I examined the treat’s attributes.
Enhanced Pet Biscuit.
So, it looks like a regular pet biscuit. It’s not.
Feed to your pet at your own risk. What’s the worst that can happen?
“Uh, what does it do?” I asked a second time.
“The effects vary,” he said. “Regular Biscuits feed pet-based classes for a full day. The pets find them delicious. They smell them, and they’ll just gobble them up. So make sure you only pull one out at a time. Enhanced treats have over 100 different possible effects. Half of them are good. The rest are… neutral… or decidedly bad. But if there’s a bad outcome, your pet won’t attack you if you feed them the treat while you’re in a safe zone. Your pet will be teleported outside to a random place within a square mile of here. If you feed it to her while you’re out on crawl, and she transforms into a toothed fleshbutcher, you’re pretty much fucked. So you should definitely do it now. Either that or save it to sell later. It’s worth a couple thousand gold.”
Shit. I’d been avoiding thinking about this until now, but what could I do? Donut was a damn cat. It wasn’t like she was a mastiff or anything, some sort of pet I could use as protection. Even if I could get her to follow me in the first place, she’d be more a liability than anything.
I felt an obligation to her. I was all she had left in the world. It wasn’t logical, I knew. But if I could sell this tiny little treat for a lot of money, I could buy some really useful items. Like shoes and pants.
I rolled the cat treat in my fingers. As awful as it was, it would be best to…
“Ow!” I cried as Donut leaped up and ate the treat right from my hand.
Splat! The moment the cat hit the ground, she was transformed into a wet mess of flesh. She splattered like a hunk of hairy, jellied water.
“Donut!” I cried. “What the hell happened to my cat?”
Waiting… Waiting… appeared over the quivering, shaggy mass.
“Hmm,” Mordecai said, coming forward to poke at the blob with his foot. It wiggled. “Transformation. Your creature is being changed somehow. It didn’t teleport away, so it’s not considered a negative result. Looks like we’ll have to wait. I’ve seen this before a few times. It won’t be long. Maybe five to ten minutes.”
6
As we waited for my mutant cat to emerge from her blob, I examined my other loot. The fingerless gloves went onto my hands. Of the two weapons, I liked the feel of the cudgel more than that of the poker, which felt like it would bend and break the moment I hit something with it. I examined the cudgel’s properties. The game show host AI described it using a caveman voice.
Toad Cudgel
Big stick for bonking. Bonk toad. Bonk mob. Bonk girlfriend and drag back to cave by hair.
I wondered if the metal pot was still out there. It’d be better than this bullshit.
I placed my hand on the symbol branded onto my jacket. An infobox popped up.
Goblin Pass.
It’s a tattoo! On your forearm! Now you’ll never get a good job!
Note: Pass tattoos cannot be hidden unless you purchase a coverup sleeve. Will show through any armor you may wear.
Removes automatic goblin hostility. Allows for free passage through goblin-controlled territory in the dungeon. Warning: holding a Goblin Pass will cause natural goblin enemies, such as fairy-class creatures, to deal 20% more damage against you. Still, it looks kinda badass.
I grumbled that the system didn’t give me a choice. It just burned it right onto me. I didn’t have any tattoos, and I’d never really wanted one. Most everyone I knew had plenty, but I’d never liked the idea. My old man had been covered in them, and it wasn’t ever something I associated with being cool.
The black, leathery, and hooded nightgaunt cloak weighed almost nothing. It appeared to be made from the wing of some sort of demon creature. The skin was stretched between rows of long, body-length fingerbones. When I put the hood up, I noticed it had pointed ear things on either side.
Enchanted Nightgaunt Cloak of Stoutness.
The wearer of this cloak gains +4 to Constitution and becomes resistant to poison and ice-based attacks. In addition, the cloak adds Anti-Piercing resistance to all worn armor. It also makes you look like a dollar store Batman. Warning: if a Nightgaunt spies you wearing this, they probably won’t be too happy with you.
“This is an extremely valuable cloak,” Mordecai said. “But the shirt is better. Much better.”
Enchanted Trollskin Shirt of Pummeling.
The wearer of this shirt gains +7 to the Regeneration skill. In addition, all melee-based damage debuffs such as Stun, Knockback, Disarm, and Out-of-Breath are negated. The shirt is also quite stylish. Maybe a little too stylish. Unlike most monster-skin apparel items, this shirt will not grant a negative reaction amongst trolls. In fact, lady trolls might just want to haul you away for some one-on-one time if they see you in this.
“That shirt is one of the best under-armor garments for tanking,” Mordecai said. “A level-seven regeneration skill means you’re back to full health pretty quickly after taking damage. In as little as two minutes. Finding it was a lucky break. This is something that would be in a Platinum or Legendary box.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” I said. I pulled off my jacket and slipped the short-sleeved shirt on. It felt cool to the touch and form-fitted to my skin. A couple notifications appeared. I put the leather jacket back on and then added the cloak. I felt a quick rush of power course through me as my constitution rose from five to nine.
New achievement! Loot!
You’re wearing something you found in the dungeon.
Reward: You’re now a handsome son of a bitch. That’s reward enough.
New achievement! Oooh, Magic!
You’re wearing magical gear for the first time! You’re a wizard, Crawler!
Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Adventurer Box!
The box contained another torch and a pair of healing potions, leaving me with a total of six. I still didn’t have any pants. Or shoes. I was wearing a jacket, a cloak, and boxers. I shook my head. I examined the last item, the toe ring.
Enchanted Toe Ring of the Splatter Skunk.
Imbues wearer with +3 Strength and gives +3 to the skill Powerful Strike. Also, it’s a toe ring. It’s probably uncomfortable and it makes you look like one of those hippie assholes who sit around in a field juggling and hula-hooping all day.
“Powerful strike is a good skill,” Mordecai said. “Each level multiplies your damage when you’re not wielding a weapon. So at level three, each kick or punch does three times the damage it normally would. With your Unarmed Combat skill and the Pugilism skill, your fists already do much more damage than either of those weapons. You might want to consider a monk class, which will enhance that further.”
“So, I could be like a ninja?” I said. I sat down and slipped the toe ring on. It adjusted itself, sliding easily onto my filthy, bloody index toe on my right foot. Like the description warned, it was uncomfortable. I’d never been a jewelry guy. I hopped up and down, trying to get used to it. I felt my strength rise by 50%.
“And just like that, you’re almost as strong as any human who has ever lived,” Mordecai said.
I received another snarky achievement for putting on jewelry, but no reward.
I started to fiddle around within my skills menu. Despite the heavy filtering, there was a lot of information in there. There was literally a skill for everything. The menu had a search box. I typed in Frogger, just to see what would happen. Growing up, my old man had an original, stand up Frogger video game machine from an arcade. I had spent hours and hours playing the game when I was stuffed in the basement. My mom locked me in there a lot. Whenever my dad had his friends over, they’d smoke and drink and get loud, and my mom didn’t want them “being a bad influence” on me. So instead I stayed downstairs with no television or internet and that damn machine.