Buff started his class with an example of what not to do in Iraq. “Gentlemen, I know some of you may think it is a good idea, but having scorpion fights or sand spider competitions is probably not the brightest idea in the world. Marines are especially keen on doing this… don’t do it!” He smirked at the Marine-filled corner of the small classroom and continued. “If you don’t believe me, talk to my Marine buddy who got bit by both of the competitors the last time he tried to host a scorpion fight competition—pure genius, that friend of mine.”
Buff then tackled the problem of Iraqi “close-talkers.” Close-talkers are people who speak at a distance so close that the person listening can feel the warmth of their breath. Unfortunately, Iraq is filled with close-talkers. In Buff’s words, “Embedded advisers and close-talker Iraqis do not mix. Iraqis have mouths filled with airborne diseases that none of y’all have been exposed to. This can lead to serious health issues while you are in Iraq. Now listen up.”
Buff had a solution. He joked, “Gents, instead of smelling Iraqi bad breath and eating their saliva as they speak with you, I suggest that you perform my ‘perpendicular, circular walk technique.’ Basically, as an Iraqi is talking to you, walk in a circle around him with your head perpendicular to theirs. This will keep you from exposing yourself to their diseases. Now, of course, this is going to seem odd to your Iraqi counterparts. Don’t worry—I have a solution. Tell the Iraqis you have a lazy eye or that you cannot hear out of your left ear and that you need to point your ear toward them in order to maximize what you can hear. It works every time!” The class burst in laughter, partly because what he said was funny, but mainly because we knew this was a technique Buff used in practice. His anti-close-talker technique may work for a U.S. Army medic, I thought, but it is not going to work for an adviser who needs to earn the trust and confidence of his Iraqi counterparts.
Buff’s final point was on the threat of hepatitis in Iraq. In his eloquent and unique fashion, he explained, “Gentlemen, I have a beautiful poem for you: Flies that frolic in your feces today, will be joining you for dinner tomorrow.” He paused after receiving some confused looks then continued. “Gents, what I am talking about here is hepatitis. Hepatitis is a major threat to you in this country for two reasons: First, there is no sewage system. Second, Iraqis like to stand on Western style toilet bowls and engage in a game of target practice, trying to get their turd in the toilet. Unfortunately, they often miss and an American ends up sitting on it. I can’t emphasize enough: wash your hands and keep your areas clean!” Buff did not need to explain the threat of hepatitis any further. We understood loud and clear.
Following Buff’s class we attended a course on Arab culture. “Mr. Mohammed” (how the instructor referred to himself) presented a compelling lecture on the importance of understanding Arab culture and language in his region of the world. Mohammed, an American citizen originally from Jordan, gave us the standard story on Arab culture but provided an illuminating example to the class that I doubt any of us will forget. He asked everyone in the class to touch their right earlobe. One of the U.S. Army soldiers popped out of his seat, took his right hand, and reached up to touch his right earlobe. Everyone in the classroom looked at each other and tried to figure out the purpose of the exercise.
Mohammed went on to explain to the class and the soldier, “So, I asked you to touch your earlobes and you all quickly took your right hand and reached up and grabbed your right earlobe using the quickest, most direct method possible. This is how I would expect an American to respond to this request.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “However, an Arab would do this slightly differently.”
The classroom was on edge to hear how touching one’s right earlobe could possibly be different for Arabs. Mohammed slowly reached behind his head with his left hand, strained to reach the right side of his head, and touched his right earlobe. “This is how an Arab would touch his earlobe.” He further explained, “How I grabbed my earlobe summarizes the fundamental difference between Arab people and Western people. Western people will do what is the most efficient and the most direct when asked to do something; however, Arab people will put in the extra effort to please someone and make them feel important. The Arab will do this, even if they must go out of their way and the extra effort is wasteful or inefficient.”
Everyone was perplexed. Mohammed continued, “This is a cultural difference that Westerners find hard to understand. Nevertheless, if you give up your desire to be efficient and direct and focus more on being accommodating and supportive, you will have the Arab people on your side and they will respect you as a brother versus detesting you as an occupier.”
As Mohammed finished his class the crowd generously applauded his efforts. His lecture had illuminated the intricacies of Arab culture in a way that nobody had been able to do up until that point. I am still amazed there is another way one can touch his or her earlobe in this world.
After attending numerous seminars on everything from communications to Arab culture, I had much to think over. But I think the best advice came from Major Bullock, the final speaker of the course and a former MiTT member himself. He summarized the psychology of the MiTT experience: “When you guys first start advising you will have a very high give-a-fuck factor. Just like me you will be super motivated and excited about transforming the Iraqi army into a twenty-first-century fighting force.” Everyone in the class nodded in acknowledgment, and the major continued. “However, once you are exposed to the Iraqis’ complete lack of desire to get anything done, their intense corruption, and their cultural norms of laziness and lack of initiative, your give-a-fuck factor drops precipitously. Eventually, it drops so low, as mine has, that you resort to a give-a-fuck factor of zero, and reach the not-giving-a-fuck stage. In the not-giving-a-fuck stage you learn to accept Iraqi standards and let them do things their way as long as it has a chance of working.” He paused. “You let them do it their way, even if their method is nowhere near the most efficient or intelligent way to accomplish the mission. The reason you let them do it their way? Because you ain’t changing Iraqi culture anytime soon.” By the end of the major’s discussion, the entire class was chuckling. The thing that made the major compelling was the fact he was brutally honest and didn’t sugarcoat his experience. I appreciated his honesty.
Camp Fallujah
After training we left Camp Taji and arrived at Camp Fallujah. I was glad we were back in Marine country and had left the grips of the U.S. Army’s culture of bureaucracy and back rubs for everyone. The main event in Fallujah was to attend the IED training site.
When it comes to training, the Marine Corps has mastered the process. The IED training site at Camp Fallujah was a perfect excellent example of doing things right. The training site covered three acres on the outskirts of camp and was set up to represent as many real-life IED situations as possible in a small space. The one aspect of the training site that stood out was its realism. The EOD (explosive ordnance disposal) Marine in charge of the training brought actual IED material he had found in live scenarios and placed it on the training site in the exact scenario in which he had found it.
Staff Sergeant Wilkenson, our motivated instructor and an outstanding Marine, led our team through the course. Wilkenson was a poster boy Marine—a chiseled jaw, strong build, and the ability to slay dragons—but what really stood out about him was his positive attitude. He had been the victim of IED attacks many times, and a majority of his EOD teammates had been killed during his deployment. And yet he was upbeat and ready to train.