“So,” Odette had said after we watched the scene and the audience’s uproarious laughter eased. “You are likely unaware of this, but Death Watch Extreme Dungeon Mayhem announced earlier that it was going into hiatus while the show restructured.”
“I’m shocked,” Donut said. “Quite shocked.”
The audience laughed.
“King Rust of the Skull Empire, who recently arrived in earth orbit, has been oddly quiet about the controversy. A spokesperson for the royal family has requested people stop referring to the prince as ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie,’” The audience roared, “But so far, nobody seems to be complying.” Odette turned to her audience. With her bug helmet, her face was expressionless, but I could hear the grin in her voice. “I would personally like to assure King Rust that I would never call Prince Maestro ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie’ or ‘Pork Boy.’ And I would like to encourage my audience to never sink to that level. Again, it’s ‘Prince Maestro’ and not,” she held her hands out.
“Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie!” the audience shouted, followed by peals of laughter.
“Anyway,” Odette said. “What do you think about this, Carl?”
“Look,” I said. “I don’t know anything about the Skull Clan or Empire or whatever, or this king guy. I’m sure he has a perfectly nice family and kingdom.” The audience laughed. “I don’t want any trouble with him and his people. But his son is a dick, and I called him out on it. Nothing more, and nothing less. I didn’t mean to cause an intergalactic incident. I know nothing about the video.”
“So, to be clear, it is a snick,” Odette asked. “A lot of people seem to believe it’s real.”
“If I was going to turn gay, it wouldn’t be with that guy.”
The audience screamed. Odette nodded. “But you did challenge him to single combat.”
“Yes, I did. And that offer still stands,” I said. “I still don’t know how any of this stuff works because you guys won’t tell me anything.” More laughter. “But I hope for the chance to face him one on one.”
“We do too, don’t we?” Odette said.
The audience cheered. Someone shouted, “Glurp, glurp!” A minute later the whole audience was glurping.
Odette shook her head in mock disgust.
The show soon ended after that. Like last time, Odette ushered Lexis out of the room so we could talk for a few minutes.
“Is it worth it,” I asked, indicating the pet. “If he lives, I mean.”
“You should’ve picked the Tummy Acher,” Odette said. “The little round guy with the mohawk. They’re very friendly and easy to work with. Plus they’re rare, and people love them. Once they’re full grown, they are one of the best melee tanks in the game. But your Mongo is a solid choice. If you can keep him alive, he will be a vicious fighter.”
“So,” I said. “I gave your message to Mordecai. He wasn’t too pleased with the idea of working for you.”
She nodded sadly. “I saw. I watched you tell him. He had a few additional choice words for me after you left. He’ll come around. Tell him I understand his feelings on the matter, and I would love for the opportunity to explain myself.”
“What happened between you two?” I asked.
“We don’t have time to go into it,” Odette said. “But the short answer is I pushed him too hard, and he paid dearly for it. Anyway, you’re about to hit the all-important third floor.” She’d asked me on air if I knew what I was going to do, and I’d answered truthfully. I had no idea what was going to happen. Donut had lied and said she had it all planned out. “Do you really not know what you’re going to do?”
“I don’t even know what my choices are going to be,” I said. “How can I decide?”
She nodded. “When I decided to stay human, it lost me several viewers, but not too many. You’re in a tough position. Whatever you choose, make sure it has either a pathfinder skill or some sort of advanced mapping ability. Finding stairwells as quickly as possible will be crucial on further floors. It’s not going to be a problem on this third floor. Also,” she added. “Make sure Donut goes first. That way you can tailor your class selection on hers. I would ignore the AI’s advice for your race, but I’d take a careful look at whatever it suggests for your class.”
“Hey,” I said. “Do you know anything about the Valtay Corporation?”
She paused, cocking her head to the side. “Where did you hear about them?”
I shrugged. “Just curious. I heard it somewhere.”
She smiled, but without humor. “Be careful. If they are somehow contacting you or trying to get to you, be very cautious. They’re a corporate system government, and they’re the ones who currently have an entire fleet parked outside of the Borant system, ready to collect on the debt. They were hours away from initiating a full-scale collection action when the kua-tin stopped them in their tracks by starting the season early. They’re one of the most powerful entities in the universe. The next season is going to be run by them.”
“Are they human?” I asked. I thought of Agatha. Was she one of these aliens? The idea seemed absurd.
“No,” she said. “Not usually. They’re a parasitic lifeform. They do utilize human bodies, but their home world is aquatic, and they much prefer water-based hosts, such as the kua-tin or the gleeners. They’re known for their technological advancements. Their version of Dungeon Crawler World is less goblins and trolls and more android death machines and pulse rifles.
I contemplated telling her about Agatha, but I decided against it. I decided it would be best to just stay away from the woman the best I could.
Mongo pounced and chomped directly onto Donut’s tail. She howled and started running in circles with Mongo still attached.
Odette shook her head. “You’re gonna want to level that thing up as soon as you can. But make sure Donut has proper control over him first. Those little nibbles and nose chomps are cute now. They won’t be so adorable when he’s full-grown.”
“Do you know how big he gets?”
“You honestly don’t know what he is?” Odette asked. “He’s a pretty common creature across the universe. They always seed the human worlds with those guys and the others before the humans develop. Most human kids love these things.”
“He’s a dinosaur of some sort. I know that much.”
“He’s a dinosaur all right. Mongoliensis.” Her eyes flashed, in a similar way that Mordecai’s did when he was searching through his menus. “Ahh, I see,” she said after a moment. “The issue is the translation. ‘Mongoliensis’ is based off the scientific name. Your language had a more common name for those things.”
The little chicken jumped up on Donut’s back and squawked.
“You called them velociraptors.”
I returned my gaze to the little monster. I’d been thrown off by the pink feathers and the beak. But now that she said it, I could see the monstrosity Mongo would soon become.
“I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”
“Oh hell,” I finally said.
She laughed.
Donut came up to us, breathless. “Carl, is it time to go yet?”
“There’s one last piece of advice I’d like to give,” Odette said, looking at the both of us. She paused, as if uncertain about what she was about to say. She’d changed on a dime, suddenly looking different, almost sad. “It’s just a suggestion. I don’t know if, morally, this is a good idea or not, but this will greatly increase your chances of survival. It’s something to look for during class selection. It’s generally only offered to crawlers with a high charisma, so if it’s available, it’ll be hidden somewhere amongst Donut’s choices. The problem is, if you pick it, it’s going to make someone very angry.”
It’s Over, Yo
New Achievement! You read a book!
You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall!