“Look,” I said, “the real reason we’re here is because we’ve only found one set of stairs down, but there’s a problem.”
Mordecai’s eyes widened as I told him about the others and the borough boss.
“The solution is simple,” he said. “Skip the boss and keep searching for another set of stairs. They’re out there, and most aren’t guarded.”
“We drove for a day straight before we found this one,” I said. “I’m really worried this is our only chance. Do you know what type of monster that is? Do you have any tips?”
“If I did know what it was, I wouldn’t be allowed to tell you. I have a very specific, rigorous set of rules I must follow, especially when it comes to bosses. Come back here after the fight, and I’ll happily sit down with you and analyze the battle and tell you all the boss’s stats. But if I tell you about the boss ahead of time, it’s considered cheating. You don’t want to be caught cheating. I can tell you that it’s madness to face a borough boss with only six crawlers.”
I sighed. All of this talk about future levels and choosing a race and class was a waste of time. None of that was going to matter if we didn’t manage to make it past the first damn floor.
“Is there anything you can tell me?”
Mordecai thought for a moment. “Tell me, what does that Juicer boss have in common with that bad llama mob you fought earlier?”
I shrugged. “They’re both drug addicts?”
“No, not that. How did you kill the llama?”
“I throat punched him, and it made his head melt off.”
Mordecai nodded. “And the Juicer? What attack, do you suppose, took him down?”
“It was a combination of several things, but probably when Donut bit his neck and tapped directly into his blood stream.” I laughed as Donut glowered at me. She still looked as if she’d tried to reenact that final scene from Carrie.
“That’s exactly right,” Mordecai said. “Most of these creatures have a weakness. The throat for the llamas, the high-pressure vein for the boss. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it’s not. The Hoarder, for example. I can now tell you her weakness was the bugs coming out of her mouth. If you’d killed one before it had fully emerged, the next cockroach in line wouldn’t be able to get out. It would’ve choked and killed her.”
“I never really thought of it that way,” I said.
“Look for a vulnerability, and once you find it, exploit it. You haven’t yet walked into a boss battle completely blind like you say. There have been clues every time. There will always be clues. Look for them.”
There will always be clues. What did we know about this borough boss?
I thought about that as I sat down and examined my new achievements and boxes.
In addition to the boss box, it was mostly the standard stuff. My bare knuckle and other fighting skills all ticked up to six, including my Smush skill. My Iron Punch rose to five. I received random achievements for riding the chopper for more than five hours. Another for having killed more than a 100 wandering monsters in the maze. I’d received a Bronze Survivor’s Box for having less than 10% health when the boss died. I received five more of the Heal scrolls for that one, leaving us with 17 of them. Most of the other prizes were the standard bronze or silver adventurers boxes. Potions, bandages, biscuits. I did receive a random cowboy hat, which I tossed into my inventory.
I also was awarded an interesting achievement:
New achievement! Two Chicks at the Same Time.
You killed two mobs at once using only their own bodies against each other. On a brutality scale of Bambi to Martyrs, that is a solid Seven.
Reward: You’ve received a Gold Brawler Box!
I also received another Gold Looter box for storing more than 10 tons worth of crap in my storage.
The boss box contained a pile of ninja stars.
Enchanted Shuriken of Bloodlust (x100)
Small, low-damage throwing stars. These bad boys aren’t anything special upon first glance. They’re the same black stars you wannabe ninjas purchased at the knife shop and the swap meet when you were kids. The same throwing stars you’d drill into the drywall of your room until your mom caught you and took them away. And while these shuriken don’t have the ability to turn you into a ninja, nor do they have the capacity to make your mom stop drinking, they are enchanted with a Bloodlust enhancement. For every monster you damage with a shuriken from this set, the damage against that monster type rises by 8%.
I looked at Mordecai. “When it says the damage increases by 8%, does it mean 8% from the original amount, or 8% compounded? That’s a big deal after a while.”
“Huh, I don’t know,” Mordecai said. “Hang on.” His eyes went glossy as he presumably entered some sort of tutorial-guide-only help menu.
“Good news. It’s compounded,” he said after a minute. “So each hit will be 8% higher than the previous amount. The bad news is, the stars are very fragile.”
That sounded pretty awesome at first, but I suspected it wasn’t that great of an enchantment. It’d take a long time to power them up. I’d have to do a ton of throwing to make them worthwhile. I only had 100 of them. I’d have to collect them back each time. And if they broke a lot, then I might only get one chance to really use them.
The gold Looter Box contained yet another skill potion. It was once again a Determine Value skill tonic. I drank it, leveling the skill up to two. I couldn’t see a difference in the menu. I suspected I’d need three more before it became really useful.
The brawler box contained the best item of the lot. After my shirt and cloak, it was easily the greatest loot I’d won so far in the dungeon. It was exactly the type of weapon I’d been hoping for.
Enchanted War Gauntlet of the Exalted Grull. (Right-Handed)
+3 Strength (In Fist Mode Only)
+1 Dexterity
+ 2 Skill Levels to Iron Punch.
+ 1 Skill Level to Powerful Strike.
2% chance to Stun enemy upon a successful hit.
Item is a wrist bracer that transforms into a spiked war gauntlet made of orcish steel when the hand is shaped into a fist or wields a hilted weapon for more than two seconds at a time. This item on its own does not negate the bare knuckle skill bonus.
Warning: if you use this weapon to strike adherents of the war god Grull, you have a 1.5% chance to transfigure your target into the deity himself. Trust me on this. You don’t want to do that.
A bigger, redder, WARNING. Remove this item before you jerk off.
“Hey, Mordecai,” I said as I removed the chain and slipped the charcoal-colored bracer over my wrist. “How can I tell if someone worships Grull?”
He grunted. “Equine-class creatures worship him. So if it’s a horse or a centaur, or a tikbalang, then he might worship Grull. Creatures like that bad llama might also pray to him, but not until after the third floor. The biggest tell is that they smear blue makeup all over themselves and won’t stop talking about wenches and dying gloriously in battle.” Mordecai paused. He looked up nervously, as if not sure he should say this next part. “And, just so you know, Grull isn’t a real god. There are no real gods in this game.”
“Does that really make a difference?” I asked.
Mordecai was suddenly solemn, and I didn’t know why. He looked at me, intense. “You said you worry that some of these bosses and mobs are like you, here against their will.” He pointed downward, indicating the lower levels. “That’s not always going to be the case. Especially later on. Remember that. There are no gods here. Just those who pay for the privilege.”