“Now, let me ask you something,” Odette said. She turned and leaned in. Her massive breasts barely sloshed over, as if she had some sort of accordion system connecting her chest with the boobs. “So you might not realize this, but we’ve been watching you two from the beginning. You might not be getting any love on the official program, but you two are quite the sensation. We are so excited to have you on the show tonight. But something that people want to know is about your title, Princess Donut. So you are earth royalty?”
No. No, no, no, I thought. Don’t.
“Why yes I am, Odette,” Donut said. “Now, you have to understand, Earth has a ruling class. The humans.” She glanced sideways at the crowd and lifted her paw. “Thumbs. It’s all about the thumbs.” The crowd laughed. “But amongst cats, which is what I am, we have what’s called an elective monarchy. But it’s really just a beauty contest. My full name is ‘GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk.’ I wouldn’t think of boring you guys with all of my titles.” She leaned toward the audience and stage whispered, “GC stands for Grand Champion.”
I realized I was staring at Donut as if she’d just sprouted a corndog from her forehead. I had to consciously make an effort to close my mouth. An elective monarchy? Where the hell did that come from? Who was this cat, and what had she done with Donut?
Odette nodded. I could not read any sort of expression on her bug face. “And you’ve won this beauty contest?”
Donut flipped her tail, and I swear to god the cat fucking winked. She looked right into the middle of the crowd and asked, her voice seductive. “What do you think?”
The crowd roared.
“I love it. You two are so adorable. I’m so happy to have you here with us.” Her bug gaze focused on me.
Ah shit.
“So, Carl, before you came on, I promised my audience I’d get you to say it.”
I looked at her blankly.
“Say what?” I asked.
“You know,” Odette said. She waved her hand as if she was trying to coax it out of me. “Your catchphrase.”
This is not real life. This can’t be real life. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Odette turned toward the audience. “He doesn’t know what I’m talking about.” She laughed. They laughed. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a hint.”
A screen appeared, floating in midair in front of me. It was me and Donut, from above. It was a scene from early on. We were peering into an alleyway, and a moment later I leaped back as a blob of lava rocketed out toward us. I screamed, “Goddamnit Donut!” The scene changed. I was being attacked by a pair of cockroaches while Donut watched from a pile of garbage. “Goddamnit Donut!” I screamed. The scenes kept changing, over and over, each time ending with me saying the same thing. I’d said it at least fifteen times.
Odette cocked her head at me. “Figure it out yet?”
I sighed inwardly, doing my best not to let my dismay show. “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said.
Boisterous cheers followed.
“Now let’s go back to one of those clips we just watched,” Odette said. “I was hoping to get some insights from you guys.”
“Of course,” Donut said.
That scene with the cockroaches reappeared. I heard my voice call out, “A little help here!”
It was the final moments of our battle with the Hoarder. My stomach dropped, watching that scene from above. The camera focused on my own face. I was stricken with how scared I looked. The blasting music from the fight was gone. The giant woman was gagging and sobbing, and the visceral sounds shook my bones.
“She’s almost dead. You can kill them when you kill her!” Donut cried on the video.
The clip ended, and the audience was screaming with laughter.
“Now, Carl,” Odette said. Her breasts made a slight sloshing noise on the desk. “What’re you thinking here, when Donut wasn’t helping you?”
“It happened so fast,” I said. “I wasn’t thinking anything.”
“And you, Donut? You saw him there, surrounded. You’re stronger than him.” Odette waved her hand, and our stats appeared floating in the air over us. “Wow. A lot stronger than him.”
“Yet here we are,” Donut said. “Carl handled it like the champion he is. And besides, darling. If he was in real trouble, I would’ve certainly helped. Like I did with that juicy boss we faced.” She looked at me. “What was his name? Juicy? Juiced? The Juice? Now that was a fight, wasn’t it?”
The crowd roared their approval.
We talked for about five more minutes. Odette would ask a question about something that happened. Donut would answer. She had the crowd eating out of her paws. Odette asked me about my pants. They showed Donut asking if there was a reward for worst-dressed in the dungeon, and it showed me standing there, looking pitiful in my knee pads. The words WORST DRESSED appeared floating over me. I pretended to laugh.
“So, what’s next for you two? Do you intend on staying with team Meadow Lark?” Odette asked.
“That’s the plan for now,” Donut said. “It depends on what we find on the next floor.” She flicked her tail a few times. “But I want to tell you something, Odette.” She stood on the chair, facing the audience. “I promise all of you. You guys are going to want to follow me and Carl. You’re going to want to favorite us. Because whatever it is we face, we’re not just going to kill them.”
“No?” Odette asked, amused.
“Oh no. We are going to kill them big. We are going to kill them with style.”
Thirty seconds later, and the audience was still screaming.
Odette had to shout over her own crowd. “We are out of time, but thank you so much Carl and Her Royal Majesty Princess Donut! Good luck to you two! I will see you all next time!”
The throng continued to go berserk. She’d stolen that line from Mordecai. “Kill them with style? Really?” I whispered.
But Donut didn’t answer. She hadn’t heard me. She stood on the edge of the pillow, standing like that damn lion from the Lion King, her chest heaving with pride as she looked back into the holographic mass of adoring fans. Her eyes sparkled. I suddenly had a feeling of dread. That look. That hunger. That was dangerous. She’d had but a single taste, but I could already tell. She was addicted to this. To the crowd. To the cheers. It was going to be a problem.
“Goddamnit, Donut,” I muttered.
29
The lights of the studio flipped all the way on, and the audience snapped away. The studio remained, but the bleachers were just gone. Odette remained behind the desk.
“Great show everyone,” Odette said, looking up at the ceiling. There wasn’t anybody else in the room that I could see. She looked over our shoulders. “Give us five, Plexis. Watch the packets and ping me if one of those AIs sticks their nose in here. I want to talk to our guests for a minute without anybody snooping.”
I turned to see Lexis standing at the door that led back into the green room. “Yes, ma’am,” Lexis said, backing into the other room. The door closed.
Odette looked down at Donut. “I do that, too. Pretend to not really remember someone’s name. You should see them preen when I suddenly do remember. You, Donut, are a natural. Great job. We had that Lucia Mar and her two mongrels on stage before you, and that little psychopath does not know how to work a crowd. One of her dogs mauled my producer. It’s a nightmare. God, I gotta get out of this thing. Give me a moment.”
I watched in horror as the alien reached up and removed her own head. But it wasn’t a head after all. The praying mantis skull was actually a helmet. It pulled away to reveal a human woman, approximately sixty years old. Her eyes were just a little wide for her face to pass as someone from earth. A moment later, the woman’s crab body skittered back, and the chest with the enormous breasts remained attached to the desk. Her whole torso peeled away, revealing a dark shirt. She wore a necklace with a heart on it. If it weren’t for the crab body and the eyes, she’d look like any other human.