“So, what are you saying? That you’re not a crazy, stuck-up, asshole princess?”
“Oh, I am a princess, Carl. But I’ll try not to be too much of an asshole. I need you. And you need me, okay? Look, I’m really scared here. I don’t want to be alone. And I know you, and you don’t want to be alone, either. I saw you the other day, looking at the map on your computer, and then at those apartments on Craigslist.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, but I knew exactly what she meant.
“There was that day when the passes were clear. You could’ve taken me back to Miss Beatrice’s parents, but you didn’t want to. You were looking at apartments, making sure they allowed cats. You were thinking about catnapping me.”
I just looked at her. It’s exactly what I had been doing, but I hadn’t even admitted it to myself.
“It wouldn’t have worked, by the way. Her dad would’ve gotten me back right away.”
I sighed. That was true, too. Bea’s dad was a lawyer out of Yakima.
“Okay,” I said. “Let’s keep moving.” We kept travelling. The minimap showed the cardinal directions, and we headed east. I kept an eye out for any special rooms or other dots.
“Yeah, anyway, I’m not wearing pants because you decided to jump out the window,” I said after a few minutes of us traveling in silence. That reminded me, and I felt in my pocket. Yes! A pack of Marlboro Reds. I still had half a pack left. I still had my Zippo. I’d also received a lighter from that goblin box, so now I had two. I had the urge to pull the pack out right then, but I knew I probably wouldn’t get any more cigarettes ever again. I had to conserve them.
“If I hadn’t jumped out the window, we’d both be dead right now.”
“Why did you jump, anyway?”
“Stop,” Donut hissed. “There’s something down there.”
We’d passed by multiple conjunctions and alleys. Everything in this maze was featureless so far. I saw no signs of life whatsoever. We stopped now by a thin alleyway, similar to the one that had hidden the goblin dozer. It was completely pitch black in there. On my map, the alley led down to another conjunction, then several more tributaries. The map only revealed so much of the area, so I couldn’t see past there.
There were no red dots or anything like that. Not that I could see.
“What is it?”
Donut leaped up off the ground and landed on my shoulder. I suppressed an oof. She wasn’t nearly as heavy as she used to be when she did that. Then I remembered my strength was much higher than before. She curled her long, fluffy tail around my neck and glared. A low growl escaped her throat.
“What? What do you see?”
Thwump! Thwump!
Two bolts shot out of Donut’s eyes, one after another. They were like laser blasts from a sci-fi movie. I was so surprised that I almost fell backward. Instead, I just stumbled a little. I remembered she had that Magic Missile spell.
The first bolt hit the rocky wall of the alley, sending bits of rock and smoke showering. The second was better aimed and traveled the length of the tunnel before splashing against something that howled with pain. It was too far away for me to see what it was, but the moment the missile hit it, a red dot appeared on my map.
“Okay, there it is. Go get it,” Donut said.
“Yeah, maybe next time wait until we know what it is before we start randomly shooting at it. What if that’d been a person?”
The creature made a deep rumble that was half bleat, half roar and started galloping down the alley toward us. Whatever it was, it was big.
“That’s quite obviously not a person, Carl,” Donut said.
Shit, shit, shit. The thing was really booking it now.
“Shoot another missile!” I said
A third magic missile shot forth from Donut, this one hitting it directly in the chest. The creature staggered and cried out in pain, obviously hurt. But it kept coming. In the moment it was lit up by the pulse blast, I could distinctly see what it was. I got a good enough view for the info box to pop up.
Bad Llama. Level 3.
It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade.
You won’t want to get hit by their spit.
“Goddamnit, Donut!” I cried, jumping back from the alleyway entrance.
A red, baseball-sized ball of spit blasted out of the hallway and splattered across the floor. It sizzled where it hit, and the stones of the rocky floor turned crimson.
Lava. The llama was shooting lava out of its mouth.
I balled my fists. Mordecai had said my punches were more powerful than either of the weapons I had, but the idea of fighting a fucking llama with my bare hands was ridiculous. I had the fingerless gloves I’d received in a loot box, but they offered no armor protection.
“You’re gonna have to shoot it again!” I said.
“I can’t!” Donut said. “I’m out of mana!”
“Didn’t you get a mana potion?” I cried as the llama emerged.
The damn llama was even bigger than I expected. It was as large as a horse. The creature had giant yellow buck teeth. It turned its scorched and tan-colored head to glare at me. One of its eyes had been blown off by the missile. Black and red ichor poured down the side of its face. It had the debuff Septic pulsing over its head. The powerful debuff was similar to poison. It worked faster, but it couldn’t be stacked, and unlike poison, it could be healed with a simple healing spell or potion.
The llama’s health was already about 3/4's gone. Donut howled and leaped off my shoulder as the llama reared back to spit again. The thing’s neck glowed red.
I hit it with an uppercut and a left hook right in the face. I felt bones crunch. My left hand exploded in pain, and I didn’t know if the crunching bones were in the llama’s face, in my hand, or both. Probably both.
It grunted with surprise and unleashed its gob of spit just as his head turned away from me. I felt the heat of the lava ball sail over my shoulder. I stepped in and punched it again. A right jab directly in its glowing throat.
The creature dropped like a sack of hammers. It tried to cry out, but nothing but gurgling came out. I jumped back as the fur and skin around its neck erupted in red flames.
I had ruptured whatever the hell was in its throat that made the lava.
The llama continued to gurgle and make pitiful sounds as its health plummeted. A moment later, it was dead.
The lava around its throat started to rapidly cool, filling the hallway with an acrid, sulfur-like stench.
My left hand was broken. It throbbed in pain, but thanks to my regeneration ability, it was already knitting itself. I pulled up my health menu and looked at the pie chart. I could zoom in on that specific injury, and it gave me a detailed explanation on everything that was happening.
My regeneration skill did a triage of my injuries, healing the most important items first. It was just my left hand along with some abrasions on my right hand. I could adjust the menu and give healing priority to other parts too. After a minute, I was good as new.
“I dealt 71% of the damage,” Donut said, “It’s telling me I get to pick loot first.”
The corpse blinked, and an info box popped up.
Lootable Corpse. Bad Llama. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Grand Champion Best in Dungeon Princess Donut with an assist by Crawler Royal Bodyguard Carl.
Poor Llama skin.
Uncooked Llama steaks X2.
Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.
The skin disappeared from the inventory menu along with one of the steaks. The corpse’s skin disappeared, leaving just a gross pile of muscle.