‘You knew you were gay,’ I said. ‘Don’t kid yourself. Look, I’m not a straightforward man…’
‘You can say that again,’ interrupted Tim forcefully.
I continued as if I hadn’t even heard him.
‘OK, I know its almost fashionable to be gay nowadays, in certain circles, anyway, but I’m unable to be like other people. I’ve built up this façade over the years. I can’t come out. I couldn’t face it at work…’
‘Who do you work for, Leo? The fucking Pope?’
I rather wished I’d thought of that first. Well, not quite the Pope, but if I’d told him I worked for the Roman Catholic church that might have made him rather less puzzled and curious about me. After all, everybody knows the attitude of the Catholic church to homosexuality. Though I thought it was clearly hypocritical.
It was too late for that excuse now, but I could still use his train of thought, even if he hadn’t meant it seriously.
‘Not the Pope,’ I said, risking a small smile. ‘But I am a Catholic and I do guilt big time.’
‘What’s to be guilty about?’ Tim was staring at me, his innocent eyes wide open as if he were trying to see inside my head. I so hoped he couldn’t. I could see his tears forming. ‘I don’t understand any of this,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have bloody followed you, you bastard. I should have let you walk away, but I love you, that’s the bloody problem. I love you and I know you’re only trouble.’
I reached out and touched his cheek.
He jerked away from me.
‘I love you too, Tim,’ I said again.
It was the truth. In as much as anything about me was ever the truth.
I moved closer to him, put my arm around him.
‘Will you let me kiss you?’ I heard myself say.
I saw that the tears were falling down his cheeks now. He turned to me. I showered him with kisses. It wasn’t long before he began to respond. It wasn’t long before we were in bed. My bed. In my house. I knew it was madness.
After we had made love, he began to question me again. The same questions. Why was I like I was? Why had I been so dishonest with him? Could I ever change? Could he and I ever have a proper relationship?
I answered everything the best I could, whilst actually telling him nothing. I said I would try to change. I really would. It would be difficult for me after all these years, but I would try. I wanted us to have what he called a ‘proper relationship’ and I would try to make that happen.
Eventually, he fell asleep. While I just lay there watching him, wondering what an earth I was going to do next. How I was going to get him out of my bed without upsetting him? How I was going to carry on with my life? Wondering whether it would ever be possible for me to do so, with Tim as a part of that life. I wanted Tim. I really wanted Tim, but in my heart I knew I could no longer have him. He demanded too much.
Around 11 a.m. I felt and heard my phone buzz. I’d put it on silent and tucked it under my pillow, where it would be safe from clever fingers and prying eyes.
It was a call I had to take.
I studied Tim carefully. He’d been sound asleep in the same position for over an hour, his tousled hair spread over the pillow, his mouth slightly open. He didn’t move. His eyelids didn’t flicker.
I tiptoed out of the bedroom, still naked, and took the call in the spare room. When I returned Tim remained in the same position. I sincerely hoped he wasn’t just pretending to be asleep. Again.
I sat on the edge of the bed for a minute or two, just watching him, before gently shaking him awake.
He smiled at me sleepily, stretching his long limbs.
‘What time is it?’ he asked.
‘Gone eleven,’ I replied, hoping he would assume it was even later than it was. I really had to get rid of him. I needed to leave the house. I had things to do that would not wait. I wasn’t sure quite how to go about this without causing another scene. Tim came to my rescue.
‘Oh my God,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Is it really that time? I have to go. I’ve got an exam this afternoon.’
There followed a frantic few minutes of panic: Tim rushing in and out of the bathroom; trying to dress in a hurry; pulling on his jeans, the wrong way round at first; looking for his jacket and a shoe that had disappeared under the bed; me helping him look and going downstairs to make a coffee he didn’t drink. Whilst I was downstairs, I stowed away the pile of mail that had attracted his attention in a locked drawer. Eventually, in a surprisingly short period of time under the circumstances, he was on the doorstep preparing to leave.
‘Are we going to make this work now, Leo?’ he asked.
‘I do hope so,’ I replied truthfully.
He stepped towards me, looking as if he were going to kiss me goodbye. Automatically I stepped backwards, away from the doorstep, further into the hallway. My hallway. My house. My doorstep. My neighbours. What if anybody saw? It was bad enough that he was there at all, but he could be anybody, I told myself. A relative. An electrician. A plumber. Without tools? I knew I was probably being ridiculous. Why would my neighbours even notice whether he was carrying a bag or anything else? He could have been a workman giving me an estimate on a job, a bit young, perhaps, but surely there was no reason for anyone to assume he was my lover, was there? I was beginning to feel quite shaky. The last few hours had been madness.
Tim didn’t push it.
‘You really are a wimp, Leo,’ he said, but he was smiling, he wasn’t angry any more. Our lovemaking had been as good and as special as it always was. You couldn’t stay angry after that and I suspected Tim might be beginning to believe things could work out for us, eventually.
He turned and began to walk away.
Then he paused looking back over his shoulder and swung around towards me again.
‘By the way, for how long do you want me to continue to call you Leo?’ he asked. I felt a chill engulf my entire body. ‘Whilst you were on the phone, I had a look around. You’d left your wallet in the pocket of your jacket, hanging behind the bedroom door.’
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let this happen?
Tim smiled again, a knowing smile.
‘It’s all right,’ he said. ‘I’d guessed Leo wasn’t your real name. I told you that, but I know what you do for a living now, too. Can’t see that it matters though, plenty of gays in your job.’
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Yes. Of course. I’ve just been stupid. I am Leo, though. Your Leo.’ He looked a tad confused. ‘Everything will be all right, Tim,’ I continued. ‘I promise. We’ll talk it all through properly the next time we meet.’
He took a step towards me, again.
‘You’ve no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that,’ he said.
Was he never going to go?
‘Tim, your exam,’ I reminded him frantically.
His expression changed.
‘Oh, Christ, yes, I have to run,’ he said and he did, literally. I watched him run off down the road.
I’d started to shake. I was having a major trembling fit. It was something that happened occasionally and I so hated it. I slammed the door shut and retreated inside. I could feel myself losing control, physically and mentally.
I smashed my right fist into the wall, again and again. I wanted to hurt myself. I hated myself, but then, that was my problem.
I’d always hated myself and I hated what I feared must come next. Something had to be done about Tim. I couldn’t get the boy out of my head, but I had to. I had to get him out of my head and out of my life. He’d been to my home. He had pried into my very existence. He knew my other name. He knew what I did for a living. He knew how I lived my life. No man had ever got this close to me before. I hadn’t allowed any man to get this close.