Daniel clenched his jaw at my words. “I keep telling you it’s because she’s jealous. Why don’t you believe me?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t want to believe my friend would be like that.”
“But you doubt me?”
“No,” I shake my head. “I was just hoping she wasn’t that petty.”
“She is that petty,” he says, and his tone was so abrupt I was taken aback.
“Did something happen between you and Julianna?”
He glares at me. “Are you accusing me of something?”
“No! I just thought maybe she came onto you or something and this is what caused the rift.”
He swore and took a deep breath as if weighing his words carefully.
“I didn’t want to tell you this.”
“What?”
“You’re right. Julianna has propositioned me more than once.”
“What? When?”
“It was several weeks ago. I was studying at the library and she saw me leaving the building. She followed me to my friends’ place across the street. You know Jonathan?”
I nod.
“She came inside and well, she was all over me. I didn’t know what to do. I kept telling her no, but …”
“Yes?”
“We kissed.”
My mouth dropped.
“You –“
“It was one kiss. That was all. I pushed her away and told her that I loved you and wanted nothing to do with her. She got angry and kept trying to get me to go upstairs with her. I shut her down. Hard. Ever since then, she’s been sulking and sending me threatening messages. She said she was going to tell you the two of us had sex and she would do everything in her power to break us up.”
“I can’t believe I’m just now hearing about this.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he said. “I didn’t want you to lose your friendship.”
“You kissed her.” My head is reeling, and I cannot believe what I’m hearing.
He looked angry.
“SHE kissed ME,” he clarified. “I didn’t want anything to do with her, which is why she’s been acting so sullen all these weeks. She’s determined to break us up because she wants me for herself. Even if that means destroying your friendship.”
It was at that moment, the car pulled up in front of the restaurant. I sat in the car for a few minutes, trying to grasp all that Daniel had told me.
“I had no idea Julianna was that kind of person.”
“She sleeps around,” Daniel said, not unkindly. “She gets drunk and uses drugs and lives a very risqué lifestyle. Why would you think she wouldn’t hit on your fiancé?”
I shake my head. “I just –“
“Unless you think I’m lying …“
“No!” I quickly assure him. “I believe you. I’m just stunned at the news is all.”
Daniel reaches over and kisses my forehead. “I didn’t want you to be hurt.”
I nod again digesting the information.
We head into the reception, my mind still reeling from what I have just found out. I want to go to Julianna and confront her, but I know nothing good will come of that.
We sit down, and everyone toasts our long and happy future together as husband and wife. I raise my glass and toast with non-alcoholic bubbly something, because technically I’m not allowed to drink alcohol.
Before I realize it, the reception is over, and Daniel and I are heading upstairs to our honeymoon. I am feeling very anxious and excited about that. I have never been with anyone like that before. All I know is that the times Daniel and I have kissed, and he’s touched me over my clothes, I could barely stand not going all the way.
And tonight, we will.
My virginity is something Daniel seems to take great pride in, I hope I don’t disappoint him.
As we get inside the room, Daniel quickly closes and locks the door. I’ve barely made it into the room before he has me up against the wall, bruising my lips with his kiss and fumbling with the buttons at the back of my dress, eventually ripping the lace holding the two sides together.
“I can’t wait to have you,” he breathes against my neck before turning me around so I’m facing the wall. He grabs my hair and pulls my head back until it hurts. Before I realize what is happening, Daniel has pulled the skirt of my dress up. He tears my underwear off and jams his fingers inside me. I gasp and hear the zipper of his pants, then …
The pain is excruciating. Daniel’s hand finds my mouth to keep me from crying out. He thrusts violently in and out until finally, he tenses and withdraws from me.
He kisses me on the cheek. “That was amazing,” he breathes.
I can’t do much but nod. I feel violated. This was not the wedding night I envisioned, nor was it anything like the hot and steamy make-out sessions I’d experienced with him before.
I try to hide my disappointment as I head to the bathroom. At this point, all I want to do is cry, take a long hot bath and feel clean again.
He must have read my mind, because that’s exactly what he suggested.
I watch him take off his tie and pour himself a glass of champagne from the bottle that was awaiting us in our room.
Quietly, I close the door, hoping he doesn’t see the confusion and pain on my face from my first experience with sexual intercourse. Hesitantly, quietly, I turn the lock.
Surely it won’t be like that all the time, I tell myself. He was just so pent up from wanting me all these weeks and he couldn’t wait any longer. I’ve read books. I’ve seen movies. This is not the way it’s supposed to be.
I start the bath water, making it as hot as I can stand it. Carefully, I figure out a way to get the dress off by myself. I lay the tattered remains across the toilet, before taking off my corset and looking in horror at the blood spotting my thighs.
What have I done? I ask myself. Maybe the books and the movies are wrong. Maybe this is what real life is like and the rest is just romantic notions of authors and filmmakers.
It’s at that moment I think of Julianna and wish she were here to talk this over with me. She would know. Julianna always talked about sex as though it was the most pleasurable experience of her life.
This was anything but that. I feel battered, bruised and betrayed.
Carefully, I ease my sore body into the steaming hot water and watch in fascination as the blood swirls from my body into the liquid.
I just begin to relax when I see the doorknob begin to turn and then rattle in frustration when he finds it locked.
“Sarah,” he calls from the other side. “We’re married now. There’s no need for you to lock the door. I’m your husband.”
“I’m sorry,” I call out, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. “I’m just not used to …” my voice trails off.
Then, I hear a key being inserted into the lock and I watch, horrified as the doorknob turns and opens. There, Daniel is standing before me completely naked and obviously ready to have sex again.
“Mind if I join you?” he asks as he steps into the water with me.
I close my eyes and pray this night will be over soon.
Texas
Sarah
We’ve been married almost three months. I’ve made a terrible mistake. Daniel is not the same person I dated. He’s changed.
Maybe it’s his disappointment over the job he accepted. It’s not as prestigious as he was led to believe.
Or maybe it’s not as prestigious as I was led to believe by him.
Instead of living in the beautiful house he promised me, we are living in a tiny one-bedroom cottage in a not great section of town. Every time I approach the subject of going back to school, he blows up at me and asks me where I think we’re going to get the money to pay for that.