I wanted to release Monica of her guilt before Christmas. Whatever she had to get off of her chest, I was ready and willing to listen. It was the second week of December, the first snowfall salting the earth as I drove to her office to meet her. She was busy as usual, squeezing me in between two appointments. My dissertation was tucked neatly in my portfolio, ready to hand over to the professor after I met with Monica.
I entered the building, visualizing the lines Joel had sketched in creating his work of art. Most architects use computers now, but Joel had been old school. He loved nothing more than his drafting table and a freshly sharpened pencil. I could feel Joel's presence with me as I made my way through the marble corridor to the stainless steel elevator. Monica Blevins, top floor. Of course. Corner office. Nothing but the best.
Her assistant showed me into her office where she was bent over paperwork, black framed glasses on her pretty face, lips as red as beets. She smiled upon seeing me and rose to greet me. “Thanks so much for coming,” she said warmly. “I'm sorry we have to meet in a stuffy law office.” I admired the exquisite décor and breathtaking view from her floor-to-ceiling window-nothing stuffy about it. I wondered if Joel had known which office would be Monica's, if he had spec'ed in special accommodations for her. It seemed like the sort of thing he would do.
Monica came around the large ebony desk to sit next to me in a matching leather chair. She crossed her legs, long runner's legs with calves that probably sent most men into salivation. She wore four-inch heels, something I'd never even attempted. She kept her gaze on me, and then I noticed her eyes watered. “How have you been?”
I folded my hands into my lap, no longer ashamed that she made me look like a fashion imbecile. I was being me, pressed khakis, a taupe cardigan and one new addition of red patent leather loafers, which remarkably gave me some pep in my step.
“Love the shoes,” Monica said, admiring them. “I wouldn't have taken you for a red shoe girl.”
“Me, neither,” I said. “I've discovered it about myself. I've always been afraid to wear red, so the shoes… well, it's a start.”
“A wise choice.” Monica said, probably considering whether or not to chitchat. There was so much we could talk about this time of year-holiday plans, what the kids want for Christmas-but I was glad she got right to the point. I'd expect no less of a good lawyer.
“Jonathon told me he saw you,” she said evenly.
“He did? Well, I'm glad for that. I wouldn't want to lie.”
“Of course you wouldn't. I'm the only liar here. I lied to myself for years. Don't assume that comes with the occupation. I lied to myself about Joel. I thought he would make me a better woman because of who he was. Give me a better life if I stuck with him.”
If. Because. I resisted the smile pressing at the corners of my mouth.
“I thought Jonathon could be no more than a fling. But you know what? He loved me even though I repeatedly told him I loved Joel and was going to marry him. He said, 'I don't care what you tell me. I'll never stop loving you. You could lose your looks and get fat and be a five-foot housewife who runs around in a robe all day and I'd still love you.'”
“Not that you would ever do that.”
“He knows me too well. But he said it, you know? And I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry if whatever I did in Joel's past messed things up between you two. I would understand if he had trust issues or kept himself from truly letting go and loving again.”
I shook my head. “You know what? It wasn't that way at all. I don't think he held back. It was me that always wondered. I was jealous. I mean, look at you. But I was wrong to think you were a problem.”
“I'm glad you're saying that, because I did try to get in the way of you two. When Joel was designing this building.”
My throat tightened, and I held onto my knees to brace myself for the news. “Just say it.”
She held my gaze, never wavering. “I kissed him.”
I exhaled. “And?”
“And that's all. I kissed him one night after a dinner meeting to see if there was anything left between us.”
Imagining the two of them in a soul kiss, made me stomach turn. “And?”
“Nothing. Joel told me he loved you and you were the one he was always meant to be with.”
I could feel a tear trail down my cheek. “He said that?”
“He said he never knew how good a life could be. All because of you and the boys.”
I nodded, my lips pressed together to keep from going into the ugly cry.
“I'm sorry I kissed him,” Monica said.
“I'm not. Maybe your kissing him made him realize the words he was telling you. Maybe you did the right thing by doing the wrong thing.”
Monica squeezed my hand. “I never thought of it that way. One last thing before you go. I wanted to give you some kind of proof about Joel-occupational hazard, perhaps-and I remembered I had kept a card he sent me.”
I took the opened envelope from her, afraid to put it in my purse, for fear it would disappear. “I never thought I'd be saying this, but thank you, Monica. For everything.”
I left her office, my free hand fingering the walls as I did, like a child who couldn't keep her hands to herself, as if touching them were somehow touching Joel. I ran my hands along the hallway, the doors, as the partners looked at me strangely, I turned in circles in the elevator as I touched it, too, while the elderly gentlemen in the three-piece suit grinned. “You must be in love,” he said to me as the doors swished open. I put my hand to my heart. “Very much so.”
I waited until I was seated in the car to open the envelope. My heart raced at the sight of Joel's neat penmanship.
Dearest Monica,
I write this because I felt you deserved more than an e-mail or a cold voice mail message. Our past was what it was, but I would not change it. That feels odd to say, but I am in such a good place in my life, and you are obviously happy with Jonathon. I realize now that looking back, you two were always more comfortable together than you and I ever were. Now that I am with the love of my life, I know what it all means. Because Ramona means everything to me, I must respectfully remove myself from the project, but know that you are in good hands with my partners and personally, you are in very good hands with Jonathon. Everything works out for the best.
Love, Joel
I held the open card to my chest, his words pressing against my heart. “I love you, too, Joel. I'll always love you.” And instead of looking up into the sky, I looked beside me, where I imagined him sitting in the passenger seat, fiddling with my stereo buttons. He winked at me, and I continued to speak to him. “I'm sorry I ever doubted you. And I promise to be open to feeling you in my life, guiding us, loving us, watching over us.”
“You should've known you couldn't get rid of me that easily,” he said, and he was gone.
I found Dr. Roberts on the stage, gathering up his notes as the swarm of students exited the auditorium. He was a legend-"Word Doc,” they called him-with a radio show on NPR and a blog read by thousands each day. Not bad for a man in his seventies.
Clutching my dissertation, I made my way down the aisle until I was looking up at him, my neck craned back. From that vantage point, he did look like some sort of language god, larger than life. My last living mentor, save for Panchal.
“ Ciao, Ramona. A che cosa devo l'onore? ”
Doc was fluent in eleven languages and conversational in twenty-two-something that made nice cocktail conversation, but that wasn't nearly as impressive to most Americans as it was to me. It was a game we liked to play, one of us started speaking in one language and you answered in another, until finally Doc broke into Swahili or a dead language no one spoke anymore-something only word nerds like us would enjoy.