‘What do you think?’ asked Sophie, holding up a purple dress.
‘I dunno,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s not really you.’
‘I like it,’ I said. ‘I bet it would look nice on.’
‘I’ll try it on,’ said Sophie. ‘If that’s OK?’
‘Yeah, sure,’ I said.
I followed Hannah and Sophie around Dundrum shopping centre, but I wasn’t really paying attention. Instead I was still analysing, still trying to figure out what Nick was thinking, but I couldn’t. I think that’s one of the major tragedies of life. It was funny how Kayla and Beth had been able to get inside my head, infiltrate my dreams, show me what had happened to them, and yet I didn’t know what my own living boyfriend… living ex-boyfriend… was thinking. You can never get inside somebody else’s head – you’ll never be able to find out what they are really thinking. Even when someone tells you, you don’t really know. And I think that’s what hurt the most. Not the rejection or the betrayal. It was the not knowing what was going through his head in that split second when he decided that what we had just wasn’t worth holding on to. That moment when he decided I was disposable.
I could hear Colin’s words ringing in my ears – ‘You need to cut that loose, Jacki, because he’s not treating you right.’
Hannah held up two different eye shadows.
‘Which one?’ she said.
I shrugged.
‘You should buy a dress,’ she said. ‘That’ll make you feel better. And you need something to wear to karaoke at Rage on Friday.’
‘Oh, I dunno, Han, I don’t think I’m up for karaoke.’
‘But you LOVE karaoke,’ she said.
I somehow managed to make it through to lunch and we sat up on the stools at the sushi counter. I watched the brightly coloured plastic cartons go by on the conveyor belt. Hannah and Sophie were discussing their purchases. After much persuasion from Hannah I’d bought something. Usually I’d be excited about finding such a nice dress in exactly the right size, but nothing could cheer me up today. I still wasn’t hungry either. I wasn’t even going to attempt to eat. If Hannah and Sophie were getting tired of my mood, they didn’t say anything. I guess you get a free pass when something like this happens. Because everyone knows what it’s like to be dumped. And if they don’t they’re lucky.
When I got home, I promised Hannah I wouldn’t get back into bed, so instead I decided to write some lyrics. It wasn’t very enjoyable though because I just ended up writing particularly angry stuff.
A disposable camera
In the back of your drawer;
Distant memories
That’s what I’m good for.
Something fun
But you’d rather forget;
Listen up, baby,
I’m not quite done yet.
Were you getting bored
With my modest demands?
I’m sorry I don’t like
Your favourite bands.
Might want to consider
Before you throw me away;
Chances are you’ll
Be back some day.
Eighteen red roses
Waiting by my door
But distant memories
That’s what you’re good for.
Chapter 19
The next morning I was at Electric magazine, feeling only slightly better. On top of everything that had happened with Nick, I was obviously coming down with something. This only added to my grumpiness. I tried to keep busy, but there wasn’t much to do. I think Ellie thought my bad mood was somehow related to the case, that I was worn out from working so hard on it, so she hadn’t given me much work. This made me feel guilty on top of everything else. I felt like I’d abandoned Kayla over the last few days. I’d been so obsessed with my own problems that I’d forgotten the real reason I was in Dublin. I had to snap out of it.
‘Are you OK?’ said Dillon, taking off his headphones.
‘Yeah,’ I lied. ‘I’m just really tired.’
I’d decided not to tell him about Nick, mainly because whenever I attempted to tell anyone my eyes welled up with tears. I was sure he’d find out eventually anyway.
‘I can’t believe the two weeks are almost up,’ he said, looking at me intently. ‘I wish I could stay here forever. I’ll miss doing all this with you, Jacki.’
I stopped in my tracks. Did he just say he was going to miss me? No, no. He just meant he’d miss working with me. I peeped up at him, trying to form a sensible response, but was too flustered by the way he was looking at me and by everything that had happened with Nick.
‘Um, yeah. I’ll miss it too.’ I stumbled over my words. ‘I -’
‘Jacki, Dillon, will you come into the office for a moment?’ Ellie called us in and with the tension of the moment suddenly broken, I wasn’t sure if I felt relieved or not.
We were ushered in and Ellie shut the door. ‘I’ll show you some photos of the location for tomorrow’s shoot,’ she said. ‘It’s just perfect; it’s so bleak, it really captures the mood of the -’
‘Oh my god!’ I blurted as she enlarged the picture.
Ellie turned round and looked at me, surprised.
‘It’s… it’s just so beautiful!’ I said.
‘Isn’t it just! I’m glad you think so too. So, hair and make-up starts at seven a.m…’
As Ellie filled us in with the rest of the details of the shoot, I stood at the desk staring at the photo in a daze. It was like somebody had taken a snapshot of my dream and put it on the Internet. I know lots of roads look the same, but this was unbelievably similar. I felt a shiver run down my back. I could hear the clinking of the camera and the clip-clop of the heels and I could see the brown eyes of the man in the balaclava.
‘Jacki,’ said Ellie. ‘You don’t look well at all. Do you want to go home?’
‘No thanks,’ I said. ‘I’ll be fine.’
I would. I had to be. This was clearly a sign.
One thing I learned the next morning was that it’s really, REALLY cold in the Dublin mountains at 7 a.m., even in May. Ellie, Cliona and Patricia were all wearing fur jackets – they’d obviously done this before. I tried to stop shivering and concentrate on what I had to do. Willis Middleton was sitting on one of those director’s chairs, wearing skinny jeans, a loose white T-shirt, a black leather jacket and lots of beads round his neck. He was holding a copy of his latest record, a concept album entitled Fear.
‘And for one last question… what scares you?’ asked the reporter, in a very serious voice.
‘Hmm… I’m not sure,’ said Willis. ‘I guess… nothing!’
Willis rarely does interviews, so everybody had been warned to be extra nice to him. ‘Humour him,’ were the words Ellie had used. I was too busy looking around, hoping to see the barbed-wire fence. We’d driven up a road that was uncannily similar to the one from my dream and walked through the unkempt grass, but I was yet to find the most important place. I thought maybe I’d see Kayla, but nothing had happened yet. I tried wandering off a few times, but each time Ellie would call me back to make sure Willis had enough water or enough choc-chip cookies. He actually wasn’t that demanding at all. I think he’d calmed down a lot since coming out of rehab. He’d been telling me how he didn’t drink coffee any more when I’d offered him some because he found it interfered with his meditation. He didn’t seem that crazy at all. But the Electric staff were all still pretty on edge, like he was a ticking time bomb that could go off at any second. I myself felt really sick, and wondered if it was from lack of sleep.