“There’s a lot of level one and two cockroaches in there. Lots and lots of them. But there’s other stuff in there, and I can’t tell what it is. It looks like piles of garbage. It smells like that bag you take with you on those days that other guy comes over to the apartment. You know, like socks. But hundreds of them. I don’t see anything else. Light a torch and throw it in there.”
“Wait, what?” I said. “Are you talking about my gym bag? Some guy was coming over to the apartment when I was at the gym?”
“Focus, Carl. Light a torch.”
“Actually,” I said, “I have a better idea.”
I couldn’t believe it. Actually, I could believe it. It was my own fault. I should have broken up with her long ago. I felt like an idiot. I also suddenly felt very reckless.
“Get ready to run,” I said as I pulled out the stick of goblin dynamite. The red stick was wet and sticky on the outside, like it was sweating. I examined its properties.
The game show voice whispered the description:
Goblin Dynamite.
This stuff is especially volatile. It’s so volatile, you probably don’t even need to light the wick to set it off. It’s so volatile, even loud noises might set it off. Keep it in your inventory until you’re ready to use it. Be gentle and don’t squeeze too hard or else you might get the…
The AI didn’t speak for a good two seconds.
BOOM!
The AI shouted that last word in my head, and I almost pissed myself. I stood still for several moments, my heart thrashing.
“You are a fucking asshole,” I whispered up at the air.
“Okay,” I whispered to Donut. “Run now. I’m right behind you.”
Donut scampered away as I carefully pulled my Zippo. I lit the long wick, which started hissing and popping like a sparkler. I tossed the dynamite into the room, throwing it as hard as I could. I turned, and I ran.
I prayed it wouldn’t blow when it hit the ground.
11
It blew when it hit the ground.
I’d chucked the dynamite a pretty good distance into the large room, but I was only a few steps away from the door when it went off. Bam! The sudden, resounding concussion sent me flying. I hit the stone floor and bounced, sliding. The wooden door splintered, and a jagged hunk of wood ricocheted off my head. Stinking, billowing smoke poured through the entrance. Blood seeped from a cut deep in my scalp.
My vision flashed red, and I received a DANGER LOW HEALTH warning. But it quickly abated.
Behind me, I could hear the crackling of fire. I groaned, rolling onto my back as my health slowly kicked its way back up. I felt as if I’d been run over by that goblin bulldozer thing.
Donut appeared above me, looking down.
“Are you dead?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “I don’t think so.”
“Then you better get up. Let’s go see what we just killed.”
I pulled myself up. Mordecai had said I’d be fully healed in two minutes, but two minutes was a long time when you were in pain. I had over a dozen healing potions now, but I didn’t want to waste one just yet. Not when I didn’t have to.
The room glowed red. I pulled a torch from my inventory. I went to grab my lighter, but a box appeared above the torch, asking if I wanted to activate it. Weird. It was different than the dynamite. I mentally clicked Yes, and the torch lit on its own. A half-hour timer appeared and then faded as the bright, dancing flames engulfed the top half of the stick.
I paused at the entrance, peering inside. The room looked as if it was the interior of a dumpster. Mountains of trash rose to the ceiling. Multiple small fires burned, giving it a pulsating, red glow. I tossed the torch in, and the room lit up further.
I spied multiple bug pieces scattered about. My map populated with about three dozen x’s indicating bug corpses. I didn’t see any movement and red dots. I’d also received a ton of notifications, but they were all in the folder.
“I think we killed them all. Do you see anything?”
“Nope,” Donut said, strolling into the room. She stopped a couple steps in, looking distastefully at her paw. She’d stepped on something that looked like a dirty diaper. “The only thing that smells worse than trash is burning trash. You made a real mess of this place.”
I followed her in. Donut jumped to my shoulder and immediately began licking her paw. I pulled up the notifications as we cautiously moved deeper into the room. The ceiling was higher than out in the hall, almost as tall as the main corridor. Piles of garbage filled the room, stacked at least 15 feet tall. A black garbage bag was ripped open at my feet, and I could see fast food wrappers, soggy Spanish-language magazines, and empty cans within.
Why would they transfer garbage into here?
I stepped gingerly as to not cut my feet, but I already felt as if my feet were changing, becoming less sensitive to the bare ground. Before, I knew this would be pure agony. It was still uncomfortable, but it was getting better. And it was happening much more quickly than it would have before all this happened.
I’d received several skill upgrades just from that one move. Explosive handling. Dangerous Explosive Handling. Goblin Explosives. In addition, I’d received another Silver Goblin Box for killing more than 10 mobs with an explosive and a Gold Crowd Control Box for killing more than 15 mobs with the same attack. I’d received a huge experience bonus for that, taking me almost up to level six.
I had one more notification, an achievement. I clicked on it.
“Do you hear music?” Donut asked, pausing her cleaning to look up at the ceiling.
New achievement! Boss Babe.
You have struck a blow against a dungeon boss and caused damage to it. Here’s a fun fact. For crawlers who make it through the tutorial, this achievement is, by far, most often the last achievement they ever receive. Isn’t that interesting?
Reward: Let’s wait a few minutes before we decide on whether or not to waste a prize on you.
Shing!
The door, which moments before had been blown to bits, magically reformed itself, locking us in the room. And just to hammer the matter home, silvery, glowing bars of metal appeared, locking it in place one by one with a clink, clink, clink. Three, skull-headed torches appeared, arising from the garbage heaps.
At the far end of the room, something rustled. Something big.
Music started playing, the sound filling the room. It was odd, intense, disjointed. It was like a harp playing with distortion with a heavy beat under it.
The ground rumbled as the announcement came.
Boss Battle!
You have discovered the lair of a Neighborhood Boss!
Put your game faces on ladies and gentlemen! Aaaand Here. We. Go!
The AI was louder than usual. He sounded like an announcer at a Monster Truck rally. Normally, I was only really hearing this stuff in my head. This time it was through an actual loudspeaker. It echoed, shaking the walls and the piles of garbage.
“Carl! Carl, I don’t like this! Take me from here immediately!” Donut cried. She jumped from my shoulder and started scratching at the door, which would not open. “Carl, open the door this instant!”
I pushed myself against the back wall, waiting for the monster to emerge.
“Donut, get ready!” I cried. “Just start pumping it with magic missiles. Use your mana potions to refill yourself!”
Donut turned and panic-fired a missile, which bounced ineffectively against the sifting garbage pile.
“Wait until we see what it is first!”
The garbage exploded upward in a geyser of scorched trash bags. Bug parts and paper and food wrappers rained. A woman appeared, reaching into the air, screaming as she rocketed up like she’d been shot out of a cannon. She landed with a heavy crash twenty meters in front of us.