His voice pulls me from my thoughts, turning the focus of conversation from him to me. “What about you, Rylee? You treat these kids like they’re your own. What’s going to happen when one day you meet Mr. Right and have kids of your own? How are you going to balance that?”
Even after two years, the pang that hits me still figuratively knocks me to my knees. I swallow purposely, trying to wash the acrid taste in my mouth his question brings. I pick at the corner of my napkin, watching my fingers rip tiny pieces off as I answer him. “I can’t … after the accident, I was told that getting pregnant, that the chance of having a child, is …” I shake my head sadly, “a very slim possibility. Like basically being on the pill for life. Most likely never going to happen.” Again. I lift my eyes to his, rocking my head subtly from side to side. “So it’s not something I put much thought into.”
I hear him hiss in a breath and can feel the pity roll off him. There is nothing worse than someone giving you that look. The pity look.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his green eyes burning an intense emerald as he studies me.
“It is what it is,” I shrug, not wanting to dwell on what can never be. “I’ve come to terms with it for the most part,” I lie, and in true Colton Donavan fashion I change the subject to something other than me. “So, Ace,” I wriggle my eyebrows, “You looked kind of hot in your race suit!”
He laughs charismatically at me, “Nice change of topic!”
“I learned from you,” I reply, sucking a crumb off of my thumb. When I look up, Colton is watching me draw my finger from my mouth. Intensity and desire mingle in the depths of his eyes as he studies me. The sexual tension between us mounts. Our draw to each other undeniable.
“Hot, huh?” he prompts, breaking our silent exchange.
I tilt my head and purse my lips as I study him back. “I wanted …” my voice is quiet, unsure, when I speak. The small smile playing at the corners of Colton’s lips gives me the surge of confidence I need to continue. Knowing he wants me. Knowing that he desires me and wants more of whatever this is, emboldens me. Empowers me to finish my thought. “I wanted you to take me right there on the hood of your car.” I can feel my cheeks flush as I look up at him through my eyelashes.
He takes in a sharp breath, his lips parting, eyes clouding with desire. “Why, Ms. Thomas,” he darts his tongue out to lick at his bottom lip, “we might just have to rectify that situation.”
“Rectify?” Desire blooms in my belly at the thought.
He leans in across the table, his face inches from mine. “It’s always been a fantasy of mine.”
I think he’s going to lean in and kiss me. My chin trembles in anticipation, synapses misfiring as I try to tell my brain to be the voice of reason here. To pull me back from the brink of Colton insanity. And then the alarm chime on my cell phone on the table between us goes off. It startles us both and we jump back. “Oh crap! I have a meeting I have to get to,” I tell him as I start gathering our trash and stuffing it inside my empty muffin bag.
Colton reaches out and grabs my hand, stopping my flurry of movement. He waits until my eyes meet his to speak. “This conversation isn’t over, Rylee. You keep sending me so many damned mixed messages that—”
“What?” I screech dumbfounded, trying to pull my hand back from his, but his grip holds my hand still. “What are you talking about? You’re the one sending mixed messages. Whispering sweet nothings one minute and then pushing me away the next!” Are we experiencing the same thing here? How am I being confusing?
“I swear to God,” he murmurs softly to himself releasing my hand as he leans back in his chair shaking his head, amusement on his face. I can barely make out his next words when he speaks. “We haven’t really even started this yet, and you’re already topping me from the bottom.” I can sense his exasperation as he runs a hand through his hair.
I look at him, unsure what exactly he means by his comment, but not really having the time to care or to ask him to expand on it. I stand up and Colton grabs my hand again, pulling me up against him so that I am forced to tilt my head up to see his face. He closes his eyes momentarily, as if he is resigning himself to something, before opening them again to lock onto mine. “I want you, Rylee. Any way I can have you.” His words create a vacuum of air, and I feel like I can’t breathe. We’re standing in a packed Starbucks with orders being called and people talking on cell phones and espresso machines steaming milk, but I hear none of it. I comprehend none of the outside noise. It is just Colton and me and his deafening words.
I swallow loudly trying to process them. The intentions. Unable to speak myself, time passes until I find my voice. “Any–any way you can have me?” I stutter breathlessly, eyes wide with optimism. “Does that mean that you’re willing to … to try more than an arrangement? Try to compromise with me?”
I feel his body tense with my words and when I see the look in his eyes, I realize I misunderstand what he’s saying. The possibilities that are running rampant in my head like lemmings suddenly take the leap off of the cliff to their inevitable death. My chest deflates and my hopes sputter when he speaks, unable to look me in the eyes. “That’s not what I meant, Rylee. All I know is how I operate. By my rules. They allow me that deep-seated desire for control that I so desperately need to be able to function. I have to have it on my terms.” I feel his body shift before bringing his eyes to mine. I glimpse an unexpected vulnerability in them. “Rylee, this is all I can give you. For now…Will you at least try my way? For me?”
For now? Try for me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? That there is the possibility of a future? I try to stop my mind from reading into that comment through the filter of my hopelessly romantic heart, but I’m having trouble separating the two. Colton’s proximity and the words he just dropped like bombs on my rationality leave me stuttering as I try to respond coherently. “I thought you told me this wouldn’t work. That we have two differing sets of needs. That you … I think your words were, that you’re going to break me apart?” My words may sound strong and decided, but I’m anything but that.
He grimaces when I throw his words back at him and hangs his head, his voice soft. “Yeah, I know. I can’t prevent the inevitable. But I still want you to try?”
Blinded by my feelings for him, I ignore his admission of foreshadowed hurt because my head is still wrapping itself around that word try. He’s asked me to try. Am I willing to do that? For him? For a chance at us? To hope for the opportunity to show him that it’s okay to want more. That he deserves more. My train of thought derails when Tawny’s words flitter through my mind. You’ll think you can change him and his ways. And just when that happens, you’ll be over quicker than that last lap he just took. I shake my head, trying to rid her words from my head.
“Don’t answer yet, Rylee.” Colton’s voice is a plea, mistaking the shake of my head as a denial to his request. “Have dinner with me first before you tell me no.” I step back from him, needing the distance despite knowing I’m already going to tell him yes. “I have to have at least one more night with you. I need to.” His eyes search mine for an answer. “I’ll pick you up at three o’clock tomorrow.”
Now I’m the lemming running toward the cliff.
I stare at him. Since when do I let anyone make decisions for me? “I can drive, Colton,” I say exasperated that once again he’s made the decision for me. If I’m willing to try for him, shouldn’t he try for me as well?