“Lady Frayne,” the captain said beside her, interrupting her disconsolate thoughts. “If you would be so kind as to go below now? We will get under way within the half hour.”
Raven nodded and complied, not wanting to be underfoot of the crew, who were busy unfurling sails and untying lines.
She went belowdecks to her small cabin, and was grateful to find it warmed by a brazier. She took off her gloves and cloak and put them away, then had to brace herself against the shift and sway of the ship as it prepared to sail.
Fighting a surge of despair, Raven fetched the jeweled journal that had belonged to her mother and sat down on the bunk to read. Her gaze fell to a page well-worn from her mother’s countless readings.
Love is both ecstasy and torment. Love fills me with a wild joy and an aching dread…
Abruptly Raven shut the journal, unable to bear any more. For her, love was more torment than ecstasy.
She lay down on the bunk, curling her knees into her chest. An ache shuddered deep inside her. She understood love now. She understood so much better what her mother had faced. So much better what she truly wanted.
She had come to England to fulfill her mother’s dream, but she realized now that she couldn’t live someone else’s dream. She couldn’t live her life for anyone but herself. Her mother’s dream wasn’t hers.
Yet achieving her own goal of gaining a title had not provided her any more real fulfillment. She had been a fool to believe a title so important.
She’d thought it would take away the hurt and shame of her being a bastard, that it would make her good enough to join the society that had been denied her mother. In some ways, her whole life had been about proving that she was good enough. But she could no longer be ashamed of what she was: a child of love. Now that she truly knew what love was, she could only think of herself as blessed.
She could no longer deny a stronger yearning, either. She would have wanted Kell’s child. But now there was no possibility of that.
Raven shut her eyes, feeling the tears start to fall. When, a moment later, she broke into sobs, she buried her face in the pillow to muffle the sound. She hadn’t allowed herself to cry in so long. She hated watering pots. Her mother had spent so many nights sobbing into her pillow…
The image of her mother crying over her lost love suddenly came to her, and Raven drew a sharp breath. Oh, God. Had she become exactly like her mother?
Brutally she bit back her tears. She was different from her mother. She wasn’t a helpless victim, letting life act on her rather than meeting its challenges with defiance.
Yet what was she was doing by running away? Wasn’t she acting the coward?
Raven swallowed hard, trying to staunch the flow of tears. O’Malley would have been ashamed of her for surrendering without a fight-and she was suddenly ashamed of herself. She couldn’t deny the savage heartache that came with losing Kell, but she could choose how to deal with it.
Running away was not the answer.
It wasn’t too late to change her mind about leaving, either. And if she stayed? She could go in search of Kell. She could at least tell him she loved him.
It would be craven to slink away before she knew for certain what he truly felt for her. She could demand he tell her unequivocally, to her face, that he couldn’t forgive her, that he would never come to love her, that he wanted her out of his life.
And if he said all those things? Fear curled in Raven’s stomach at the possibility.
Then she would simply have to make him change his mind. She would have to fight to win his love. But first she would have to find him. She would tell the captain she couldn’t sail-
Just then she felt a weight settle beside her.
Raven froze, certain she was imagining the hard arms that lifted her up and gathered her close against a warm male chest, the fervent lips that brushed her temple…
“Raven…God, please, love…don’t cry.”
Kell. Her tears arresting completely, she stared up at him, searching the chiseled planes of his beloved face. Dear heaven, was her imagination playing dreadful tricks on her? Was he a fantasy?
Scarcely daring to breathe, she reached up to touch his scarred cheek, feeling the cruel ridge, the warm texture of his skin. He was truly real.
A startling joy spread through her, succeeded instantly by a sinking despair as she remembered their circumstances.
“What are you doing here?”
His mouth twisted in the semblance of a smile. “At the moment I am embracing you.”
“No, I mean…why are you here?”
The intensity of his dark eyes never wavered. “Because I received word that my beautiful wife intended to desert me, and I desperately hoped to stop her.”
She sat up on the narrow bunk, dashing absently at her tears.
Kell leaned back against the bulkhead, surveying her. “I was in Ireland, making plans to return to London, when Dare came to fetch me.”
Her eyes widened. “Dare went all the way to Ireland to find you?”
“Yes…and barely in time, it seems. I rode like a madman to get here before you sailed.”
For the first time she noticed Kell’s mud-spattered clothing, the dark stubble on his chin, his bleary eyes.
A shadow touched his face. “I feared I might be too late. But if so, I would have followed you.”
Raven squeezed her eyes shut, not knowing how to interpret his pronouncement. “I thought you hated me for making you lose your brother.”
“Oh, God, I could never, ever hate you, Raven. Come here.”
Reaching for her, Kell again drew her against his chest and rested his chin on the top of her head. “I needed to sort some things out in my mind. To try to come to terms with Sean’s death.”
Raven took a deep breath, afraid to hope. “And did you?”
Kell sighed. “As much as possible. Sean was a tormented soul, I know, but it tormented me that I couldn’t help him. I see now that I was trying to punish myself for being unable to save him.”
She was silent a moment, listening to the solid beat of his heart. Could she dare believe that Kell had come to terms with his grief and guilt? That he had been able to give up his burden of self-blame?
Raven could feel her own heart thudding as she searched for the right words. “Emma says that you have a fierce need to rescue anyone in distress, but I don’t think you could have done anything to save Sean.”
“I realize that now. If I had acted sooner, perhaps…But Sean was to blame for his own destructive actions.” Kell tilted her face up to his, gazing deeply into her eyes. “I’m sorry for everything he did to you, Raven. I’m so sorry about O’Malley…”
Raven felt an agonizing twist of pain at the remembrance. Her sorrow at O’Malley’s death would always be with her, but she knew her friend wouldn’t want her to spend her life grieving for him.
“I will never forget him,” she said softly, her hand rising to her breast. “I will always keep his memory here, in my heart.”
Kell covered her hand with his own, his expression as grave as she had ever seen it. “Do you think you could find a place in your heart for me as well, Raven? Please, tell me I’m not too late.”
A thrill of hope ran through her. Hope and longing and joy. “No.” Her throat constricting with relief, she managed a husky whisper. “You aren’t too late.”
His long lashes hooded his dark gaze. “And yet you planned to leave me. You intended to put an ocean’s distance between us.”
She refused to look away. “Because I couldn’t bear to stay, believing you hated me. I thought my going would make it easier for you to seek a divorce.”
“Is that what you want? A divorce?”
“No,” she said emphatically. “Not at all. I only thought you would be happier without me as your wife.”