“Because I don’t deserve more.” He drops his head, and the man I’ve grown to know and care about is so lost, no one can see it. He’s perfected this happy-go-lucky attitude, but standing here now, I can see how it’s all a lie. He’s absent, and dare I say broken, I wonder if he knows he’s slipping. “I don’t deserve what a promise like you offers. Even if after one time, if I could walk way, once would be too much.”
“Jesse,” I sigh, not even sure where to begin. What the hell happened to this man?
“You think I don’t want you? It’s not true, I think I want you too much, and that would never end well. I’m doing this for you. I’m saving you, Bell.” I take everything he’s saying. He wants me too much?
“Okay, Jesse.” I try for a cool smile, but I know he can see the difference.
“You understand then?” he asks.
“Yeah, I do understand. I never knew what a coward looked like until this very moment.” The insult rolls off my tongue and if I had the ability to shove it back down my throat, I would.
“Coward?” His tone changes and his eyes darken against the night.
“Yeah, I get it. You live in disappointment so much you’ve forgotten to let go. You’re scared. I’ve been the same, but the difference between you and me, I can see why I push people away, but I don’t want to be stuck anymore. You come into my life. You make me want things differently and then you start to freak out, you pull away. I get it.”
I watch his jaw tick at my words, and I know I’m pushing for a reaction. I’ve seen Jesse in many ways, but pissed off is not one. I know I’m being hard on him, giving it to him straight, but the ugliness of rejection is spurring me on.
“You don’t know me.” He steps forward into my space. The tick in his jaw starts to beat in time with my pulse.
“I know more than you think,” I counter.
“You want me to fuck you on the side of the road like a whore?” He hooks his finger in my belt loop and pulls me to him. A breath I had been holding escapes my lips before he continues. “For me to peel these jeans down your legs, bend you over and pound into you, like an easy fuck?” he seethes while his finger slides along the top of my jeans, flicking the button open. I want to pull away, slap him for degrading what I want, but it’s like my throat has closed up. “Want me to spank your ass while your pussy milks my cock, Bell? Is this what you want? For me to fuck you like the last whore I had on the back of my bike?” His hand slides into my panties over my bare lips and finds my wetness.
“Fuck, Bell,” he moans, feeling how wet I am. “You dirty little bitch. You’re fucking soaking.” He groans and the sound of it goes straight to my core.
“Jesse,” I moan as my head rolls to the side, the intimacy of his rough finger gliding through me is more than I imagined.
“Don’t speak my name like that, Bell,” he warns as the tip of his finger finds my entrance. I know this is wrong, and not how I ever pictured my first time, but it doesn’t matter. I need this to happen. I want to let this happen with him.
“Please,” I beg when he holds off from sinking further in. That one word is all it takes for him to slide his finger in. “Jesse,” I half cry as he stretches me.
“Jesus, you’re fucking tighter than I imagined.” He moves his fingers and my concern is replaced with desire.
“Jesse, I—” I start to tell him, but I’m too lost in the sensation of what having a man finger fuck me feels like.
“That’s it, baby, fuck my fingers.” He slides in a second finger. It’s not like anything I’ve ever felt before. The heat building from within, the electricity coursing under my skin. A wave of emotion, a warm build up from inside out, threatens to flood through me and there’s no stopping it.
“Jesse, there’s something—” I pant unable to get it all out. “Oh, God!” I throw my head back in ecstasy as my fingers dig into his leather cut. “Yes,” I cry out, as heat blankets me, taking me on one hell of a ride. My head spins and my face feels numb, but I can’t think about all those things because Jesse keeps pumping into me, sending me into a frantic state.
“Holy fuck, sweetheart,” Jesse groans, slowing his fingers while I come back to myself.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I race out, not sure what just happened. I mean I’ve touched myself before, and brought myself to orgasm, but this? This was on another level.
“Turn around and lean over the bike, now,” he commands, and even though a small part of me doesn’t want it to happen like this, I can’t stop myself from doing as I’m told. I spin and face the bike feeling Jesse slide my jeans and panties down my legs.
“Step out of them,” he says, and again I obey by kicking off my flats and stepping out of my pants. I should tell him I have no idea what I’m doing, it’s only fair to him, but a part of me knows if I do, he will stop this.
“Lean over, sweetheart.” His palm moves to my lower back guiding me forward. I hear the rustle of jeans and the tear of what I assume is the condom packet, but none of this brings me out of my trance. Nothing makes me want to put a stop to it. “This what you want, Bell?” He kicks my feet out wider, making my stance more exposed. “Want me to fill your pussy?” He continues with his filthy words while gliding the tip of his cock along my pussy. It’s like I’m suspended in a world of pleasure, knowing in a minute it’s all going to come down around me in pain. Everything around me stops. Waiting for that moment.
“Tell me to stop, Bell,” Jesse pleads behind me, but I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to tell him.
“Please, Jesse,” I beg instead.
Then he’s in me.
I cry out in discomfort as the intrusion stretches me wider than before. Searing pain anchors me frozen. Head spinning, body buzzing, and heart racing, my senses come alive. Oh, God, this is happening.
“What the fuck, Bell?” Jesse’s planted inside me.
“Don’t stop,” the words spew out in protest. I just need to adjust to his size I tell myself.
“Jesus, fuck, you’re a virgin?” He sounds pissed off, more pissed off than I imagined, so I don’t acknowledge that he’s correct.
Instead, I beg him to keep going, “Please don’t stop, Jesse.”
“Answer me, dammit.” He doesn’t pull out, but he doesn’t keep moving.
“Well, kind of.”
“What do you mean ‘kind of’? You either are, or you aren’t.”
“I tried it once, well half-tried,” I correct. I start to move, but his palm pushes me further down onto the bike.
“Don’t fucking move,” he grinds out and the sound has me clenching. “And don’t fucking do that.” His hold on my hip tightens stopping me from moving.
“Sorry,” I whisper, starting to feel more comfortable with him inside of me.
“Go back to the half. You can’t half have sex,” he accuses, but he would be wrong.
“Well, I have.” I’m defensive. What would he know?
“Yeah? And how did you manage that?” His tone rubs me wrong but I’m pinned to a bike and currently attached to his cock, so I can’t move.
“I was almost seventeen. My boyfriend at the time wanted it. But I couldn’t handle it, okay? I barely let him all the way in before I freaked out,” I say, my embarrassment growing.
“Jesus, fuck, you’re a virgin.”
“Fine, okay, yes. Technically, I’m a virgin. Is it a problem?” I feel him grow even harder.
“Why didn’t you try again?” he asks and I don’t want to answer, but I know he won’t accept my silence.
“He dumped me because I wasn’t ready. Then a few weeks later, Paige went missing and I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve been ready.”
“Fucking Hell, Bell,” he curses, still not moving from me.
“Just fuck me, Jesse,” I tell him, more ready than I’ll ever be. I’ve come this far. I’m not that girl any more. I can handle this.
“I’m going to Hell for this,” he moans, before slowly moving. My discomfort is long gone, making me believe it’s going to be fine, but as he enters me harder with each thrust, I feel the burn start to build. “Fuck, this is wrong,” he says again, but for me, everything is telling me it’s right. His breathing starts to labor as his strokes become faster. More controlled.