“Gabby needs a break. She said this area’s been clear for a while.”
“Gee, I wonder why,” I mumbled as I opened my door. I waited for Carlos as he grabbed our bags from the trunk. The rest of the group shuffled toward the shady “office.”
“Not that I expect five star hotels or anything, but a single star would be better than this.”
“We’ll be safe,” Carlos said, coming to stand beside me.
I tipped my face up to look at him. “From the Urbat, yes. But I bet there’s a lot nastier stuff crawling around in those rooms.
“Come on.” He led me toward the office. The rest were just coming out with keys.
“The rooms only have one bed each,” Emmitt said as he held up a fistful of old-fashioned keys.
I glanced at the numbers on the doors. One through lucky number seven.
Carlos took a key and watched me. My guilty conscience had me wondering if he was expecting me to throw a fit.
“Well, come on, snuggle buddy,” I said. “You can protect me from everything that skitters away when the lights go on.”
I heard Michelle make a concerned noise. She looked less pleased than I did. Bethi, on the other hand, seemed to have no problem with the situation.
I followed Carlos to the door and peered around him as he turned the light on. The inside was far better than the outside. The room smelled fresh, was bright, and looked clean.
“Thank God!” I flopped onto the bed and didn’t move.
Fourteen
Something tickled my hair, and for a confused moment, I was certain I had a cockroach crawling on me. My eyes flew open, and I almost yipped in surprise when I saw Carlos not far from me.
As my mind tried to sort through the lingering dream and the recalled impression of our current motel, I noted other things. The sunlight that poured through the window. Carlos shirtless and on top of the covers. My bare feet comfortably tucked under the same covers.
I blinked at Carlos’ sleep-relaxed face as I tried to shake the dream that still clung to me. Ethan had visited me and a bittersweet pang remained.
In my dream, Ethan hadn’t said anything to me, just smiled gently and held my hand. We’d been sitting somewhere, but I couldn’t recall that detail, only the feel of his hand holding mine.
Something moved in my hair again, and I twisted to see what. Carlos lay with his arms behind his head, and his fingers tangled in the ends of my hair. I made to move away but saw his fingers delve deeper. Despite his closed eyes, he was awake.
I rolled toward him, trying not to stare at his chest.
“I dreamt of Ethan last night,” I said softly.
Carlos turned his head and looked at me, his dark eyes fathomless.
“I’m sorry he’s gone.”
“Why? You didn’t like him.”
“No, I didn’t. But you did. And I see how much it hurts you. I would do anything, even put up with another man in your life, to erase the pain I see.”
I hated when Carlos said stuff like that. I wasn’t emotionally ready to deal with it.
“Maybe that’s why he came to you last night,” he continued. “Maybe he was telling you he’s okay.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “He was letting me know he’s still waiting for me. He’ll be there on the other side, ready to hold my hand.”
Carlos remained quiet for a moment.
“I won’t leave you like he did.”
I scowled at Carlos and got out of bed.
“Given a choice,” I said as I rifled through my bag, “Ethan would have stayed with me.”
A hand settled on my shoulder.
“Let him go.”
“How?” I said, whirling to face him.
My budding anger fled at the sight of Carlos standing before me without a shirt. His gaze traced my face for a moment, then he stepped close. My breath caught as his hands curled around my arms. I could feel each finger pressing firmly into my skin. With slow deliberateness, he drew me closer until I was flush against his chest. A tremble passed through him at the contact. I wasn’t unaffected, either. I raised my hands to try to brace myself and win some space.
His thumbs skimmed over the skin of my arms, and his gaze fell to my mouth. Then I knew how he meant for me to let Ethan go.
My pulse leapt, and I struggled to come up with something to distract him.
“Aren’t you supposed to say some stupidly sappy thing to win me over first?”
“I could tell you I’d die for you,” he said in a low, measured voice. “But that would be cruel. I would never leave you alone like that. I’d rather die with you. So, even at the end, we’re still together. Do you understand? I don’t just want to be with you. I want to be with you forever.”
His hand rose, and his shaking fingers touched my cheek.
“He may be waiting for you on the other side, but I’m here...right now...waiting for you.”
He slowly bent toward me. My face flushed, and I felt a rush of yearning as his mouth hovered over mine. Conflicted feelings tore through me as he waited, watching me so closely. My attraction to Carlos was undeniable, but how could I feel anything like this right now?
I tipped my head down, away from the temptation and stared at my fingers on his bare chest.
“I know you’re waiting. And my answer hasn’t changed. I can’t.” I was still too raw on the inside to consider it. How many days had it been since I’d buried my friend? Now Carlos was asking me to let him go. Some part of me understood what he’d said. He wasn’t trying to pull Ethan’s memory from me, just my hold on our past. The hold that kept my chest aching hollowly and kept me from moving forward.
“I’ll still be here, waiting, when you can,” he said softly.
Why did he have to say that? The gentle press of his lips against my forehead along with the tremble in his hand nearly had me clenching my fists to keep from reaching for him. Then, he stepped away and left the room.
I groaned and hit the bathroom door in frustration. Why did everything have to be so damn complicated? No, not everything. Feelings. Emotions. I hated them.
Grabbing my clothes didn’t erase the feel of Carlos’ skin from my hands. And shutting myself in the bathroom didn’t stop my wayward thoughts. I was frustrated with how I felt, the direction of my life, everything. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. But more than that, I liked Carlos. He was an amazing spar partner and easy to be around. Sure, his detachment might annoy me at times, but mostly because I envied it. Plus, I knew he wasn’t really detached. He’d let me feel how he felt toward me. I braced my hands against the sink and hung my head for a moment.
He wanted me, and I wanted him. I really did. And that was the problem. Wanting Carlos felt like I was cheating on Ethan. I stepped away from the sink and turned on the shower before stripping down. The water didn’t wash away the guilt for Ethan or the guilt for turning away Carlos.
By not accepting Carlos’ kiss, I was sure I’d hurt him. Yeah, he’d said he understood my hesitancy and that he would be patient, but I wondered if he truly understood. I wanted him to understand. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t even Ethan. It was me.
I sighed and turned off the water and started drying off. Pulling on clothes over my damp skin was a pain, but I knew I needed to woman up and talk to Carlos and try to explain. If I didn’t hurry, I’d change my mind.
Just as I yanked open the bathroom door, someone knocked on the outside door. Panic, not my own, washed over me. Something was wrong. I ran to the door.
Gabby stood there, her eyes wide, with Clay right behind her, looking concerned.
“Carlos...” she said.
My heart seemed to seize in my chest.
“Carlos what?” I grabbed her arms and pulled in her panic. Clay grunted as she sighed.