— Eminem probably made more than a billion.
— Would you fuck Eminem?
— Are you kidding? Of course!
— No, I mean if you could marry him, and you found out he really likes it when girls don’t, just, like, fuck him right away—
— Do you mean could I not fuck him?
— Like do you think you could not fuck Em if you thought there was a chance he would marry you?
— What if you didn’t fuck him and he didn’t marry you?!?!
— If it was between fucking him or not fucking him but the marriage wasn’t, like, guaranteed?
— I’d fuck Drake.
— I would so fuck Drake. He got so hurt by Rihanna.
— Slut.
— Drake’s a Jew.
— Nuh uh.
— He is, he’s a Jew.
— How could he be.
— But why is Eminem so pissed off all the time? Eminem is so angry. He has so much money!
— He’s probably a pussycat. It’s just that he’s been hurt in love. You know, love is, like, heavy on his heart.
— I used to think he was gay.
— You thought Em was gay?!?!
— When “I Need A Doctor” came out, they said “doctor” was like code for “dick”—
— Who said?!?!
— It was on the internet. .
— That is so lame. “Doctor” is Dr. Dre.
— I’m just sayin—
— The song is totally gay, tho. You know, Dre says “All I need is him” and Eminem’s all like “Come back, Dre, you’re the only one who believed in me, why should we care what other people think, let’s just like, you know, fuck—”
— You are so crazy!!!
— I think it’s sweet, they’re really good friends, Em’s just saying to Dre that he needs him. It’s so like vulnerable. I mean, rap never talks about man love—
– & Royce sayin he loves Em like Em loves Dre & how he would kill for him it is so gay!
— Eminem gave Elton John a cock ring made of diamonds—
— O that is such BULLSHIT—
— No, he did, it was in the Rolling Stone. .
— Eminem is like so stuck up. I mean like every song he’s on that has other people, it’s like so funny, he’s always talking about how he’s the best, like the others’ll just be talking about weed or cars or bitches or whatever, and all Marshall Mathers talks about is how he’s like the most amazing rapper who ever lived!
— Whoa! What is your issue.
— Cause you’re talking — she’s talking like she’s been — what do they say—“a woman spurned”!
— A woman spermed—
— Squirted!
— A woman spurted!
— She wishes!
— If I had $100 million trust me I would not be angry.
— Maybe you would be! Maybe you’d be Charlotte Sheen!
— Who?
— Charlotte Sheen. Sister of Charlie!
— Oh! Charlotte! Hahahahahaha!
— Charlene. That would be Charlene.
— Charlene! Charlene! Charlene Sheen!
— Fuck yeah! —
— I’d fuck Hov and Ye before I did Eminem.
— Look at choo. Look @ dis biatch! “Hov” & “-ye”! Lissen to choo. Girl think she a nigga.
— Nicki Mee-naj. Nicki Ménage à twaht.
— What about Johnny Depp.
— What about him.
— Would you let him d.p.?
— I’ll tell you my dream d.p…. I’m on top of Robert Pattinson & the guy on In Treatment is in my butt. Up to the nuts!!!!
— Tea baggggggggg!
— What is In Treatment?!?!
— Gabriel Byrne is so sexy.
— I’m kinda over Johnny Depp.
— He’s over you. And his wife.
— I’m over that swashbuckling shit. I need uh ass-buckling. .
— Have you seen his wife? She’s hot. She’s a singer.
— Voolay-voo coushay ahveck m’wah, çe swa.
— I wonder if she’s been d.p.’d.
— Totally. She’s been totally Johnny D’p.’d! That’s why they’re breaking up. She’s over it.
— French people invented the d.p.
– “The” d.p. — ——ha!
— And Americans perfected it.
— This smoke is amazing—
— It’s from Rikki’s stash.
— That purp, that bomb, that kush. .
— Gimme that blunt. Gimme gimme gimme.
— Ree, do you have any Adderall?
— No!
— O please O please O pretty pretty please?
— Do you think Laurence Fishburne ever saw any of Chippy D’s feature films?
— O, gross!
— I mean don’t you think he would’ve had to see something, like even by mistake?—
— Please ReeRee please? Ollie Ollie Addie, oxen free. .
— Wouldn’t a father be curious about his daughter—I mean, he’s already seen her nude, he’s washed her in a tub when she was little, he’s already seen that nasty vadge. .
— ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
— ReeRee, pleeeeeeeeeeease?
— What?!
— Please can I please have some Adderall?
— Wouldn’t a father be curious to see his baby take it in both holes & SQUIRT?
— You are so sick!
— Thar she blows!
— Thar she blows—
— [all together now] THARRRRRRR SHEEEEEEEEE BLOWWWWWWWWWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CLEAN [Jacquie]
The Family of Mann
Jacquie
lied when she told Steve Martin she was almost finished with a suite of new photographs she’d been working on the last few years — the culmination of everything she was as an artist. When Steve said he’d be very interested in seeing them, she knew he was lying too. They exchanged energized hellos while he was in the middle of signing books after the Library event. Jacquie waited half-an-hour longer for him to finish, standing a discreet distance apart, watching him autograph, with an old courtesan’s half-smile. When he was done, a dozen giggling fans lingered, taking cellphone pics with the author for their Facebook pages. With the help of a library staffer, Steve finally disengaged, and Jacquie approached. He was warm and polite. They spent a few minutes catching up, then he said he had to rush to a business dinner. Another lie, she thought. He gave her a contact number.