SHE DWELT AMONG THE UNTRODDEN WAYS
BESIDE THE SPRINGS OF DOVE,
A MAID WHOM THERE WERE NONE TO PRAISE,
AND VERY FEW TO LOVE.
A VIOLET BY A MOSSY STONE
HALF-HIDDEN FROM THE EYE!
FAIR AS A STAR, WHEN ONLY ONE
IS SHINING IN THE SKY.
SHE LIVED UNKNOWN, AND FEW COULD KNOW
WHEN LUCY CEASED TO BE;
BUT SHE IS IN HER GRAVE, AND OH,
THE DIFFERENCE TO ME!
I recite the final stanza and slowly close the book. My gaze finally rises to see Sharon, peaceful in her bed, no longer struggling to breathe….gone.
For the second time in my life, I’ve lost my mother. I’m just thankful that this time, I had the chance to say goodbye. A sob breaks free and I unleash the tears I have been straining to contain. Barely able to catch my breath, I grip onto the book, rest my head on her legs once again, and let my blended heart spill out.
Campbell
My mind, my heart, screamed for a distraction. I needed something to pull me away from the pain of my loss.
I will be the first to admit I’ve struggled with Sharon’s death. I didn’t tell anyone about it, and allowed Evan and I to grieve alone, together. She had all of the funeral arrangements in place; all we did was make the announcement of her passing. It was a beautiful ceremony with so many people in attendance that there was no more room in the pews at the church. Previous foster children, who now had families of their own, community members, family, all there to celebrate how valuable her life was to them.
I listened as Evan spoke about his mother and how she loved so deeply and was adored by many. I listened and wished it to be over; I wanted to walk out of the church and be able to let that part of my life go. I wanted to not miss her, not love like I had, because I faced the same pain and grief I had when my parents died.
My wish didn’t come true.
So the distraction of my birthday was a diversion I gladly welcomed.
The girls planned such a nice birthday lunch for me, and I loved them for it. However, tonight has been what I have been most looking forward to. Lakin has been extremely persistent about spending time together, and I haven’t been strong enough to ward him off. The exact opposite, in fact. I find myself looking forward to our time together, even if it’s just as friends. I’ve kept my blossoming friendship with Lakin a secret, and I would love to share our relationship with the girls, but I know better. It would upset Brooks, it could make things awkward with Vivian, and it could strain those friendships. So for now, he stays a secret. Now more than ever, I need that friendship.
I wasn’t surprised when he demanded we spend time together on my birthday. I cleared my evening and he commandeered the available time.
When Lakin told me what we were doing tonight, I admit I was more than excited about it. I’ve only been bowling once in my life, the girls took me back in college, and I was worse than terrible. Thank goodness for the bumper pads that kept my granny-throws in the lane.
As horrible as I was, I had so much fun. I love getting to do things I didn’t get to as a kid. I never willingly let myself wallow in the fact I missed out. A childhood with sleepovers, birthday parties, and trips to the zoo isn’t what I had. So now, as an adult, it always feels extra good to make up for those things.
As I pull into the parking lot of the bowling alley, I park in the open space next to Lakin. He sees me, steps out of the car, and hustles to my spot to open my car door. My brain becomes mush and I have trouble concentrating for a moment. Lakin is a very attractive man, young, but attractive. I’ve managed to box him into a certain category, one with suits and business transactions. Tonight, when he stepped out of his car, he kicked through the square I pegged him into and now he stands before me, a man after my own heart.
Faded jeans hang on his hips, paired with a vintage t-shirt, which looks like it might have actually been at Woodstock, and a pair of black Converse. He reaches out his hand to help me out of the car and smiles when he notices my own purple Chuck Taylors.
“Cool shoes,” I slyly say as I take his hand. His strong grip feels nice wrapped around my fingers. I fight the urge to thread our fingers together and enjoy the idea of us as a couple.
“Shoes?” he asks dumbfounded. “I thought it would be the shirt that won you over. It took forever to find this Led Zeppelin shirt. I dressed up for your birthday.” He squeezes my hand and closes the door behind me.
“Don’t worry, I’m impressed by the shirt, too. You did well, Lakin,” I tell him, lightly pulling my hand away from his. I feel the loss instantly and regret the decision. Without skipping a beat, he places his hand at the small of my back and leads me into the bowling alley. It feels very couple-like, even though we are not a couple. If Brooks ever found out we were even hanging out as much as we do, he would be livid with Lakin. Since that first semester at college, Brooks has always been that older brother figure to me and he would expect the same treatment from Lakin. For us to venture into the realm of dating, would throw that relationship off kilter, and Brooks wouldn’t stand for it. For the sake of keeping the peace, I keep Lakin at a friendly, but appropriate, distance.
As soon as we pass through the entrance, I take a deep breath and let the stale beer and dirty shoes smell that’s wafting through the breeze from the ball return fans infiltrate my nose. I find it weird how bowling alleys have a specific odor to them. Jen would be throwing a fit at being subjected to such an aroma, but it brings a smile to my face. It’s the smell of people who are here to let off steam; it’s the smell of families who are out for a G-rated night on the town. Tonight is no different. Laughter occasionally interrupted by the sound of pins being knocked down, echoes through the place.
We gather our rented shoes, bowling balls, nachos, and sodas before finding our open lane.
“What are you staring at?” Lakin asks, noticing how I’ve centered my attention on the family one lane over. The children next to us squeal excitedly every time a pin falls. The parents provide high fives and hugs to each child as they return from their bowling attempt. I can’t pull my eyes away from the scene before me.
It’s pure bliss. It’s a family. Something I can’t remember ever being a part of, nor do I foresee ever having.
“I’m just glad we came here tonight,” I tell him as I finish lacing my red and brown leather bowling shoes. “Thank you for inviting me.”
“I can think of a million and a half ways you can repay me,” he says suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows and scooting closer to me on the bench.
“Oh my word. You’re terrible,” I chuckle, pushing him away from me. “Go bowl. You obviously have some pent up tension you need to let out.” He lets out a bellowing laugh and stands to retrieve his bowling ball.
“I guarantee bowling isn’t going to help with that.”
I pick up the nachos and shovel a chip into my mouth. “Well, if you keep it up, we won’t have to worry about anyone finding out about us hanging out. Brooks will let Jen neuter you, and then you can join us as one of the girls during our coffee get-togethers.”
He brings his hand up in surrender and laughs. “Mercy. I give up; even I know well enough to stay clear of Jen.”
Turning away from me, he slides his fingers into his bowling ball and hauls it up into position just in front of his face to line up his roll. Taking three long strides, he swings his arm back, and just as he slings it forward again to release it down the alley, I announce, “Then again, sex usually fixes most things.”