"I noticed I was running out of air at that point, that I badly needed to take a breath, but that still didn't worry me. The worst that could happen was that I could die, right? All I was doing was trying. I didn't even think about how long I'd been under the water. So I pushed myself through the window. As I did that I felt some pain in my hip and in my leg but it wasn't bad, it was distant. Once I was free, I just let myself float up to the top.
"When I broke the surface and took the first breath of air, everything changed. I saw the stars outside, I saw the cab driver pulling himself onto the shore while other cars had stopped and people were starting to run over to the edge of the lake. I tasted the air as it went into my lungs and that was when I realized that I was still alive and that I could stay alive."
She looked meaningfully at me. "That's when it came home to me how precious life was and how close I'd just come to losing it. That's when all the pain hit me and I realized that it wasn't over yet, that I could still drown. Only then, I didn't want to drown, I didn't want to die. Pain went shooting through my whole body, centered on my right side from my face to my feet. It was agony Bill, absolute agony. I started to sink in the water and my face went under. I sucked in a bunch of water before I could force my head back up and started coughing. The coughing made the pain worse.
"I started flailing around in the water, really panicking now and then I noticed the cab was not completely under water. The back wheels were sticking up. I grabbed hold of one and held on as tight as I could. I've never hugged a tire like that before. I tried to put my feet down on the bottom and stand up but as soon as they touched, pain went shooting through my leg and my hips. Horrible pain. So I just held on and let my feet float. I coughed some more, thinking I still had water in my throat and a bunch of blood came shooting out. That's when I realized that I couldn't breathe very well. Every breath was hurting in my chest and it didn't feel like I was getting enough air. I also noticed blood dripping from my head down into the water. I was hurt bad. I started to wonder if I was going to die from the injuries.
"Through all of this nobody on shore noticed me. There must've been sixty people gathered at that point but they were all gathered around the fucking cab driver, may he rot in hell. He'd collapsed on the embankment and some people had pulled him up. They were all fawning over him, asking him a bunch of questions, and nobody was seeing me down in the water because I was on the other side of the cab hanging onto the tire. I tried to scream at them but as soon as I sucked in breath to try it made my chest hurt and made me cough up more blood. Meanwhile it was getting harder and harder to breathe.
"I was out there for almost five minutes and things were starting to get kinda gray and fuzzy. I was thinking that I was going to die anyway, just lose consciousness and slip into the water. It was like one of those dreams where you're trapped and in trouble and trying to call for help but nobody can hear you. You ever have those?"
"Yes." I nodded, surprised. They were a common stress dream for me though I wasn't aware that Tracy, or anyone else for that matter, had them too.
"I would've thought that it WAS a dream except for the pain and the trouble breathing," she went on. "Finally a cop car showed up. The cop waded through all the people and looked at the cab driver for a minute. Then he shined his flashlight on the cab, probably just to see it, and his light caught my face. The next thing I know he was splashing into the water and coming after me. He asked me how I was but I couldn't even talk by then, I was concentrating everything just on getting in the next breath. So he dragged me to the shore.
"He tried to pull me up the embankment but that hurt so bad that I DID manage a scream. So he decided to leave me down there. He stayed with me until the firemen put me on a backboard and pulled me up. A paramedic cut off all my clothes and stuck an IV in my arm. I was hurting so bad and was so scared that I wasn't even embarrassed to be lying naked in front of all those people. They gave me some oxygen and that helped a little, but not much.
"While they'd been working on me I heard a helicopter land and felt a bunch of dust and shit blow over me. A few minutes later a nurse in a jumpsuit came over and looked at me for a few minutes. She told me she was going to make it easier to breathe and then she jabbed a needle right into my chest."
"A chest decompression," I said. "I've done a couple of those."
"Whatever it was, it hurt like hell," Tracy told me. "But there was this pop in my chest and I heard a bunch of air come hissing out and all of a sudden I could breathe again. It made the pain from the needle worthwhile. So anyway, the next thing I know a bunch of firemen picked me up and put me into the helicopter. A few minutes after that we took off.
"What I told the cop was the first thing I remember was actually the point that things got kind of fuzzy on me. Everything is jumbled after that. I knew I was hurt bad but I didn't feel like I was going to die anymore. The clarity went away. I barely remember landing and being taken out of the helicopter. I remember all kinds of doctors and nurses poking and probing me, jabbing needles into me, and I definitely remember someone sticking their goddam finger up my ass. What the hell do they do that for?"
I smiled a little, sensing the old Tracy returning a little. "If you have an orifice," I told her, "they're gonna stick something in it. They leave no hole un-probed."
"Assholes," she mumbled. "So when they got done with the poking and probing and all that, they gave me something in my IV. Everything got really hazy after that. I have a vague memory of a doctor cutting into my chest and sticking a tube in there. I remember it hurt but that's the only clear thing until I woke up the next day and you and Mom and Dad were there."
We sat in silence for a minute, her words hanging in the air. She took another sip out of her water and then handed it back to me to set down on the table.
"So do you hate me?" Tracy asked finally. "I wouldn't be surprised if you did."
"Hate you?" I asked. "Why would I hate you?"
"Because of the way I treated you, the way I was thinking about you. I was being a bitch Bill. A total, unthinking, unfeeling bitch."
"I could never hate you Tracy," I said gently. "And I'm sure that what you were feeling was a natural tendency considering what you were going through."
"A natural tendency?" she asked.
"Well, I don't believe that there have never been any extensive psychological studies on the effects of having a family member return from the future to let you know that you have a death sentence from fate hanging over you. The target group is probably rather small. But I can understand the need to blame someone, something for what was happening. It's human nature and fate is not an easy target to discharge your frustration upon. I came back and told you something that profoundly affected your life. It's only natural that you wanted to punish the messenger for the bad news. I understand, I really do."
"You're not just saying that?" She asked, another tear trailing down her face.
"Of course not," I said, standing and giving her another hug. "I'm glad you're still alive, ecstatic about it. Remember, my number one goal since the day of my return has been to keep you alive. That was all that ever really counted." I shook my head angrily. "I didn't realize how close it had been until you told me your story just now. Christ Tracy, I should have warned you. I'd seen some signs that fate was still at work and I didn't even equate that with you."