Tak still smiled, nodding.
“And you say people are talking about me like I’d done something great. Leave? You think I’m not going to go mad in some other city? There I might not have all these extras.” Kid put the glass down, punched the air, and leaned back on the wall. “I…like it here? No. I want to see some sun. Sometimes I want to reach up and peel off all that sky. It looks like the cardboard they make egg crates out of, you know? Just peel it, in great, flapping strips. I wonder where Lanya went.” He frowned. “You know, maybe I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. And the book is finished with; I mean it’s all written and in type; and I don’t want to do anymore.” He turned his fist on his forefinger. “And even if they say I’m a hero, I didn’t really do anything.” He looked at the posters: just pictures, yet thinking that opened both their mocking and their harrowing resonances; he looked away. “Something isn’t…finished here. No.” The denial made him smile. “It’s me. At least part has to do with me. Or maybe George. Or June…It would almost look like everything was finished, wouldn’t it? And maybe it’s time to leave? But that’s what lets me know I shouldn’t. Because there’re no distractions. I can look in and see. There’s so much I don’t know.” The laughter filled his mouth, but when he let it out, it was only breath from a smile. “Hey, you want to blow me? I mean…if you’d like to, I’d like it.”
Tak frowned, put his head to the side. But before he spoke, his own rough laugh exploded: “You are a nervy bastard!”
“I don’t mean just suck my dick. I’d make love with you. I’ve done it before, with guys.”
“I never doubted it a minute.” Tak laughed again. “And no, I don’t want to suck your dick, pussy or no. Where do you come off with that idea?”
But something inside had released. Kid yawned hugely and explained, with the end of it muddling his words, “Lanya said I should go to bed with you again; she thought you’d like it.”
“Did she, now?”
“But I said you were only interested in first tastes.” Looking at Loufer, he suddenly realized behind the blond jocularity there was embarrassment, so looked at his lap again. “I guess I was…” right was mauled by another yawn.
“Oh, look. Why don’t you just lie down and go to sleep. What I want to do is drink about three more shots of brandy and read a God-damn book or something.”
“Sure.” Kid lay belly down on the pallet, and jiggled around so the chains and prisms and projector did not bite his chest.
Tak shook his head, turned around in his chair, and stretched for the second shelf over the desk. A book fell. Tak sighed.
Kid grinned and moved his mouth down into the crook of his arm.
Tak drank some more brandy, folded his arms on the desk and began to read.
Kid looked for the sadness again, but it was now neatly invisible among dark folds. Hasn’t turned a page for ten minutes, was his last amused thought before he closed his eyes and—
“Hey.”
Kid, lying on his back, grunted, “Huh?”
Tak scratched his naked shoulder and looked perturbed. Kid thought: Now he’s going to—?
“I’m afraid I gotta kick you out.”
“Oh…” Kid squinted and stretched, in muffled and mechanical protest. “Yeah, sure.” Behind the bamboo curtains were streaks of light.
“I mean a friend of mine came over,” Tak explained, “and we’d sort of like…”
“Oh, yeah…” Kid closed his eyes tight as he could, opened them, and sat up while the chains rattled down his chest, and blinked:
Black, perhaps fifteen, in jeans, sneakers, and a dirty white shirt, the boy stood by the door, blinking on balls of red glass.
Kid’s back snarled with chills; he made himself smile. From some other time came the prepared thought: Such distortion tells me nothing of him, and is only terrifying because so much is unknown of myself. And the autonomic nerves, habituated to terror, nearly made him scream. He kept smiling, nodded, got groggily to his feet. “Oh, sure,” he said. “Yeah, I’ll be on my way. Thanks for letting me crash.”
Passing through the doorway, he had to close his eyes, again, tight as possible, then look, again, hopeful that the crimson would vanish for brown and white. They’ll think I’m still half asleep! he hoped, hoped desperately, his boot scraping the roof’s tarpaper. Morning was the color of dirty toweling. He left it for the dark stair. Shaking his head, he tried not to be afraid, so thought: Ousted for someone younger and prettier, wouldn’t you know. Well—beneath the lids the eyes were glass and red! He reached a landing, swung round it, and remembered the nervous woman with skirts always far too long for the season, who had been his math instructor his first term at Columbia: “A true proposition,” she had explained, rubbing chalky fingertips hard on one another, “implies only other true propositions. A false one can imply, well, anything—true, false, it doesn’t matter. Anything at all. Anything…” As if the absurd gave her comfort, her perpetual tone of hysteria had softened momentarily. She left before the term’s completion. He hadn’t, damn it!
Nine flights down he walked the warm hall. Twelve steps up? Thirteen he counted this time, stubbing his toe on the top one.
Kid came out on the dawn-dim porch hung with hooks and coiled with smoke. He jumped from the platform, still groggy, still blinking, still filled with the terror which there was no other way to deal with save laughter. After all, he thought, ambling toward the corner, if this burning can go on forever, if besides the moon there really is a George, if Tak kicks me out for a glass-eyed spade, if days can disappear like pocketed dollars, then there is no telling. Or only the telling, but no reasoning. He hooked his thumbs in his pockets where the material was already fraying, and turned the corner.
Between the warehouses, clearing and fading in moving smoke, the bridge rose and swung out into oblivion. Among the consorted fragments of his curiosity, the thought remained: I should have at least made him give me a cup of coffee before I went. He cleared his sticky throat, and turned, expecting the suspension cables any moment to fade forever, while he (forever?) wandered the smelly waterfront that somehow never actually opened on water.
This wide avenue had to lead onto the bridge.
Kid followed it for two blocks around a dark official building. Then, beyond a twist of figure-eights and cloverleaves, the road rolled out between the suspensors, over the river.
He could only see as far as the start of the second span. The mist, among folds and tendrils, condensed the limits of vision. Foggy dawns should be chill and damp. This one was grit dry, tickled the back of his arms and the skin beneath his neck with something only a breath off body temperature. He walked up the edge of the road, Thinking: There are no cars, I could run down the middle. Suddenly he laughed loudly (swallowing phlegm caught there in the night) and ran forward, waving his arms, yelling.
The city absorbed the sound, returned no echoes.
After thirty yards he was tired, so he trudged and panted in the thick, dry air. Maybe all these roads just go on, he theorized, and the bridge keeps hanging there. Hell, I’ve only been going ten minutes. He walked beneath several overpasses. He started to run again, coming around a curve to the bridge’s actual entrance.
The roads’ lines between the cables began a dozen perspective V’s, their single vertex lopped by fog. Slowly, wonderingly, he started across toward the invisible shore. Once he went to the rail and looked over through the smoke to the water. He looked up through girders and cables past the walkway toward the stanchion tower. What am I doing here? he thought, and looked again into the fog.