But instead of the gate opening like last time, there was a flash of light and a moment of disorienting nausea, followed by a quick feeling of falling.
And then suddenly Donut and I were standing in a plush room staring at a strange, round door. All of my status bars had disappeared. I turned in a circle, bewildered. There was a couch that appeared to be made of blue crushed velvet. I stood upon a soft, thick carpet, also blue. There was a strange sense of motion to the room, and I immediately knew we were on a boat. I could tell right away from experience that this vessel was large, but not huge. Maybe 100 feet. At the far end of the room was a bar with an honest-to-goodness fruit basket sitting on it. Sitting next to the basket was a stemmed bowl filled with what seemed to be cat food. Instinctively, I made a fist, and my gauntlet appeared. Only partially relieved, I unsummoned my weapon.
“What the fuck is this?” I asked.
But the second the words came out of my mouth, I knew exactly what this was.
Donut was literally hopping up and down, her tail ramrod straight. “Carl, Carl! It’s happening! It’s really happening!”
Just as my addled brain was coming to terms with our sudden change of scenery, the door irised open. A woman wearing a simple black dress stepped in, clutching onto a tablet. She was human, but clearly not from Earth. She was absurdly thin. Not anorexic. She just seemed more squished than a regular human. She stood about five foot five, so a normal height, but her head was only about 3/4s as wide as it should be, making her appear almost elf-like, but without the prerequisite pointed ears. She seemed to be about my age, and her features were Asian, but with long, blonde hair she kept in a tight bun.
“Hello Carl and Your Majesty, Princess Donut,” she said, speaking in Syndicate Standard. Her voice was light and musical. Almost cartoonish. “My name is Lexis. I am an associate producer for the program, Dungeon Crawler After Hours with Odette. Congratulations on that last battle, and congratulations on making it down to the second floor. Odette would love to interview you two, on air, regarding your progress so far.”
Donut squealed with pleasure.
Part 2
28
“Okay,” Lexis said as I sat down on the couch, my head spinning. I was still covered in blood, and I suddenly felt very, very dirty. “We’ll be ready for you in about twenty minutes. Please relax and avail yourselves of the complimentary treats.” She indicated the bar. “Okay?”
“Okay,” Donut said.
I still couldn’t believe it. Actually, I could believe it. Five nights ago I’d gone to bed, and everything I’d been worried about was so stupid, so petty, so… small. We were about to be interviewed on a program that would be seen by trillions of people.
“A couple of things,” Lexis continued, talking fast. “I know this is probably disorienting to you, being your first interview. Right now, you are standing in what is called a production trailer. It is located on the surface of your planet. You are still technically in the game even though you can’t use your menus. Like safe rooms, production trailers have their own rules, too many to discuss now.” She reached forward and touched my shoulder. She felt hollow, almost weightless. Like a bird. “I am really here right now with you. However, my engineer and I are the only other people here. When you walk through that door.” She pointed over her shoulder, indicating the oval-shaped entrance that opened and closed like a camera shutter, “you’re going to walk onto a studio set. From what I understand, this setup should be very familiar to your culture. This studio, including Odette and the entire audience is not really there. The couch is there, but everything else is virtual. They are filming from a location very far away. I’m supposed to tell you it is similar to the holodeck from your television series, Star Trek, however you won’t be able to touch anything. Any other guests, even fellow crawlers will also be holo, at least for this interview. You are the only crawlers in this particular production trailer. I will tell you when it’s time, and you will walk onto the set. You will wave, and you will proceed directly to the couch next to the desk, Your Majesty sitting closer to Odette. Do not approach the audience, or you will run into a wall that you can’t see. That room is not as big as it appears. Questions?”
I just stared at the woman. I hadn’t felt this out of my element since the moment the dungeon first opened.
“Makeup?” Donut asked.
“Not for this interview, Your Majesty,” Lexis said. “The audience will have just watched a highlights reel of your time in the dungeon followed by the entirety of that last boss fight. It will appear as if you walked straight from the fight to the stage.”
“Got it,” Donut said. “So we address her as Odette?”
“Correct.”
“Live or taped?”
“It’s taped, though it will be tunneled in just a few short hours.”
“What’s the tone of the show? Is it more editorial or more fluff? What works better with your audience? Do you want us to be serious and more technical, or should I just let Carl be Carl?”
Donut was asking these questions as if she’d been doing this her whole life.
A smile tugged at the corner of Lexis’s mouth. “This is a private production about the crawl. It won’t be censored. The more entertaining you are, the better it will play.”
“Got it,” Donut said.
“Hold up a second,” I said. “What do you mean by ‘private production’?”
Lexis turned to me. “The main program, Dungeon Crawler World: Earth is owned by the Syndicate Government, and this season it is produced by the Mu… The Borant Corporation. Syndicate rules allow for private production companies to produce their own programs as long as they pay for the production themselves and pay an advertising stipend. This particular show, Dungeon Crawler After Hours with Odette will tunnel immediately after the main program. It is produced by the Titan Conglomerate with production assistance by over a dozen participating, independent systems. It is the largest, most-tunneled private program in existence. The host, Odette, is the most-beloved interviewer and program host in the history of the galaxy. So try to make a good impression.”
“Wonderful,” I said, leaning back. “Just wonderful.”
Next to me, Donut was shaking with excitement. Literally shaking.
“Anything else we should know?” Donut asked.
“Nope,” Lexis said. “Just be yourselves, have fun with the questions, and you’ll be fine.”
“Thank you, Lexis,” Donut said. “That’ll be all.”
“Great,” Lexis said. She hit a button on her tablet, turned, and strode out of the room.
I looked at the cat sitting next to me, and I wondered, not for the first time, if this was all a dream. An hour and a half earlier I’d been certain I was about to die, and now I was aboard some sort of yacht from another planet, ready to be interviewed on an intergalactic talk show.
“Okay,” Donut said the moment Lexis left the room. She started to frantically clean herself. “Let me do all the talking unless Odette asks a question directly of you. I just can’t believe it. I am so excited!”
“Just, be careful, okay?” I said. I stood, moving toward the odd door. It did not open on its own. There were no windows, but there was a small door by the bar. I pushed it open, revealing a bathroom with a litterbox. Above the toilet was a round porthole about the size of a dinner plate. I stood upon the toilet, straining on my tiptoes to peer outside. It was dark, and I couldn’t see a thing except the glint of the moon off relatively-calm water. Stars shone in night sky. I felt an unexpected longing at the sight of the stars. I put my hand against the window to see if I could push it open. Whatever this was, it wasn’t glass. There didn’t appear to be a way of escape. I wondered what would happen if I formed my gauntlet and punched the window as hard as I could.