“Doctor, how nice to see you. I don’t like drinking alone but that’s what I’ve been doing. It certainly beats not drinking at all.”
“I was looking in on some of my old patients.”
“God’s little waiting rooms, all over the county.”
“I suppose so.”
“I’ve been doing much the same thing, and now I’m treating the pain. I always thought agricultural banking suited me. Times have changed. Now they call me the Grim Reaper.”
“It must hurt.”
“What about your old car? Did you ever get it clean?”
“I did. How are your ranchers? Some of them doing okay?”
“Very few. The ones that stayed away from machinery on credit. On the other hand, their backs are gone.”
“What’ll they do?” I had some of these people on my customer list too.
“In some cases they’ll face the fact that ranching doesn’t pay, take someone’s ten million for the spread, and move to Scottsdale. The rest just dry up and blow away.”
This was where her posture changed and she started sizing me up. “But for the moment anyway, we’re not so different from everyone else who’s got no place better to be.”
We ended up using her car because it had four-wheel drive and I could take it out into a CRP field no one ever visited. There were wires running all over the ground for a methane exploration project and I tried not to drive over them until I found the creek bed I knew from my hunting, followed it into a grove of junipers, and turned off the engine. I’m still surprised at how tenderly we made love. This sort of car-borne episode is associated in everyone’s minds with something feral, but it was as if we had met in ideal circumstances and this was the result of substantial courtship. Partly, it was the warm air and the smell of prairie flowers and the remnants of grain farming really sort of caressing us, and the odd light coming from the dashboard instruments was quite becoming to her flesh. It struck me as grown-up, knowledgeable sex — you might say respectful sex, unsentimental, detached from any larger context. I wished all need could be addressed so directly. We didn’t stare at each other with theatrical grimaces at the familiar crescendos but struggled around in a grateful knot, welcoming all the fluids as we went. When we were finished, Enid sat straight up, thrust her hands into her hair, and stared through the windshield in thought. Then she turned to me with a mischievous wordless look. We gathered our clothes and dressed under the stars as though at public baths, as though merely acquaintances, which of course we were. It had been such a big success that there was not the smallest chance we’d try it again.
* * *
I was not always comfortable seeing patients at the office, and so I’d find excuses to see them in their homes or to run into them in the street. One old patient, Frank Kelly, entertained me with tales of his youth while I examined him. We sat on his enclosed porch with its view of the west side of the Crazy Mountains while his wife puttered around behind us in the living room. He grew up near the Missouri Breaks, the son of a renowned cowboy and an Indian woman, in the years when the small ranches, theirs among them, were condemned to make way for the Fort Peck Reservoir, a federal project of the New Deal years. Some ranchers resisted, but accusations in local papers that they were unpatriotic soon had them moving off the land, barely recompensed. Frank always had stories of his family’s years adrift, usually a new one on each of my visits to keep me coming back. It worked. Today’s had to do with his father’s job riding cattle in a huge circle on one of the big ranches south of the dam near the town of Jordan, still vast and now empty. Frank was a very young boy when his father would take him out and leave him at an abandoned sod house, ride all day, then come back for him at nightfall. Frank described these as extremely boring, lonely days of rock throwing and daydreaming. One day while he was playing atop the old sod house, the roof collapsed and he descended into its interior in an avalanche of dry dirt. “When I landed inside, on my feet, I had an old buffalo rifle in my arms that had been hidden in the ceiling. I went into the navy in ’42 and the neighbors stole it.”
Since various and sundry had given me to think that I had some hand in poor Tessa’s departure, I began to brood about my instance of actual guilt, that of avenging the beaten wife who was my patient. Was I gloomy? Hardly. Perhaps I was simply entertaining this recollection as an exercise in irony. Of course that was not true. I had attended the funerals of this poor couple, and I remembered thinking that it was tragic for her life to end as it had but that my helping Junior make his way to the next world had given the family closure — as we now say — that they might not have otherwise had if he had been punished more conventionally. In this, too, I was delusional. There were, I suppose, even then, signs that the situation could get out of hand; the first sign was my desire, not felt in decades, to revisit the scene of the “crime” or crime. I listened to a retrospective of a favorite band as I drove along, getting into an admittedly inappropriate merry frame of mind. Listening to “Plastic Seat Sweat” and “Girl Fight” really got me bouncing in my seat, and when I arrived at the murder locale with “Too Much Pork for Just One Fork” on at the loudest setting, I found myself dancing beside the open car door as I tried to evoke guilt for the demise of that wicked husband. I was really on a tear, and it was only a matter of time before things went sideways. Actually, I did feel a little guilty, and I was sorry that it dampened my inclination to boogie in broad daylight. It quickly came back, though, as I remembered happy hours with the great Tessa and was overwhelmed by my own adrenaline. With “Too Much Pork for Just One Fork” booming from my car door, I began to do my own version of break dancing, spinning on the lawn with one hand while attempting to shout out a rhyme on “pork.” Presently the homeowner emerged from his front door, and it was as though his gaze slowly extracted Tessa from my arms. I felt a storm cloud arise in my chest. The owner was a small man somewhat older than me, wearing a cardigan sweater over a white T-shirt and laceless shoes serving as slippers. He turned a pitying gaze on me. “It can’t be that bad,” he said, and I could see Tessa — obnoxious, deluded, life-filled Tessa — receding into nothingness as she was replaced by Cody Worrell. I needed to explain myself.
“There was a double suicide here some years ago.”
“I’d heard.”
“I was the first on the scene. I hope the place has seen better days since.”
“It has. It’s been a happy house. I wouldn’t give it up for the world. We raised a boy and a girl here. They moved away, but they’re doing fine. They always call.”
“Oh, very nice.”
“On Sundays.”
“Ah, good, catch everyone in.”
“At exactly one o’clock.”
“Mm.”
My growing impatience with this levelheaded old man was instructive, and I drove home in silence, as nothing could have been more annoying at that moment than music. I wondered whether that family had emptied that house of any bad spirits; it seemed they had. I certainly never entertained the idea of myself as a murderer, at least not until recently when the idea was put into my head by people unfamiliar with the facts. If I had done wrong, would my instinct have been to dance on the lawn, to exult at the music pouring from the door of my Oldsmobile? I didn’t think so. Not if Tessa was who they had in mind.
John O. Danowicz, an old railroader, came to see me this morning at my office. I gave him several goings-over each year under the terms of his pension. He was almost eighty years old and showing a bit of dementia, that awkward stage at which one is uncomfortably aware of these troubling changes. I suppose we could have tested him for Alzheimer’s, but I didn’t think it necessary as he was so well adjusted and living at home with his old wife. He was a thin, immaculate man with the big hands of a machinist, tidy and organized, and very interested in the operations of his body. He knew what his weight, blood pressure, heart rate, and lipids should be, having made his health his hobby. He played checkers with his wife and did crosswords, the latter having provided signs that his memory was failing. He felt that he had lived a very long time and looked forward to stealing as many days from mortality as possible. His philosophy had always interested me, as he saw himself the reification of an infinite number of chance events, starting with his parents’ meeting on a steamer in Puget Sound. His recurrent line—“I just want to see how far I can get”—intrigued me as proper to an adventurous spirit like John O. Danowicz. He would have made an encouraging centenarian, and I took his well-being most seriously.