‘You’re still lying to me. How long are you going to keep on with this deception?’ Qizi had raised her voice.
Shunyu tugged at her, signalling that perhaps the pair should move somewhere else and try to talk reasonably.
Qizi wore a brown hooded pullover that fell over her buttocks, brown canvas sneakers, and black tights, which made her legs look as scrawny as a little chick’s. She walked along the green belt, a lonely and lost figure with tears rolling down her cheeks.
‘If you really want to join the rally,’ she said, tears still falling, ‘at least you should discuss the matter with me.’
‘I never thought…I just gave them a few suggestions. I didn’t expect them to…’ Mengliu said softly.
‘You know my father will be the first to object, and my mother will certainly stand by him. It will be no use trying to explain it to them.’
‘I won’t join. I’ll do whatever you want me to.’ Mengliu went to embrace Qizi, but was pushed away.
‘You wanted to go. Early on, I could already tell.’
‘If I wanted to go, I’d be a son of a bitch.’
‘You are a son of a bitch, so you wanted to go.’
‘What is going on here? I really don’t know what I can say to you.’
‘…You lied to me. I can’t trust you anymore.’
‘How come you sound like a housewife? So unreasonable, and so demanding?’
‘Me? I’m just crude. Not good enough for an elegant poet like you…Let’s end it here.’ Qizi, really angry now, jerked her arm from him and walked away.
Mengliu caught up with her. ‘Qizi, listen…No matter what, you have to believe me…’
They walked noisily along the path, tugging and pulling at each other. As he continued to explain himself, Qizi’s anger faded a little. They reached a vine-covered walkway, but the long bench there was already taken by another couple, so they walked through to the lake. They sat on the grassy bank. A few young lotus leaves, not yet fully flourishing, hovered over the water, and the mandarin ducks swam between them.
‘Qizi, when you get angry, my foot hurts.’ He showed her where he had twisted his ankle while teaching her to skate. He took her hand and went to place it on the injured part. When he saw that his sock was dirty, he put her hand back where he had taken it from.
In spite of his best efforts at humour, she would not laugh. The shimmer of the waves reflected on her face as she stared at the surface of the water, looking like she was about to make a momentous decision. Tears flowed continuously down to the tip of her nose and then dropped onto the back of her hand.
‘Qizi, I’ve really been wronged. I’m really furious with those sons of bitches. It must be Hei Chun’s doing. I’ll go find them and tell them to take my name off the list, and I’ll tell them that if they mess with me again, they better watch it.’
Mengliu stood up. Qizi grabbed at him. Still looking at the surface of the lake, she wiped the tears from the tip of her nose.
‘You ask other people to take this risk, but then you’re so faint-hearted yourself. Aren’t you ashamed?’ She suddenly looked up and stared at him. ‘You can’t say one thing and do another. There is no way out.’
‘I didn’t say one thing and do another. You know I won’t join an organisation. Don’t worry. I’ll turn it down. I’ve still got a lot that I want to do.’
‘It’s no use turning it down. Maybe you’re already being monitored.’
‘Right now, I just want to kiss you. Let them watch us through whatever telescope or binoculars they want to use.’ He embraced her.
‘We’re finished,’ she said feebly.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Over.’
‘Breaking up?
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘There’s no future for us…anyway, I want to leave the country.’
‘Of course. But Qizi, we planned to do that together.’
‘What I do is none of your business.’
‘You’re my future wife!’ He took her hand and pulled her around to face him. ‘Qizi, nothing is as important to me as you are. I don’t want to lose you. I’ll go and clear it up with them right now.’
As she looked at him she slowly moved into his embrace. ‘I don’t want to lose you either…I want to be with you.’
As she buried her face in his chest, the friction between them sparked promises of love. The sparks lit up their faces and eyes like the midday sun. They looked at each other, eyes locked together, oblivious to everything around them. He held her tightly to him, as if he wanted to press her through his skin and into his internal organs. He leant down and kissed her hard, and everything between them was renewed in the kiss.
‘I want to hear you play ‘The Pain of Separation’ again,’ Qizi said.
‘I didn’t bring it.’ His mouth was unwilling to do anything but kiss her.
She reached into his trouser pocket and pulled out the xun. ‘Everyone knows. Wherever you go, the kazoo is with you.’
‘Can’t we do a different song?’ he asked. He was thinking to himself, We’re so good together, why would we want the pain of separation?
‘No, play that one. It’s my favourite.’
‘Why don’t I teach you? It’s actually very simple.’
‘I don’t want to learn. I just want to hear you play.’
‘What’s my reward?’
‘See how well you play.’
‘First, just one kiss.’
14
In his desire to speak to the little raccoon, Mengliu lost control of himself, as if he’d just run into an old friend he had not seen for years. He did not hope for any response from the child, but simply said what was on his mind. It was like opening a release valve, letting out all kinds of grief, wallowing in guilt and a convoluted assortment of emotions. If the past was a woven garment, then Mengliu had found the end of a thread and was now unravelling it.
‘Someone like you can’t understand. Let me tell you Shanlai, Hei Chun was the best poet, and he looked just like he does in that photo — he was his own imagined king, and imagined… all kinds of crimes. Some of his ideas had merit, but some were unconscionable…Is he alive or dead? Has he turned to ashes? Who knows? No one knows, there’s no news…I cleared out all his things, returned them to his parents, basically treated them like relics. We all thought this way, because he certainly wasn’t the only one who disappeared. Hospitals, roadsides, funeral homes… we looked everywhere. The mothers of the missing youths were wailing day and night.’
‘Why did you run away?’ the little raccoon interrupted, looking at him with cold questioning eyes the colour of chocolate.
‘Um…I didn’t run away…’ Mengliu couldn’t explain clearly. He made a fist and slowly bit his knuckle, as if he could somehow find the answer there.
The little fellow put his book away. ‘You’re a weakling. You’re just a coward who’s afraid to die.’
Mengliu nodded his head woodenly, still lost in his thoughts. He folded his arms and rubbed his hands along his skin, as if he felt cold.
‘You’re right, that is the fairest, most accurate evaluation of me I’ve heard so far…My reputation in the medical community was all in vain. Those who lived by my scalpel were fewer than those who died under it. Publishing academic essays in authoritative journals, posing as a sanctimonious expert engaged in professional analysis, blatantly seeking publicity…All I did to achieve all that was spend a little money and buy space in a few journals. So we produce in abundance professionals without acumen and wicked drunkards. Authority? That never crossed my mind. And as for being a poet… Eh! I am very self-aware. In a money-minded society like ours, you can pass off fish eyes as pearls — there’s always some rubbish mixed in with the good stuff. Just because it’s gold, there’s no guarantee it will shine. How many layers is gold buried under? What I’m saying is…there’s too much garbage with this generation…there are no elite sensibilities. If you want to talk about strength of character, you’re just trying to live on air, bone-chilling air.’