“Don’t touch,” he says against my lips. His voice and the command shock me back into the moment. He doesn’t want me to touch him?
“Stop,” I say when he reaches for my hand.
“Bell, I need you,” he groans, but reality has set in and I know this isn’t right. I’m not going to give him anything if he won’t give me a piece of himself.
“Jesse, step back,” I request, but he doesn’t move. “Jesse, I really need you to move back,” I try again with more force. He lets out a shaky breath before releasing my hand and stepping back.
“Fuck,” he shouts, turning and kicking at the porch swing.
Jesus, what is happening here?
“Jesse, what’s going on?" My hands move to the tops of my arms, holding myself in anticipation of what he’s about to say.
“I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.” He looks up, and for a second, it’s as if I’m staring into the eyes of my father. Eyes that know sorrow. Whatever he’s processing is not good and the scary thing is I don’t know if I can help him.
“Do you want to talk?” I ask eventually, giving in to him and the affliction he’s fighting.
“I don’t want to talk,” he says, rubbing his face.
“Then why did you come here, Jesse? Why did you come to me?” I grow frustrated. We talk every day. We haven’t labeled anything, but what does he want from me?
“I don’t know, Bell. I don’t fucking know anything anymore.” He sits in the same swing he just kicked and I have to hold myself back from going to him. If he needs to talk, I can do that, just not here. Not when my parents could come home soon.
“Let me grab my jacket and shoes,” I say, giving him all the control again, an effect of having Jesse kiss me.
“Okay.” He stands and takes a deep breath.
“Will you wait for me?" I ask when he starts walking back to his bike.
“Yeah,” he answers without turning back.
“Because if you leave when I’m inside, I’ll be angry,” I warn, trying not to show my vulnerability.
I wait until he agrees and I turn and open the front door. I lock up behind me and go in search of my shoes and a jacket.
“Who’s that?” my sister asks when I get to my room.
“Ummm,” I panic. Shit I forgot Ava is nosey. She was probably spying on me.
“Don’t lie to me, Bell.” She folds her arms like mom would do and I almost laugh.
“Jesse, he’s a friend,” I explain, hoping she didn’t see the kiss or she would think I’m lying.
“Mom’s going to freak,” she says, ignoring the friend comment.
“You can’t tell her.” I opt for pleading. Oh, God, she will blab. I can feel it.
“You know this is ridiculous? You’re twenty-three. You don’t have to worry what Mom says. If you just stood up to her, she can’t do anything.” She walks into my room and falls back to my bed.
“I know. It’s my fault. I let it happen this way. I am trying to fix it, make it better for everyone,” I tell her and she nods like she understands, even if she doesn’t.
“Be safe.” A foreign smile spreads over her face and it’s so amazing to see it on her, I stop what I’m doing and move to her, pulling her up and into my arms.
“Always,” I whisper into her hair, holding her tightly.
“This means you owe me.” She pulls back and smirks. I don’t reply. I just watch the sneaky witch try to play me. “Friends, hey?” She pushes, and I know she’s too smart to fool.
“I don’t know what’s worse, Mom finding out I’m out with an older man, or me owing you.” Her laugh echoes in our empty house and it feels good to finally hear it.
“How old is he?” She pushes but I don’t have time to explain everything.
“We’ll talk later. I have to go.” I hear the sound of the bike start up.
“Holy shit, he has a bike?” She chokes on her scream. I ignore her freak out and pick up my jacket.
“Not a word to Mom.” I point back at her, needing to know she has my back.
“What do you want me to tell her if she asks?” she yells when I reach the bottom of the stairs.
“Tell her I went to Lissy’s.” Knowing my Mom, she will believe it.
“Have fun.” Ava waves and I return it before locking the door and rushing out to meet Jesse.
“You sure about this, Bell?” Jesse asks before handing me his spare helmet.
“Yeah. I’ve never been so sure,” I admit and then recoil when a cocky smirk graces his face. I wish I knew what it is about him, why he tries so hard to hide behind the bullshit smiles, but I don’t. All I know is his coming to me tonight has flipped something in me.
“You been on a bike before, Bell?” He helps me fasten the strap on my helmet.
“No, this will be my first time.”
“Oh, you always remember your first time, Bell.” His lame line makes me laugh. I’m so used to them now. I think I fall for him a little more, especially if they are extra lame.
“You’re so bad.”
“I know. You want help?” he asks, but I shake my head.
“It’s not rocket science, Jesse,” I say, lifting my leg and climbing on behind him.
“Jesus, who are you and where have you been?” He shakes his own head, like he’s lost in the thought.
I don’t reply but I do grin like a fool.
“Are we going?” I tap his shoulder when he continues to sit staring back at me. The rumble of the bike vibrates through me as an answer and I slide forward a little to get my balance. He reaches back, pulls my hands around him and gives me a squeeze. I don’t protest. Instead, I lean closer as he revs the throttle a little more.
“Hold on, baby.” He looks back, his eyes pure seduction, dripped in mischief. I hold on to them, wondering what it means. I was right when I said this man is a puzzle. One minute, it’s like I’m looking into the eyes of a man falling apart, fighting demons, and the next, he’s playing with me.
If only I knew which one was the real Jesse Carter.
“Do you bring all the girls out here?” I joke when Jesse shuts off his bike twenty-minutes later. I look around the empty parking lot of Mount Lookout, Rushford’s very own make-out point. I’ve heard the stories of this place, lots of stories.
“No, Bell.” He lifts his helmet off his head and packs it away in a side compartment.
I climb off the back before working on my helmet. “I was joking,” I say, not sure what he’s thinking. The ride up was quiet. While I’ve never been on a bike before, riding with Jesse eased me into it. I didn’t let the feeling of holding him affect me. If I did, I would be swept up in it.
“Want to walk?” I ask, watching him take my helmet and becoming lost in his head again.
“Yeah,” he agrees, reaching out his hand for mine. I don’t falter. Taking his hand in mine, I let him pull me toward the walking track. The dark night is illuminated with street lamps, but not enough to see if anyone is hiding in the bushes.
“Jesse, is it safe here?” I ask when the chill in the air brings goose bumps to my arms.
“I’ve got you, Bell.” He wraps his arm around me and the smell of his leather cut fills my nostrils. Who would have thought leather and man, could smell so good.
“Any news on Paige?” I ask after a few minutes of silence.
“Not yet, still working on a few angles.” I smile, not giving up hope that the Knights Rebels can help me.
“So what’s going on?” I come out and ask. Better to let it all out. Plus, I need to know what made him come to me.
“Just shit with my family,” he says, but doesn’t elaborate.
“Anything I can help with?”