A nurse came in a few minutes later, gave my wound a cursory examination, and then told me what I already knew; that I was going to need some stitches. She told me the doctor would be in as soon as he could to do that. "Anything we can get you?" She then asked, "Some water or a blanket or something."
"I'm fine for NOW." I told her.
She left the room, slipping between the flaps of the yellow curtain. I knew that she would be telling Nina, the ER tech, to set up a suture kit in my room. It was part of Nina's job and she certainly would not be able to refuse to do it.
Sure enough, Nina pushed back through the curtain less than five minutes later, carrying one of the sterile suture kits, the sort of kits I assembled all the time in central supply at the trauma center, in her hands. She kept her eyes off of me as she walked over to the stainless steel wheeled stand next to my bed and set the kit down.
"Nina." I told her as she opened the un-sterile outer seal and folded it back. "I'm miserable without you. I miss you terribly. More than I ever imagined I would. I was an asshole before but I'm trying to change, I really am."
She looked at me impassively. "Don't touch any of this stuff." She told me.
"It's sterile and if you put your hands on it you might get an infection."
She smiled. "We wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?"
"Nina," I started again. "Do you remember when you told me…"
"I have work to do Sir." She said shortly. "You won't be seeing me again." She turned and headed out the door.
I sighed. How much time did I have before the doctor came in to stitch me up? Not much I figured. I sat quietly at my bed until I saw a nurse pass by outside.
"Nurse?" I asked, making her stop in her tracks and peer questioningly in at me.
"Could I possibly have some water? I'm awfully thirsty."
"Sure." The nurse nodded. "Just a second." She disappeared again.
Sure enough, a minute or so passed and then Nina reappeared in my cubicle, this time carrying a plastic cup of water in her hands. She walked quickly over and held it out to me.
"Your water." She said.
I didn't take it. "Nina," I said. "You told me once you had feelings for me. Do you remember?"
"Do you want the water or not?" She said testily. "I have lots of work to do."
"Tracy tried to tell me that once." I said. "Remember the time she and Cindy got you high? She tried to tell me that night but I didn't listen. I should have listened. I should have told you the things I'm trying to tell you right now at that moment. But I didn't. I was an asshole, I was stupid, and I regret that with all of my heart now."
She stared at me for a moment as I recited this to her. She then set the water down on another tray and left the room again.
Was this doing any good? It seemed it wasn't. But I was committed. All I could do was keep trying.
"Nurse?" I asked the next time one passed by.
"Yes?"
"I'm kind of cold in here. Do you suppose I could have a blanket?"
"Why sure." She said, disappearing.
A minute later Nina entered the room yet again. This time she carried a blanket in her hands. Her eyes bored into me. "Your blanket." She said.
"Nina, what I'm trying to say," I said. "Was that I was wrong. I was wrong about everything. Since you've had your talk with me I haven't gone a day without thinking about what I screwed up with you. I miss our talks about books, about life, about everything. I miss being with you. I didn't realize how happy I was when I was with you; how good you made me feel, until it was gone. I NEED you Nina and I want you to come back to me. I'll accept any terms you want to offer. Anything. But please, come back to me.
Be with me again? You told me that you had feelings for me once. Are they completely gone? I realize now how deep my feelings are for you."
She was now chewing on her lip as she listened, the first break in her professional, neutral face. She still held the blanket in her hands. I sensed that she was about to throw the blanket at me and flee. It was time to lay down all the cards.
"Jesus Nina." I said. "I'm sitting here talking about 'feelings', just like you did that day. Why don't we cut the shit? You were right about me and you have absolutely no reason to believe what I say based on my past behavior, but I'm going to say it anyway. " I swallowed. "I love you Nina.
I love you deeply, intimately. You're all I can think about, you're all I want in this life. I waited too long to realize it, to say it, but it's the God's truth. I love you and I want you to be with me forever. I'll do anything you want me to in order to prove this to you but I love you. I LOVE you."
She stared at me, her lip quivering now. Suddenly she shook her head almost violently. "No." She said. "This has to stop. If you have feelings for me as you say then you'll leave me alone like I asked. Just leave me alone. Stop talking to me, stop thinking about me. I need to get you out of my life and keep you out of it."
"I'll do that if you do one thing for me." I said. "Just one little thing."
"What's that?"
"Look in my eyes and tell me you don't love me. If you can truly say that you don't love me, that you don't miss me, then I'll leave you alone forever."
She sighed, tossing the blanket on the foot of my gurney and wiping a tear that was forming in her eye. "I do love you Bill." She said. "If I didn't this would be a whole lot easier. I've loved you almost since the first time we started talking together. Don't you see that that is the problem? Love like that doesn't just die. You hurt me badly. You devastated me. You showed me how blind I could be about seeing certain things because of love. You showed me how much love could hurt me and how it could keep on hurting me long after I stopped talking to you.
"Don't you understand? I'm just now getting to the point where I can go for an hour or so without thinking about you. I'm just now starting to get you out of my system. And here you are telling me everything is all right and we should just go back to the way we were. I can't do that! I will not live through that hurt anymore."
"You won't have to Nina." I told her. "You won't have to. I'm not saying we should go back to the way things were. I want more with you now. I want to be with you always, don't you see? I am not the same person I was last month. I've changed. I will never hurt you that way again."
"Bill, if there's one thing I learned through all of this," She said, really crying now. "It's that love sucks. We weren't even going together, we never even kissed each other, and you were able to hurt me. How much more could you hurt me if we did start going together? How much more, Bill?"
"A lot more." I said honestly. "But I won't. I promise you that. I won't."
"How could I believe you? After all the girls you had, after all the girls you used and then tossed over your shoulders like a beer can, how could I ever trust you not to do that with me? What's going to happen when you get tired of me? How long will that take?"
"It'll take forever Nina." I said. "I will never get tired of you and I will never treat you the way I've treated other girls. When I was doing that I was being stupid and immature. I was being self-centered. But I've learned a few things. Getting your teeth kicked in by consequences does that for you. The most important thing I learned was how much you meant to me and how stupid I'd been to not see what you and I had together, to not seize it while I had the chance.
"I want one more chance Nina. Just one more. I've given you all the promises I can and you can take them for what they're worth. I can give you all the assurances I can and you can take them the same way. But what it comes down to is your choice. If you want me to, I'll walk away from you now and never enter your life again without permission. If you ask me to do that I will, and I'll be feeling the same hurt, the same guilt, the same feelings that you've felt, that you're feeling now.