Raven bit back the retort on her lips-that her misery would have nothing to do with being repudiated by the elite society she’d always aspired to. That she realized how little their acceptance meant to her now. Instead she changed the subject, expressing concern over how her grandfather would deal with her absence.
Halford, much to her surprise, called on Raven when he heard the news. His manner toward her was far more congenial than in past interviews. He still hadn’t completely forgiven her for jilting him, but Emma was providing him consolation.
“I can never wed her, given what I owe to my title, but she is a comfort to me,” Halford said with unexpected cheerfulness. He regarded Raven with a wistful smile. “Strange how events have turned out.”
“Yes, strange indeed,” Raven murmured, preferring not to reflect on regrets or might-have-beens.
Her letter to Kell was the hardest to compose, and she saved it for last. In it, she expressed sorrow for his loss of his brother and regret for ever involving Kell in her life. And she clearly stated her wish for a divorce. She posted the letter two days before she was due to depart. By the time he received it in Ireland, Raven knew, she would have sailed.
Her final two days were spent packing and settling final details. Her maid, Nan, had chosen to accompany her to the Caribbean, so she would have companionship on the long voyage. Her biggest concern was for her horses, but Halford offered to take them into his most excellent stables so Raven could rest easy.
Otherwise she concentrated on keeping herself too busy to feel or dwell on the grief that was throbbing inside her like a wound.
It touched her that the Lasseter servants seemed as if they would genuinely miss her. And surprisingly, quite a number of her friends called on her to say farewell.
On Tuesday evening she dined with Brynn and Lucian at their London residence and returned to a quiet house. There was nothing more for her to do. The Wycliffs planned to see her off on her voyage tomorrow. Her trunks had already been conveyed to the docks, and she would board in the afternoon and sail with the evening tide.
She would have liked to say good-bye to Dare, but he was evidently still away from town, for she’d received no word from him.
She prepared for bed that night with an aching heart. When she lay down to sleep, though, she forced herself to shut her eyes and ignore her tormenting thoughts of Kell.
On the morrow she would turn her back on England, where she had known such happiness and heartbreak. She would put the past behind her and embark on her new life. And she would do her damnedest to forget Kell Lasseter-if she only could.
He came to her that night, her fantasy lover. Naked, he stretched out beside her on the bed, his hand slowly sweeping her body, stroking, cupping her breast.
When she flinched at his touch, though, he rose above her, staring down with hot intensity. Questions filled his dark eyes, then pain as he realized the truth. He wasn’t welcome.
She turned away without speaking.
“So this is good-bye?” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “You are sending me away?”
“I’m sorry.”
His hand cradled her cheek, turning her face back to his. His fingertips brushed her lips with heartrending gentleness. “Your sorrow is not for me. You have no need of me any longer. You need him. You love him.”
“Yes, heaven help me. I love him.”
“But you cannot have him. Or his love.”
“No.” She lowered her head, meaning to bury her face against his hard chest, but gave a start as she met only empty air. He had faded away.
She squeezed her eyes shut. The longing inside her was like a knife blade, sharp, searing, unbearable. She could only hope that someday, in time, the pain would fade to a distant memory and become as illusionary as her imaginary lover.
Chapter Twenty-two
“Are you certain this is what you really want?” Brynn asked as she said farewell to Raven at the dock.
Because of Brynn’s advanced state of pregnancy, Lucian had not allowed his wife to board the ship, so the two women were saying their good-byes in the privacy of the Wycliff carriage.
No, I’m not certain, Raven wanted to answer. The closer she came to departing, the harder her stomach churned with misgivings. Was she making a mistake by leaving England?
“You don’t think you should wait a while longer?” Brynn added quietly. “Wouldn’t Kell wish to know of your plans?”
Raven shook her head. Her plans would matter little to him. There would be no point in delaying. She couldn’t imagine that Kell would ever come to forgive her, that he could come to love her the way she did him. Nor could she bear to see the pain and accusation in his eyes. He blamed her for his brother’s death, and that was just too enormous a barrier for love to overcome. And her leaving would make it easier for Kell to dissolve their marriage.
“It will be less painful this way for both of us,” she said at last.
Brynn put her arms around Raven, hugging her close. “I shall miss you dreadfully.”
“And I you,” Raven replied, feeling the tears starting to come.
Determinedly she brushed them away and gathered her reticule. “You must promise to write me frequently, and to let me know at once when the baby is born, whether it is a son or a daughter.”
With a serene smile, Brynn pressed her hand over her swelling abdomen. “It is a son; I have no doubt.”
Forcibly swallowing a pang of envy for her friend’s happiness, Raven stepped down from the carriage, where Lucian awaited her.
“Ready?” he asked, offering his arm.
“Yes,” she lied.
He escorted her to the tall, three-masted schooner and assisted her on board. She had already toured the schooner under the captain’s guidance, and Nan was below, unpacking their belongings in the two tiny cabins that would serve as their world for the six or more weeks of the ocean voyage.
Lucian turned her over to the captain, admonishing him to take good care of his precious cargo, then gave Raven a brotherly embrace.
She clung to Lucian a long moment, earning a searching look from his blue eyes when she stepped back. Thankfully he asked none of the probing questions his wife had asked, but merely kissed her cheek.
“Take care of yourself, sweetheart. And give my best regards to Nick. You are likely to see him much sooner than I.”
Raven managed a smile at the thought. Her half brother normally made his home in Virginia, but British troops had come threateningly close to his vicinity, so Nicholas had moved his family to one of the American islands of the Caribbean. She greatly looked forward to seeing him and his wife, Aurora, again. It was one of the few rays of light in her dark world these days.
“I will,” she promised.
Going to the railing, she watched Lucian make his way off the ship and enter his waiting carriage. Her eyes blurred as she returned Brynn’s farewell wave, while a piercing ache of emptiness filled her when her friends drove away. How desperately she would miss them! Yet there was little else about England she would miss, most certainly not the cold.
Shivering in the gusty March wind, Raven drew her cloak more tightly around her and stood overlooking the bustling docks, remembering her arrival last spring. She had come to England determined to fashion her future to her precise qualifications. But nothing had turned out the way she had planned. She had stupidly fallen in love against her will, with a man who couldn’t love her in return.
And yet would she have changed her fate if she could? Would she rather have never met Kell? Never have known his touch? Never known the misery that was love? Despite the pain, she couldn’t bring herself to wish she had never loved him.