Unfortunately, I no longer trust my judgement when it comes to men and relationships. I no longer trust myself and that is the one thing Daniel took from me I hate the most.
He took my self-reliance. My self-confidence. My belief that most people are good at heart.
Daniel was not good, and I never saw it. Something was fundamentally wrong with me and my “picker.” I was no longer a good judge of character. I couldn’t trust myself.
He was a liar and I never saw the lie.
As I stand on the banks of the river holding on to a rope preparing to jump, I realize how this is a metaphor for my life. Am I prepared to let go and take a chance with these new friends?
I take several deep breaths and with a giant leap, I let go and plunge myself into the ice-cold water and life with my newfound friends.
Matt
“She looks happy,” Ava comments as she catches me staring at Faith coming out of the water, shivering and picking up a towel.
“Yes, she does.”
“You’ve had a lot to do with that you know.”
“I’m just keeping my promise.”
“You care about her.”
I look at my sister and shrug my shoulders.
“She may change her mind one day, Matt.”
“Or she may not. I promised her I’d be a friend to her and if that’s all she can ever give, then I’m okay with that.”
As the words spilled forth from my mouth, I could taste the lie. I was falling for Faith. Hard. I know it. Ava knows it.
But how do you stop yourself from falling?
Faith
“So, you and Matt are going out?”
The word “again” hung unspoken but recognized in my mother’s question. I have to give her credit. She tried to ask in a casual manner, but I could hear the hope in her voice.
We’ve been living here for nine months and I have settled nicely into this Wyoming lifestyle.
“Matt’s a friend, Mom,” I tell her, pulling on my coat, because despite the fact it was early spring, it was still bitterly cold. “We’re just friends. He’s giving me a ride to the restaurant where we’re meeting the rest of the group and then he’s giving me a ride home.”
“Okay,” she smiles. “I’m just glad you’re getting out and having fun. After the long winter, it’s nice to see you can get out more with your friends.”
I smile back at her as I take one last look in the mirror and straighten my belt.
“I’m happy about that too,” I say. Over the winter months, I’d learned to cross country ski, downhill ski, snowboard, and ice skate. I even had my very first sleigh ride. It was magical. But despite being able to partake in all of those winter pastimes, the outings were sporadic due to the weather conditions.
I was happy to know that spring was starting to thaw things out. I watch my mother prepare to leave the room and I stop her.
“Mom?”
“Hmmm?”
“Do you think I’ll ever trust anyone again? You know … like that? Do you think I’ll ever be able to …”
“To fall in love again?”
I nod my head.
“I think time has an amazing capacity to heal old wounds,” she tells me. “I believe one day you will have an incredible life filled with a husband who adores you, and children who think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread.”
I think on that for a few minutes. I always wanted to get married and have a family. After the beating I took, the doctors said they weren’t sure I’d ever be able to have children of my own. That is something anyone I get serious with will have to be told.
“There’s always adoption,” my mother seemed to read my thoughts. “But remember, the doctors didn’t say impossible, they said they didn’t know.”
“I know,” I whisper. “Right now, I’m still worried I won’t ever be able to trust my feelings enough to love someone like that again. He stole something from me and I’m afraid I may never get it back.”
My mother walks over to me and lifts my chin.
“You’ve come a long way and you’re going even farther. You will find love again one day. When you’re ready.”
“Do you think so?”
“Definitely.”
“It won’t be with Matt,” I assure her, turning back towards the mirror. “He’s been friend-zoned. I don’t ever want to lose him as a friend and I don’t want to lose Ava as a friend either.”
“Okay,” my mother laughs as she heads out the door.
“He’s just a friend,” I call after her as she disappears down the hall.
“Matt’s just a friend,” I tell myself as I take one last look in the mirror.
Matt
“You headed out with Faith again?”
This was from my mother who was taking a definite interest in my ongoing friendship with Faith.
“Yes.”
“That’s nice.”
There were a million unspoken words in that phrase.
“Is there something wrong?”
“Hmm? Wrong? No! Why would you think something’s wrong?”
“Just the way you said, ‘that’s nice’ sounded like you had more to say but were keeping it inside.”
“I like Faith.”
“I like Faith too.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
I look at her as I pull on my jacket.
“You’re afraid because I like my friend.”
She looks at me again and raises one eyebrow.
“What?”
“You and I both know you like that young woman more than as just a friend.”
“I keep telling him that,” Ava comes bouncing down the stairs to get her jacket.
“Are you coming with me?” I ask her.
“No,” she sighs. “Caleb’s picking me up.”
“Nice try in deflecting the conversation,” my mother breaks in.
“I’m not deflecting anything.”
I look around for my keys, so I can hurry and get out of the house and out from under their interrogation.
Just then the door rings and I open it to see Caleb standing there. “Hey Matt! Are you riding with us?”
“No,” Ava breaks in and grabs him by the arm. “He’s picking up Faith so just the two of them can ride into town and back home together.”
“There you go!” Caleb grins and gives me a wink.
“We’re just friends,” I say.
“Sure, you are. Ava and I are just friends too.”
Ava smiles.
“Seriously. Faith and I are just friends. That’s all.”
“For now. I’ve seen the way you look at her. And I’ve seen the way she looks at you. It won’t be long before nature will take its course.”
“That’s what I keep telling him.”
I don’t voice it, but I know what they’re saying is true. Despite my resolve to remain just friends, over the last nine months my feelings for her have grown stronger. I haven’t said anything to her.
I’m sure she knows how I feel about her.
But a promise is a promise and I don’t want to do anything that will cause her to feel distrustful of me. She means too much to me to lose that aspect of our relationship.
Even if that means I love someone who can never love me back.
Faith
“Wasn’t that a great movie?” Ava gushes as we depart the AMC after seeing the latest romantic comedy. The weather is perfect tonight. I’ve been living here over a year and she’s become one of my best friends. She’s high on life right now because Caleb proposed to her a couple of weeks ago and she is in the throws of wedding planning.