
Lani turned away from watching Jared and Cassie lead the horses up the gangplank and saw Bradford beside her. His expression was eager and boyish, and she felt a melting deep within her. She wanted to smack Cassie.
"She was mistaken."
His face fell with disappointment, and she felt an impulse to gather him close and soothe the pain away.
He forced a smile. "I should have known it was too soon. You're still mourning."
"No," she said. "Charles will always be with me, but the time for mourning is past."
"But you won't have me."
She shook her head.
"Then I'll wait. I'll wait forever."
He would do it. She gazed at him helplessly. "How can I convince you this is not a good thing for you?"
"It's a wonderful thing for me. The most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me."
"We live in different worlds."
"True. Won't it be interesting?"
"No, it will be cruel and hard and-"
"You're weeping," he said in wonder.
"I'm not without sympathy for your pain."
"And your own."
She didn't answer for a moment, and when she did, the words were nearly inaudible. "And my own."
His face lit with a luminous smile. "You love me."
"I… have a certain affection for you."
"You love me."
"All right, I love you," she burst out. "Are you satisfied now?" She took a swift step back when he reached out to touch her. "No!"
His hand fell to his side. "I won't move quickly. Not if you don't want me to."
She desperately wanted him to touch her, but she was afraid she would flow into his arms and all would be lost. She had to remain in control of the situation, or he would destroy himself. "I can't convince you to leave me?"
"Not in the next hundred years."
"Very well." She moistened her lips. "I'll let you stay, but it will be on my terms. There will be no marriage."
He gazed at her, waiting.
"We will talk. We will take walks. We will play cards and chess."
"Whatever you want. Is that all?"
"No, we will couple."
A wide smile illuminated his face. "Anything else?"
"Babies. I like babies. Then when you leave me-"
"I like babies too."
"But you must not feel it's necessary to stay with me because I have children. My people love babies for themselves, not because of words said over them by the Church."
"I won't feel it necessary to stay with you," he promised. "Anything else?"
She shook her head. "But you must not speak of marriage."
"Oh, I won't." He smiled and held out his hand to her. "Not for a long, long time. Maybe after our third child is born."
She gazed at him in despair. What could you do with a man like Bradford?
Love him, take care of him, reach out to him.
Reach out to life.
She took his hand.
Lightning seared the night sky to the east.
Not tonight, Cassie prayed. The horses had settled down wonderfully in the cargo hold, but a storm would mean she would have to spend the night with them.
The storm was far away, though; maybe it would skirt around them.
She paused outside Jared's cabin and dropped her cloak to the deck. She took a deep breath and opened the door.
He was sitting at the desk, fully dressed, his back to her.
"You're not ready for me," she said.
He went still, the line of his spine rigid. He slowly turned in the chair to face her.
His gaze traveled from her bare feet, to her sarong-swathed hips, and then to her bare breasts. He said hoarsely, "I didn't know I was supposed to be."
She closed the door behind her. "It's all right. Things are a little different now, anyway. I even wore a cloak."
"I'm honored." His tone was guarded.
"Well, it's very chilly outside." She shook her head. "No, that's not true. It's still difficult for me not to put up barriers against you. I did it because I knew the seamen seeing me naked made you unhappy."