• 160 •
Descent
ChaPTER TwENTy-oNE
But this time she did something about it. Caroline hadn’t gone five yards before Shannon caught up with her and blocked her retreat.
“I don’t know what in the hell you think you saw, but you’re going to listen to what I have to say.” Her feet were planted firmly in front of Caroline and there was no way she was getting around her. When Caroline tried, Shannon shuffled her feet to maintain her position.
“I don’t give a shit what you have to say,” Caroline growled.
“And I don’t care what you think,” Shannon shot back. This did little to deflate Caroline’s anger and she crossed her arms in front of her in typical defensive body language, her face devoid of any emotion.
Shannon was not going to be deterred.
“I ran away from you once before, and it’s not your turn to do it to me. Not like this. There is nothing going on between me and Nikki Striker. There never has been and there never will be. She’s been after me forever, but I am not interested and I’ve told her that on more than one occasion. What you saw was just another attempt to get me…her way of trying to convince me…to get me to change my mind…” Shannon was flustered, unable to find the right words. The right words were important. She needed to convince Caroline that Nikki was nothing, never was, and never would be.
“You don’t expect me to believe that you turned her down? She’s just your type.”
Caroline’s words stung, but then again the truth sometimes did.
• 161 •
JuliE CaNNoN
With her reputation, why should Caroline believe her? She had to make her believe it.
“Yes, Caroline, I do expect you to believe me.” Caroline’s amused expression said it all. “And let me tell you why. First, I’ve never lied to you. Never. Well, there was that one time when you found that locket in my drawer and I told you it was for my mother,” Shannon said trying a little humor to deflect her nerves. It didn’t work.
“Seriously, Caroline. I didn’t lie to you when we were together, and I’m not lying to you now. If I’d slept with half the women I’ve been rumored to, I wouldn’t be here. You know what it takes to compete at this level.”
Caroline’s body had not relaxed but she wasn’t trying to sidestep her anymore either.
“I’ve missed you. I didn’t realize how much until the other night.
And no, it’s not about sex,” she added hastily lest Caroline think it was all about the sex. “I miss talking to you, holding you, watching you move, listening to you breathe, seeing the sparkle in your eyes when you’re excited, the fire when you’re angry. I miss arguing with you, debating with you, agreeing with you.”
Shannon took a chance that Caroline wouldn’t run and stepped away a foot or two. She needed to move, to help herself think. The words were pouring through her and threatened to spill out of her mouth unchecked.
“I’m sorry I left you all those years ago. I was a stupid kid who didn’t know any better. I was afraid. Afraid of my feelings for you.
Scared to death of your father. Dean Phillips held my future in her hands. Without you I didn’t have anybody to lean on, nobody to help me get through it. My parents were only concerned with themselves.
They had no clue how to be parents. I let you go and spent years trying to find your replacement. But I never did because no one can ever take your place in my heart, in my life. I never should have let you go without tracking you down to the ends of the earth.” Shannon took a breath, her courage building.
“I’ve done some things in my life I’m not terribly proud of.
Especially after…well, after high school. I’m not going to make any excuses or try to pretend they didn’t happen. I was ugly and mistreated people and I can’t begin to say how sorry I am. If I could make it up in
• 162 •
Descent
some way, I would. But all I can do right now is accept it, learn from it, and try to be a better person because of it.”
Shannon was suddenly very tired, like she’d been carrying a heavy wet blanket around her shoulders for the past ten years. She was weary and worn out, fatigue pulling down her limbs and her spirit. She had one more thing to say and she had to get it right. She might never have another opportunity.
“I wish I could do it all over again, that day. I’d tell your father that I loved you and I wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives. I’d tell him that he might be able to keep us apart until we were eighteen but after that, we’d be adults and would be together regardless of what he said. I’d tell him that I’d take care of you, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, and all the other words people in love say when they make a commitment to each other. And I would forsake all others.
I’d say all that, Caroline, because I loved you.”
Shannon stopped pacing and stood directly in front of Caroline.
Risking painful rejection, she grasped Caroline’s hands in hers. She felt them shaking. “And I’d say it all again today because I still love you.
I’ve never stopped loving you; I just didn’t know it. But I do now and I will do anything to convince you of it. Whatever you want me to do or say I will. I don’t want to lose you again.”
Shannon was breathing fast. She took the first deep breath in minutes and tried to calm her racing nerves. She had no idea she was going to say what she had, but realized that it was the truth. Every single word. She had used other women to try to find the same thrill, excitement, and connection she had had with Caroline. The more she failed, the more she tried until being with Caroline again ended the spiral.Shannon expected Caroline to say something, anything. But she just stood where she was and stared at her, her expression unreadable.
Shannon didn’t know whether to repeat everything she’d just said or fall on her knees and beg. She’d do anything to see Caroline smile at her, reach for her, touch her again. But she didn’t. Caroline simply walked away. Again. This time Shannon let her go.
v
• 163 •
JuliE CaNNoN
Caroline readied herself at the starting line. Glancing around, she recognized the faces she had seen for the past three months. Some looked tired and haggard, others deep in concentration, and no one was smiling and joking like they were before the first race. It seemed like a lifetime ago and when it came to what had happened with Shannon, it was.She had managed to avoid Shannon for the past four days. When she did catch a glimpse of her on the track or on the expo grounds, Caroline changed her course so as not to run into her. Her voicemail was full of messages from Shannon, going from eight or ten a day to now just one or two. At the first sound of her voice, Caroline hit the erase button and moved on to the next.
Shannon’s words had stunned her. She’d expected any explanation other than the one she got and she was still shell shocked. Shannon loved her? Was in love with her? After all this time? So much had happened between them, to them, and with other women. How could she be? She was a totally different person than the spineless teenager who almost blindly followed her father’s instructions. She was a grown woman, with different thoughts, beliefs, and goals in life. Or was she?
On their second night here, Fran had finally pried out of her exactly what had happened between them. As a good friend should, she let Caroline vent, spew, cuss, and cry before putting in her two cents’
worth. Fran had admitted she had no idea what to say or do so she simply tried to keep her busy and had also acted as a lookout.