Had he told the stories in the main part of the bar it was probable that trouble would have been started. There was an Afrim settlement less than a mile from the pub, and its presence had already caused apprehension amongst local residents.
My walk home took me within a few hundred yards of the settlement and I disliked what I was forced to see. Groups of men and youths stood about on street corners, waiting for an excuse to provoke an incident. In the last few weeks there had been several cases of attacks on Afrim sympathizers.
A police-car was parked just inside the entrance to one of the houses in my road. Its lights were off. There were six men inside.
I felt distinctly that events were picking up a self-destructive momentum, and that no longer was a humane resolution possible.
Sally was happy to be reunited with her mother, though Isobel and I greeted each other coolly. For a moment I was reminded of a period in the early years of our marriage, when it had seemed that the presence of the child would adequately compensate for the disquieting lack of rapport between us. I talked now with Isobel about practical things, telling her of our attempt to return to London, and the events subsequently. She told me how she had joined Lateef and his group, and we remarked again and again on the good fortune that had brought us together again.
We slept together that night, the three of us, and though I felt we should make some effort to re-establish a sexual relationship, I was incapable of making the first move. I do not know whether it was Sally’s presence that caused this.
Fortunately for us, and for all the refugees like us, the winter of that year was a mild one. There was a lot of rain and wind, but only a short period of severe frosting. We had established a semi-permanent camp in an old church. We were visited several times by Red Cross workers, and both military sides knew of our presence. The winter passed uneventfully, the only severe handicap being the continuing absence of news of the progress of the civil disorder.
This period, too, was the one in which I first saw Lateef as some kind of social visionary. He would talk of enlarging our group, and establishing a recognizable unit which would be self-sufficient until the resolution of the troubles. By this time, all of us had abandoned any hope of ever returning to our homes, and we realized that we would be ultimately in the hands of whichever side succeeded in creating a working government. Until that time, Lateef convinced us we should sit tight and await developments.
I think I grew complacent in this period. I was directly under Lateef’s influence and spent many hours in conversation with him. Though I grew to respect him, I think he despised me, perhaps because I was so evidently incapable of committing myself to a firm political viewpoint.
Several other groups of refugees came to the church during the winter, staying for varying periods of time before moving on. We came to see our establishment there as being a kind of nucleus of the situation. In our own way we were prospering. We were rarely short of food, and our semi-permanent status enabled us to take time to organize proper foraging parties. We had a good supply of spare clothing, and many items which would be useful as barter.
With the coming of the spring, we soon saw that we were not the only faction which had used the lull in the hostilities to consolidate a position. In the late March and April we saw many aircraft in the sky which, by their unfamiliar appearance, were presumably of foreign origin. Troop-activity renewed, and during the nights long columns of lorries would pass. We heard heavy artillery in the distance.
We had acquired a radio and it had been made to work. To our frustration, however, we were unable to learn much of use from it.
The operations of the BBC had been suspended, and replaced with a one-channel station called “National Voice”. The content of this was similar to the tabloids I had seen: political rhetoric and social propaganda, interspersed with hours of continuous music. All continental and foreign stations were jammed.
We learned at the end of April that a major attack had been launched against rebel and alien groups in the south, and that a major offensive was under way. The forces loyal to the crown were reported to be sweeping through the very area in which we were established. Though our own observations of military movements lent disbelief to this, we were concerned to a large degree as if there were any truth in the reports there could well be a further increase in activity in the near future.
One day we were visited by a large delegation of United Nations welfare organizers. They showed us several government directives which listed the groups of participants in the hostilities which were to be treated as dissident factions. White civilian refugees were included.
The organizers explained that these directives had been issued some weeks before and, as had happened on several occasions previously, been withdrawn soon after. This lent a great uncertainty to our status, and we were advised either to surrender ourselves to U.N. rehabilitation centres or to move on. The advice came at this time, they said, because large numbers of Nationalists troops were in the area.
The question was debated at some length. In the end, Lateef’s wish that we should continue to live outside the law was carried. We felt that while large numbers of refugees remained in this state we retained a large but passive pressure on the government to resolve the conflict and rehouse us. To surrender to U.N. rehabilitation would be to deprive ourselves of this small level of participation. In any event, the conditions in overcrowded and understaffed camps were by all accounts worse than we were presently experiencing.
Several of us, though, did go to the camps… mostly those people with children. But the majority stayed with Lateef, and in due course we moved on.
Before doing so, we had agreed on our daily tactics. We would move in a broad circle, returning to the vicinity of the church every six weeks. We would go only to those places which, either from our own experience or from what we had heard from other refugees, we knew were relatively safe for the overnight encampment. We were equipped with as much camping-equipment as we would need, and had several handcarts.
For four and a half weeks, we travelled as planned. Then we came to an area of flat farmland which was reported to be under Afrim control. This had no effect on our policy, as we had often passed through Afrim territory before.
The first night we were not molested in any way.
I spent the afternoon at the college in a mood of withdrawn depression. I conducted three tutorials, but found myself unable to concentrate fully. Isobel was uppermost in my mind, and it was not pleasant to associate what I felt with a sense of guilt.
I had finished an affair two weeks before. It had not been complicated by emotional overtones, but had been a negative expression of the sexual frustration induced in me by Isobel’s attitude. I had spent several evenings at the woman’s flat and one whole night. I had not particularly liked the woman, but she was proficient in bed.
At this period I was still lying to Isobel about my activities and was not certain whether she knew the truth.
By four in the afternoon I had reached a decision, and telephoned a friend named Helen who had sat for Sally on the various occasions when Isobel and I wanted to spend an evening out together. I asked her if she would be free that evening and arranged for her to call at seven.
I left the college at five and went straight home. Isobel was ironing some clothes, and Sally — who at this time was four years old — was having her tea.