The Marshal’s face contracted, showing wrinkles it would not bear for many years. “It wasn’t—”
“I didn’t think it was Gird. I told him that, too—that too many youngsters thought the gods blessed their folly. But Marshal—I think I said too much. Gird graces the hard head, as well as the strong arm. He was angry, at me, and that made him—”
“Maybe not.” The Marshal sighed. “If it was Gird, if it wasn’t just a childish stunt—” He looked at the others. “What do you know about this? Were you all in it with him—did he think it up—or what?” For a moment no one answered. Then Mal, his voice still distorted by the bruises on his face, spoke up.
“Sir Marshal, Ambros was determined to find the priest as soon as he came back from talking to the robbers. He told me then that Paks thought he should wait for you—but he was sure that he couldn’t.”
“Is that true, Paksenarrion? Did you try to dissuade him?”
Paks nodded. “Yes, sir. When he first told me, on the way back from the keep, I thought he was crazy.” She felt the blood rush to her face, and glanced down. “I—he had told me, sir, of a dream, a few days before. He dreamed he was killed, in some battle. It was the day after you left.”
“Did he think it was a true dream?”
“He wasn’t sure. He asked me—I didn’t know. He thought it might be an evil sending to frighten him from doing what he should. That’s what finally made him do this, sir, I’m sure. I tried—I tried to tell him it could be a warning from Gird—or something like that—but he thought he had to find out.”
“But why couldn’t he wait? At least a few days—” The Marshal looked toward Ambros’s body.
“He—he thought it must be soon, sir.” Paks felt the tears burning in her eyes. She hoped Ambros would not mind her telling the dream now. “He could see—in the dream—the marks I gave him that last night at drill. The cut hadn’t healed.” The Marshal nodded, silent. Then he looked at the others.
“Did he tell any of you this dream?”
“No, sir.” They answered in a ragged chorus. Mal went on. “I knew something was wrong, sir—he didn’t say about the dream, but when I said something about not being in best shape to fight, he took me up on it and said I should stay behind.”
The discussion dragged on for hours. Finally the Marshal dismissed them, having, as it seemed, worn out his anger. Paks was so tired she could hardly walk, but her mind kept buzzing at her. She made it to the inn, and up the stairs, without a word to anyone. Stretched on her bed, still wearing her armor, she wondered what she’d done with her horse, and was too tired to get up and find out. She thought she would never go to sleep. Cold air rolled over her from the window. At last she managed to pull a blanket over her and slept.
Dawn came gray and foggy. She had left the shutters open; the floor near her window was wet and cold. Paks looked at the beads of moisture with narrowed eyes; she didn’t want to move. She heard noises from the rest of the inn, footsteps and voices. Her legs hurt. Her shoulder ached. Something was poking a hole in her side. That finally moved her—that hard lumpy something which seemed to be underneath a rib no matter how she squirmed. In one rush she threw back the blanket and staggered to her feet. Her boots skidded on the wet floor as she reached for the shutters.
The remains of her clothes hung on the fine chainmail like dead leaves on a shapely branch. Only her leather tunic was whole, though scarred by the net as if it had been touched by flame. She ripped the rags free, glad she had worn her old clothes for that trip, rather than the new ones. She slid out of the mail, noticing as she did a lumpy pocket in her tunic. Arvid’s present. She reached into it and pulled out a handful of fire.
After a moment, she could see what it really was. A string—several strings, interconnected—of fiery jewels, some white and some blue. It poured through her hand like sunlit waterdrops. The clasp was gold. She stared, openmouthed, then tucked it quickly away. When she opened the door, she nearly fell over Suli, who was curled up asleep outside.
“It won’t work,” said Paks firmly. She avoided Suli’s eyes, tracing a design on the table with one finger. “It won’t work because I’m not what you hoped for—and it’s not as easy as you think.”
“I know it’s not,” said Suli. “I know—I saw Ambros die—it was terrible!” Paks shot a glance at her; the girl’s face was solemn. “I still want it—even though I know—and I don’t see why you won’t—”
“You don’t know!” Paks lowered her voice after that. “Suli, if you think that was bad—one man dead, and quickly dead—you don’t know anything.” She thought of Effa’s broken back, of Captain Ferrault at Dwarfwatch. “You think because you’ve survived a couple of fights—difficult fights, yes, I’ll grant you—that you’re ready—”
“Just to be your squire,” pleaded Suli. “I know I couldn’t earn my way yet, as a soldier. But you could teach me—”
“I don’t know enough myself. No, don’t argue. I know what a private in the Duke’s Company knows, and a little more. You think it’s a lot—that’s because you don’t know—” Paks broke off, shaking her head. Would this have convinced her, the year she left home? Would anything convince Suli, now glaring at the table? She could feel that stubborn resolution as if it were a flame. She tried again. “Suli, I do think you can be a good soldier. You are strong, fast, and fairly skilled. More skilled than I was when I left home. I’m not trying to keep you from becoming a fighter. If you don’t want to join a mercenary company, try one of the guards’ units. Or ask Marshal Cedfer about training in the Fellowship. But all I can teach is fighting skills, and I’m finding out how much more I need. Why, when I first came, I’d never stayed in an inn before—”
“That’s why I don’t want to join a company,” said Suli. “Staying all together, never on my own. I already know how to live on my own—and I can help you with that.”
“You fight too much,” Paks said. She had heard that from Mal and the others. Suli blushed. Paks went on. “My old sergeant said soldiers were fools to get in brawls. Most folk don’t like soldiers anyway, and you get a reputation for causing trouble, they’re glad enough to see you in the lockup or sold to slavers.”
“We don’t have any slavers here,” muttered Suli.
“No, but you’ve got a lockup.” Paks drained her mug. “Look, Suli, that’s beside the point. It’s not you. It’s me. I’m not ready to take on someone to train. I was looking for more training for myself. If I were just adventuring, it’d be different, but I’m not. I want—”
“But I’ll never have another chance,” Suli burst out. “Nobody pays any attention—I’m just a crazy girl, that’s what they think. I thought you would help—you’re a woman, after all—and I’ll never get out of this place if you don’t—”
Paks slapped the table. “That’s just what I’ve been telling you, Suli. How to get out and get the training you need. But you don’t want to do it the right way. You want it to come all at once. I can see it in your eyes—you look at my sword, and my mail, and that big horse, and see yourself. What you don’t see is the years in between, the years it took me to get all that. And there’s no other way. Yes, I was lucky—I got some of it by a lucky chance. But the experience, the fighting skill, no. That came from years of just what you say you don’t want—daily drill, daily work, battles that you call dull. That’s what gave me the skill to take a chance when it came. You can’t just leap from being a village girl with a knack for swordplay to—” she paused, uncertain how she would describe herself honestly.