“I did not ‘go off on you,’” Kaye said, but she knew she had, and felt defensively that she did indeed have that right. Yet the way Mitch was behaving, the words he was saying, scared her. He had never been one to complain or to criticize. She could not remember having this sort of conversation in their twelve years of being together.
“I feel things as strongly as you,” Mitch said.
Kaye sat on the chair arm, nudging his elbow inward. He folded his arm across his chest. “I know,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Mitch said. “I know it isn’t the right time to talk like this.” His breath hitched. He was trying to hold back sobs. “But right now I feel like curling up and dying.”
Kaye leaned over to kiss the top of his head. His face was cold and hard under her fingers, as if he were already in some other place, dead to her. Her heart started to beat faster.
Mitch cleared his throat. “There’s this voice in my head, and it says over and over again, ‘You are not fit to be a father.’ If that’s true, the only option is to die.”
“Shush,” Kaye said, very cautiously.
“If I go to sleep, I’ll let something get in. A little crack. Something will creep in and kill my family.”
“The hell with that,” she said, again gently, softly, as if her breath might shatter him. “We’re tough. We’ll make it. Stella’s doing better.”
“I’m tapped out. Broken.”
“Shush, please. You are strong, I know you are, and I apologize if I’ve been acting stupid. It’s the situation, Mitch. Don’t be hard on either of us.”
He shook his head, clearly unconvinced. “I need you to tuck me in,” he said, his voice hollow. “Put me in that big bed and pull up the frilly sheets and kiss me on the cheek and say good night. I’ll be all right in a little while. Just wake me if Stella has a problem, or if you need me.”
“All right,” Kaye said. She felt an immense sadness as he looked up and met her eyes.
“I try all the time,” he said. “I give you both all I have, all the time.”
“I know.”
“Without you and Stella, I am a dead man. You know that.”
“I know.”
“Don’t break me, Kaye.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
He stood. Kaye took his hand and led him into the bedroom like a frightened boy or an old, old man. She pulled back the down comforter and the blanket and top sheet. Mitch unbuttoned his shirt and removed his pants and stood by the side of the bed, lost.
“Just lie down and get some rest,” she said.
“Wake me if Stella gets any worse,” Mitch said. “I want to see her and tell her I love her.” He looked at her, eyes unfocused. Kaye tucked the sheets in around him, her heart thumping. She kissed him on the cheek. No tears, his face cold and hard as stone, all Mitch’s blood flowing away to somewhere far from her, taking him to where she could not go.
“I love you,” Kaye said. “I believe in you. I believe in what we’ve done.”
His eyes focused on hers, then, and she felt embarrassed at the power she had over this large, strong man. The blood returned to his face, and his lips came alive under hers.
Then, like a light going out, he was asleep.
Kaye stood beside the bed and watched Mitch, eyes wide. Her chest felt wrapped in steel bands. She was as frightened as if she had just missed driving them all off a cliff. She stood vigil over him for as long as she could before she had to leave and check on Stella. She hated the conflict, husband or daughter, but went with her judgment and the nature inside her, and crossed the few steps into the living room.
The cabin was completely dark.
“What?”
Kaye sat up on the floor. She had fallen asleep beside Stella, with only the flap of the sleeping bag between her and the hard wood, and now she had the distinct impression someone other than her daughter was in the room.
It wasn’t Mitch. She could see the blanketed hill of his toes through the bedroom door.
“Who’s there?” she whispered.
Crickets and frogs outside, a couple of large flies buzzing around the cabin.
She switched on a table lamp, checked her daughter for the hundredth time, found the fever way down, the breathing more regular.
She thought about moving Stella into the second bedroom, but the hook supporting the bag of Ringer’s solution would have to be moved as well, and Stella seemed comfortable on the sleeping bag, as comfortable as she would have been in a bed.
Kaye looked in on Mitch. He, too, was sleeping quietly. For a few minutes, Kaye stood in the short, narrow hallway, then leaned against the wall. “It’s better,” she said to the shadows. “It has got to be better.”
She turned suddenly. For a moment, she had thought she might see someone in the hall, someone beloved and familiar. Her father.
Dad is dead. Mom is dead. I’m an orphan. All the family I have is in this house.
She rubbed her forehead and neck. Her muscles were so tense, not least from sleeping beside Stella on the wooden floor. Her sinuses felt congested, as if she had been crying. It was a peculiar, not unpleasant sensation; the byproduct of some deeply buried emotion.
She needed to get some air. She checked Stella again, obsessive; knelt to touch her daughter’s forehead and feel her pulse, then walked around the couch, through the porch door, down the steps, and across the path through the grass to the boat dock.
The dock was thirty feet long and ten feet wide, ridiculously large on such a small lake. It supported a single overturned rowboat and a pile of moldy life vests. Grass blades poked out of the vests, shimmering in the moonlight.
Kaye stood at the end of the dock and crossed her arms. Absorbed the night. Crickets stroked out the degrees of heat, frogs thrummed with sexy, alien dignity out there in the shallows, among the reeds. Gnats hummed their desperate little ditties.
“Do any of you know what it is to be sad?” Kaye asked the lake and its inhabitants, then looked back toward the house. “Are you sad when your children are ill?” The single lamp in the living room burned golden through the windows of the porch.
She closed her eyes. Something large, completing a connection… something huge passing over, sweeping the lake, the forest—touching all the living things around her.
The frogs fell silent.
And touching her.
Kaye jumped as if someone had cracked through a flimsy wooden wall. Her shoulders rose and her fingers tensed. “Hello?” she whispered.
Any neighbors were at least a mile away, up the road, beyond the thick trees. She saw nothing, heard nothing.
“Wow,” she said, and immediately felt stupid. She looked around the lake, toward the reedy shallows, searching for the source of another voice, though no one had spoken. The reeds were empty. The lake fell silent, not even a breath of air. The night was so still Kaye could hear her heart beating in her chest.
Something had touched her, not her skin, deeper. At first it was just the awareness that she was not alone. By herself, on the dock, in her bare feet, she now shared her space with someone as real as she—as welcome and strangely familiar as a beloved friend.
She felt years of burden lift. For a moment, she basked in a warm sensation of infinite reprieve.
No judgment. No punishment.
Kaye shivered. Her tongue moved over her lips. A trickle of silvery water seemed to run through her head. The trickle became a rivulet, then an insistent creek flowing down the back of her neck into her chest. It was cool and electric and pure, like stepping out of the sweltering heat of a summer day into an underground spring. But this spring spoke, though never with words. It had a particular and distinctive perfume, like astringent flowers.