She nodded softly. "Good." She said. "I like Mike."
There was a long silence. Just as she started to turn her head back to her notebook I whispered, "I miss you."
She looked at my face for a second, her eyes still blank. Without saying anything she turned her attention back to her notebook. She said nothing.
"Nina?" I said.
She ignored me. Before I could try again the bell rang and the teacher called the class to order. He then began the day's lecture on the Principals of Chemistry.
All day I dreaded what I had to do when I got from school. When I finally arrived home my mind tried to find excuses to delay or even postpone the task at hand. There was homework to be done, housework to be done, deep thoughts to think, bodily functions to take care of. The rational part of me rejected these excuses one by one and finally I put my coat back on and headed out the door.
A short walk brought me to Anita's house. I made my way to her front door, almost left again, and finally, employing my willpower, I pushed her doorbell.
She was very pleased at my unexpected arrival. It showed in her face as she swung open the door. She was dressed in a pair of baggy sweat pants and a T-shirt. It was obvious that she had no bra on beneath.
"Hi Billy." She beamed, standing aside to allow me entry. "Come on in. What a pleasant surprise."
Her children were sitting at the dining room table working on some learning books. An array of crayons and construction paper was spread out before them. They looked up, greeted me briefly, and then went back to what they were doing. Anita, once the door was closed, leaned forward and gave me a kiss on the mouth, probing outward with her tongue for just the briefest instant. She made a point to rub her unencumbered breasts against my chest.
"Anita." I hissed. "Your kids are right here!"
"Oh you." She slapped at me playfully, breaking the embrace. "They're going to have to get used to us eventually anyway aren't they?"
"Uh…" I started.
"So what brings you over here today?" She asked me teasingly. "Need another shower?"
"No." I shook my head quickly, banishing the image of dumping oil all over her before it could give me an erection. As I mentioned before, my mind may have been in my thirties but my body was firmly entrenched in my teens. Testosterone was surging through my veins and calmly assuring another part of my body that it wouldn't really hurt to just take a quick shower with her before we had our talk. Just to mellow everyone out a little.
"Oh," Anita nodded knowingly. "You want to get dirty first. Give me a minute to set up a movie for the kids. That'll keep them distracted longer."
"Anita," I said, "That's not why I came over here. I need to talk to you about something."
Perhaps catching the tone of my voice, she gave me a wary look. "What do you want to talk about?" She asked carefully.
"Can we sit down somewhere?" I asked her. "Somewhere private?" And somewhere without a lot of sharp objects, I did not add.
"Sure." She said. "Let's go to the bedroom."
I nodded. "Okay."
We went into her room and I grabbed a chair near her dresser. She gave me another concerned look as I did this. She sat down on the edge of the bed.
"What's wrong Billy?" She asked me.
I breathed deeply and slowly let it out. "Anita," I told her. "I don't know how to tell you this but it needs to be said."
"Tell me what?"
"I suppose the best way is to just come out and say it." I said, looking at her face. "We need to end our relationship with each other."
"End…" She whispered, staring at me. Finally she gave a nervous giggle. "Billy, don't joke about things like that. It's not very…"
"Anita, I'm not joking." I told her. "We have to stop seeing each other."
"You're not joking?" She asked softly.
"No." I shook my head. "I'm not."
She began to wring her hands together. "I don't understand Billy." She told me. "Why would you say something like that? We're perfect together. We have a good thing going."
"That's just it Anita." I explained. "We DON'T have a good thing going and we're NOT perfect together. I'm sixteen years old and you're twenty-eight. I'm a teenager in high school and you're a full-grown woman with kids."
"That doesn't matter!" She protested. "As long as two people love each other…"
"Anita." I interrupted gently. "I don't love you that way."
She stared at me for a second, the wounded expression on her face striking directly at my heart. God, how I hated doing this. "But you do." She told me. "You do love me."
"No." I said, shaking my head. "I don't. And I don't think you love me that way either."
"How can you say that?" She asked, raising her voice for the first time. Her eyes were now beginning to leak a little moisture down her cheeks. "After all we've done together, after all we've shared? How can you say that?"
"I'm sorry Anita." I told her. "I'm sorry for what I'm telling you now and I'm sorry that I ever initiated our relationship in the first place. I shouldn't have done that."
"Yes!" She yelled. "You should have! What we have together is beautiful! You're not going to let a little age difference keep us apart are you? Billy, we're meant for each other!"
"No." I said firmly, raising my voice a little. "That's just it. We're NOT meant for each other. I'm a kid in high school Anita. I should be dating girls my own age. You should be dating men your own age. While I've been having a relationship with you, you haven't been dating anyone or gone out anywhere. I'm screwing up your life Anita. And it has to stop. Both of us need to move on."
"You're not screwing up my life!" She protested. "Is that what you're worried about? You've improved my life. I used be so lonely Bill and then I found you. You're everything I want. Just because you're younger than me…"
"Anita," I interrupted. "I AM screwing up your life. I never intended for what we had to be a permanent relationship. I was stupid and thought that there were no consequences to what you and I were doing. I figured, hey, here's a cool older woman for me to screw and she's willing to do it again and again. But there are consequences Anita, there are. More than I imagined, more than you can imagine. We have to move on now, get back on track, don't you see that?"
"No." She told me. "You ARE the track that I want to be on. I DO want a permanent relationship with you."
I sighed, not relishing what I had to say next. "But I don't want a permanent relationship with you." I said.
More tears came down. "How can you say that?" She repeated.
"Because it's true." I said. "I don't love you. I'm sorry to have to say that and I know I'm an asshole. I entered into this thing without considering there might be emotional involvement. If I would have known that I never would have started anything. I'm ashamed of myself, deeply ashamed that I took advantage of your loneliness, ashamed that I didn't see this sooner. I'm an asshole Anita and I admit that freely. I'm trying to get better, trying not to be an asshole anymore. I don't like being an asshole. But before I can do that I have to be even more of an asshole and put an end to our relationship. Now, today."
She stood up and began to pace nervously, continuing to wring her hands. She chewed on her lip for a moment. "So you're saying that you want to see other people?" She asked. "To date others for a while to help strengthen the relationship?"
"No Anita." I said. "That is not what I'm saying. I have been dating other people the entire time we've been seeing each other. There is nothing in this relationship to strengthen. I started it only for sex, don't you see that? And sex was all I ever wanted. I'm sorry. My behavior was horrid, worse than horrid. I had no right to do any of that, but unfortunately I did. I'm trying to change now and I can no longer continue to take advantage of you. We have to stop."