But the vast majority of her was glad he did.
Brave Queen, she wanted him. In ways wholly different than she was used to. In ways that challenged her reasoning and her culture and the rules laid out by the Senatus. It felt okay to admit that now, standing there on a rainy porch in Hawaii with him staring expectantly at her. They’d each surrendered something. They’d each received something in return. They were going into tonight carrying a tenuous link of trust. It was something new for them, and like a bulky item of clothing she was unused to wearing, she was still shifting around in it, trying to get the fit right.
“When was the last time?” Under the sprinkle of rain his voice was as rich as coffee.
She blinked. “Sorry?”
As he quirked the tiniest of smiles, his expression turned soft and sublime. That was what she’d glimpsed in him years ago, that wonderful, brief moment when he’d told her he thought they should try to be together. She wanted more of that.
“The last time you slept in a bed,” he added.
A vision of crumpled hotel sheets, throw pillows kicked all over the floor, the bedspread stuffed somewhere in a corner, came to her with vivid clarity. “With you.”
A lift of those eyebrows. “Three years? And before that?”
“Never.”
“Never?”
“In my house, the one that Bane lives in now up on the bluff, I put in a hammock so I could sleep and feel the breeze all around me. When I lay in it I could see the whole Chimeran valley through the front door. I used to sneer down at the Common House, thankful I didn’t have to sleep on dirt and grass mats like them.” She ran her hand down the door jamb. “And then I was made to.”
He was still standing just inside the room, a hand on the doorknob, as she lingered out on the damp porch. Everything about him screamed an invitation to sex. It unnerved her, this role reversal. She should be the one beckoning him inside. She should be the one with the salacious glint in her eye. Shockingly, for the first time ever, she couldn’t deny enjoying being on the receiving end.
Griffin, the beautiful man, gave a gentle nod for her to enter. She did, and he softly shut the door behind her. The sound of the rain shifted from wet plops on wood to a light drum on the roof. The smell of cotton and cleaning disinfectant replaced that of the rain. Darkness enveloped them, the only light coming from the balcony sconces that shone through the lighter colored pattern pieces on the tropical-themed drapes. Yet she saw him—oh, how she saw him—standing there in the center of their rented, temporary world for however long they could keep it wrapped around themselves.
She would not think about what she didn’t or couldn’t have, but instead vowed to take joy in who and what she had with her now.
His hands were in his pockets, stretching the T-shirt across his flat abdomen. She went to him.
Not a lunge. Not a physical body throw. Not an attack. A careful, deliberate advancement.
She felt everything, listened to the song of every sensation. The rough nap of the throw rug beneath the soles of her feet. The steady pound of her heart. The pull of his stare as his eyes locked with hers, dark upon dark, matched in desire.
As she came to within inches of him, his body this incredible magnet to her senses, his absolute attention on her a sensual potion she was absorbing through her pores, nothing else existed in the whole world.
He removed his hands from his pockets, a soft shush of fabric.
She pressed him against the door. No, he was pulling her. It was impossible to tell. All she knew was that his hands—those things that wielded an element she’d been taught to hate, to fight—had closed around her waist, pulling up her tank top and sliding over her skin. All she knew was that their mouths were together again, and it was the slowest, softest, wettest kiss she’d ever experienced.
She’d never known that you could kiss like this. That the slower you did it, the more you wanted it. The more you wanted it, the deeper the need rooted in your system. And the deeper the need, the more desperate you felt to have him now. Only it was the holding back that made everything that much more brilliant.
All she could taste was Griffin. He invaded her, surrounded her, and she knew, without a doubt, that she’d been waiting for this moment, to find this level of connection. With anyone. It wasn’t something she could force with Chimeran-taught brash words or bold actions, or by opening her legs for whomever she desired back in the valley. This is what her soul had needed, and it had been waiting for Griffin.
And here he was. Touching her, pulling her into him with such exquisite, nearly painful gentleness.
Slipping her hands between their bodies, her palms rested on his chest. There was something about the cool, smooth cotton stretched over him, that delicate divider between her fingers and his skin, that made a starburst of longing explode in her mind. The force of it pressed thought and rationalization into the deepest recesses. Filled her only with the awareness of him and the various places they were connected.
Lips.
Hips.
Hands.
Hearts.
They’d never shared this kind of innocent, covered, slow touch. Why did it drive her this crazy when she’d already seen him naked, when she knew firsthand what beauty was underneath?
Time had never been in their favor, but now it seemed like they had forever. The clock and all the minutes and seconds in the world belonged to them. She’d bundle them inside her and keep them always, every single one of them packed with memories of their mouths together, the wet press of their tongues, and the low sounds that echoed the movement of their bodies.
Beneath her palms his pecs tightened, and she lost control of the tenderness of her touch. Her fingers curled, her ragged nails digging into the cotton, searching for the skin underneath but only getting his heat. His hands gripped her tighter, sliding down from her waist to her hips to her ass. He hiked her body harder against him, and she could feel his restraint, the way he was holding back, too.
She wanted to stretch this out, wanted to know every single molecule of him. She wanted to learn everything her heart hadn’t already felt. There was so much of it, she realized. So much she’d never opened herself up to. Because she’d never wanted to with anyone but him.
The realization made her shiver, and her skin pebbled. Such an alien feeling.
Griffin released her, his lips gently pulling away, his hands leaving her hips to skim lightly up her arms, trailing more gooseflesh in their wake. He was watching the path of his hands, his head tilted. “Am I doing that?” he murmured in wonder.
Pressing herself against him, she opened her mouth on the hard column of his throat, loving the way he sagged under her tongue. “Yes,” she whispered into his hot, hot skin. “It’s you.”
The vulnerability of that admission scared her, but that fear turned out to be a potent aphrodisiac.
His big, graceful arms folded around her, and even though they were nearly the same height she felt enclosed and cherished, but also his equal. They merely held each other, her breath fanning warmly across the skin below his ear, his clutch on her intensifying with every second, a vise whose pressure was most welcome. Then his head drew back, her hands automatically sliding around his short, soft hair that felt so lovely in her fingers, and they were kissing again.
A pure sweep of lips and tongues. A trembling of bodies.
He pushed off the door, walking her backward. He led like a dancer, and her body followed without thought or stumbling, as though she’d anticipated his movements and already knew the steps. As though her desire had conjured them in her head moments before and he was reading her mind.