“That’s true,” I said softly. “There’s no defense. I should’ve told you what you were getting into, so you could make an honest decision. I’m sorry.”
“Was it revenge?”
“No,” I said miserably. “I just…I didn’t think you’d want to be with me if you knew the truth.”
“That was always our problem. Too much thinking, not enough trusting.”
“I do trust you.” Now. I wasn’t sure when it had happened, but at some point during the weeks, rebuilding together, he had become a different person in my mind. Not the same man who hurt me.
“You can,” he said. “But it goes both ways. And that means talking to me, even when you’d rather not.”
That stung, as he’d turned my own sentiments against me. “Yeah, you’re definitely mad.”
“Obviously. But I’m too tired to fight.” He smiled in a way that pierced my heart and pinned it to the back of my rib cage, where it fluttered, caught and helpless.
Our gazes clung, and everything I felt for him swamped me a torrential rush. Please don’t break my heart again, I thought.
Since I’d confessed all my secrets, it seemed fair he should do the same. If he froze me out, the rejection might mean he was more than just angry. “Will you tell me about Lily?”
He stilled, just a few seconds; then he came toward me and perched on the edge of the bed. “Of course.”
“Where did you meet her?”
“In college.”
That much was news to me. I hadn’t known that Chance had gone, although I wasn’t surprised, come to think of it. He had a certain polish that came from education, although I suspected he’d grown up poor. It was the only thing that explained his obsession with money—or rather, the fact that no amount could ever be enough. I still found it tough to credit that he’d stopped doing business to be with me.
I’d caught him researching investments, but he was secretive about why he was looking up tablets produced in Taiwan or Japanese technical innovations. Everyone needed a purpose. I didn’t think he was trying to keep me out of the loop, however; this time, I suspected he wanted to have all his ducks in a row before explaining the premise.
I prompted with a small, encouraging sound. “Uh-huh?”
“Lily was a music major. Beautiful voice.”
If I knew anything about Chance, she had a lovely face too. The first time around, I felt like a consolation prize or that he secretly believed he didn’t deserve better. Obviously that could’ve been my old self-esteem issues. I didn’t feel that way about myself anymore.
“What did you study?”
He shot me a grateful look. “I majored in finance. Didn’t graduate.”
“Why not?”
“Money,” he said flatly.
From his tone, I shouldn’t ask. There were limits to how much he could open up, and I couldn’t just dig out all his secrets with a conversational backhoe. This was supposed to be about Lily, so I’d stay on topic.
“What was she like?” And did you love her? I didn’t ask the second question out loud for obvious reasons.
“Her voice was a smoky alto…like a torch singer.” By the way he produced the words in staccato increments, it hurt him to talk about her. “She joked a lot. Made me laugh. She came from money, but she never…”
“Flaunted it?” I guessed.
“Yeah. Or made me feel bad because I couldn’t take her to the places her previous boyfriends could.”
Expensive jewelry, fine restaurants— check. It occurred to me then that while we were together, Chance had used me to get rich enough to please a dead girl. I’m sure he wouldn’t have thought of it in those terms because she was gone, but sometimes we grieve in odd ways and do things that don’t rationally make sense. Pain clamped around my heart.
“And she was gifted?”
He nodded. “Like I already told you, astral projection was her thing. I had no idea I was dangerous then.” Chance hesitated, and I heard the pain tightening his tone. “Before Lily, I hadn’t gotten serious with anyone. A few months, and I was bored. Ready to move on.”
“But she was special,” I said softly.
“Yeah. She stuck by me through some tough times.”
“Oh?” Sometimes, I thought, it was better not to know. Right then I imagined a different Chance, bright and wild in love. Not the quiet, closed-off man whom I had been so desperate to please. Maybe this was a terrible idea, after all, because no matter what he felt for me, I’d never be Lily, and that hurt me all over again.
Fortunately, some happier memories put a smile on his face and he didn’t notice my reaction. “We lived in this awful apartment because I couldn’t afford half the rent on anything better. At one point, her father tried to buy me off. Offered me a hundred grand to walk away and not look back.”
“You told him to fuck off?”
“More or less.”
“If you weren’t in college, what were you doing?”
“Dealing blackjack in a casino.”
That was something I hadn’t known either. He was already self-employed when I met him. “And Min?”
Funny, but until now I didn’t realize how little he’d shared about his life. When we first got together, I had been so dazzled, so awestruck, that he wanted to be with me, that I hadn’t asked too many questions. I’d respected the DO NOT DISTURB sign posted in his eyes. Chance had wanted to live in the moment, and since I had my own ghosts, I was happy not to think about the future…or the past.
“She was working in an herbal remedies shop. I hadn’t saved enough for her to open her own store yet.”
“So when you and I went into business together—”
“We were working on my mom’s behalf. At least, that’s what I did with my share. She deserved to be her own boss.…She sacrificed a lot bringing me up. I know she went without so the other kids wouldn’t make fun of me at school.”
Another new thought, Chance as an underprivileged kid. If they’d scrimped and saved to put food on the table, that, too, probably explained his fixation on making money. But back to Lily. Provided I could handle more revelations. At least getting to know Chance took my mind off what might be going on with Shannon.
“Did Lily graduate?”
“Summa cum laude.”
Impressive. I only knew that meant she’d gotten really good grades. The education I’d gotten since high school, I’d acquired myself, and I did a lot of reading on my own—various fiction and nonfiction. I was partial to John D. MacDonald. None of that eclectic reading constituted a degree, but I didn’t let it make me feel bad. He’d come after me, given up everything for me. Surely that meant something, more than just that he didn’t want to be alone. A guy like Chance never had trouble finding company; he could crook his finger and summon a date. He wanted a partner. He wanted me.
“What did she want to do, music-wise?”
“I thought she was good enough to sign with a major label,” he said, “but she wanted to get her master’s and go into music therapy. She intended to do good works instead of get rich.”
Wow. That might’ve been a bone of contention. I could see the trouble brewing in my mind’s eye. If Lily grew up with money, and just wanted to help people, she might not understand Chance’s need to prove himself by putting lots of zeroes in a bank account. She wouldn’t have understood that particular drive, even if she loved him. Since I’d been dirt-poor, I got it. I had the same compulsive need about having a home.
“How long were you together?”
“Five years, until I was twenty-four.”
Longer than I’d expected—sometimes answers didn’t offer all the solutions; they just created more doubt. How could I compete with this? Yet he was doing as I’d requested, so it didn’t seem fair to punish him because he’d loved someone else first.