New achievement! Battlefield Construction!
You built a structure and deployed it in battle. And your mother thought you were wasting your life away while you spent all those hours eating Doritos and playing Minecraft. If only she could see you now. Too bad she’s probably dead.
Reward: You’ve received a Silver Mechanic’s Box!
For this next one, the AI once again used his sexy voice. I cringed.
New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market!
Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy.
Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Shoe Box.
“What the fuck, dude,” I muttered at the ceiling. I shuddered. I eyed Donut, who was already opening her boxes. I wasn’t going to tell her about this one. Still, a platinum box? That almost made it worth it. Almost. I couldn’t wait to see what was in the “random” loot box.
A few more achievements popped up, all concerning us defeating the boss. Killing a borough boss. Killing a borough boss with a mixed group. Killing a borough boss in under 10 minutes. Killing a borough boss with more than 10 minions. None of the achievements offered any good loot except the silver boss box. After that, there was only one achievement left:
New achievement! You found stairs!
You have found a stairwell down to the next floor. They say the cream rises to the top. So what does that say about you?
Reward: This barely qualifies as an achievement. Your reward is that you’re alive to read this.
Next, I moved to loot boxes. The items appeared one by one, rapidly appearing and disappearing into my virtual bag. I went into my inventory, selected the New tab, and inspected the items one at a time.
The asshole box bestowed five gold pieces and three little pieces of paper. Drink Ticket (X3) – Desperado Club. When I examined the little red paper, all it said was Redeem at the Desperado Club for a free “drink.” I stared dubiously at the quotation marks around “drink.”
The silver mechanics box contained a really interesting item. A tool. I pulled it out of my inventory and examined it. It looked like a silver, oversized lollipop with a button on the handle.
The Goo-Inator 3000.
This is a shaping tool. May only be used at a workbench. Assists in shaping materials into something else. You might want to keep the business end away from your face.
That sounded pretty cool, but I wouldn’t be able to use it until I bought a personal space, which I couldn’t do until the fourth floor. For now it would have to sit in my inventory and wait.
Next up was the prize from the silver boss box. I’d received 100 gold coins and a potion.
Cheat Code Potion
Warning: This item has a short shelf life.
This item will expire shortly after it was generated. In other words, this isn’t something you can hoard. Don’t be a wuss. Drink it now.
Causes one, recently-used combat or magic-themed skill to increase by three. Choice is random and permanent.
A red, flashing timer appeared at the bottom of the description. It was down to 17 minutes and counting. Shit. I added it to my hotlist and drank.
I felt a crackling sensation in my mouth, like I’d just downed a whole packet of Pop Rocks.
Your Pugilism Skill has been increased by 3! Your Pugilism Skill is now level 10.
Damn. I had a pile of bonuses now, all relating to unarmed combat. With the combination of my Iron Punch and Powerful Strike skills, plus my unarmed combat bonus and my pugilism skill, my fists packed just as much damage as Brandon’s lightning maul. I knew the skill levels would come more slowly now, but I could probably punch a steel beam and put a dent in it.
At the same time, I knew my progress wasn’t anything special. Not compared to some of the others from the last recap episode. That Lucia Mar kid was completely decked out in magical gear. She had an obvious dexterity bonus. The kid was running on walls and doing flips and shit already, splattering monsters with her mace. The crossbow woman with the Valkyrie helmet was also crazy strong, likely twice as powerful as me. I’d watched in awe as she picked up a bear-sized, slobbering tentacle monster and threw it into the air, shooting it twice with her repeating crossbow before it exploded.
They were giving us these incredible upgrades, but I also knew the monsters were going to keep pace with our progress. And while I felt overpowered, a part of me feared I was actually falling behind.
I had one last item to examine. “Goddamnit,” I muttered under my breath. I pulled it into my hand and examined its properties. It was a little black folder with a zipper. I zipped it open, revealing multiple, miniature tools.
Enchanted Pedicure Kit of the Sylph.
This kit contains 12 essential items for proper foot care.
The magical enhancements of this item may only be imbued within a Safe or Personal Space.
Warning: All of these enhancements require you to remain barefoot.
Why? Because you know why.
From a pumice stone to a cuticle pusher, this personal hygiene kit will keep your feet both luscious and in perfect fighting shape. Nightly care of your feet and toenails will result in the following bonuses:
+15% Damage to bare-foot attacks for 30 hours.
+3 to the Smush skill for 30 hours.
+Unbreakable buff (feet only) for 30 hours. This buff keeps your pretty little metatarsals nice and unbroken.
+Celestially Nimble and Tidy buff (feet only) for 30 hours. Not only will your tootsies look nice, bright, and shiny, but any traps set off by footfalls will now prompt an alarm and have a 5-second delay before being triggered.
I sighed. That very last buff was a great prize. Other than the goblin dozer, we hadn’t dealt with any traps yet. Mordecai had mentioned them, but I didn’t know when they would start showing up. We were going to need more than just a five-second warning, but this was better than nothing.
I looked at the kit dubiously before shoving it back into the inventory. I had no idea what most of those little metal items did. Would I have to use all of them to turn the enhancements on? How long would it take? Beatrice could literally spend hours in the bathroom poking, prodding, and plucking at herself. Donut usually sat on the counter in the bathroom with her, meowing for attention. Which meant Donut had watched her do it a number of times. I was going to have to ask the cat if she knew how to use the items. Shit.
I watched as Donut trotted over to the mailbox, leap so she was standing on top of it, and then sit down as the front of the box opened up on its own. A tome floated out and hovered before her. It vanished as she added it to her inventory.
“What the hell was that?” I asked.
She poofed her chest out. “Thanks to that boss box, I am now a member of the Dungeon Book of the Floor Club. I get one spellbook per level, which is mailed to me.”
“What? Really? That’s way better than what I received. What book did you get?”
Instead of answering me, her body flashed with light. She’d read the book, giving herself the spell.
“Ew,” she said after a moment. “What an awful spell. We really need to save these book things instead of wasting them.”
“Goddamnit, Do…” I caught myself. “You know this. You have to read the description before applying it to yourself. What is the spell? What does it do?”