Another pause while Toni sipped her tea.
“You know that in my culture we don’t use currency, we use respect as our money. I’m not always sure that all the implications of that have really sunk in for many of you. One aspect of it is that we are very in tune with how people treat each other and how much influence an individual might have.
“Whether you realize it or not Julie you are a leader among your people.”
“So Toni, is this about you trying to convince me that a Coridian Protectorship is Earth’s best hope? You think I have influence with others so you want to influence me?”
“No Julie, I just think you’re overlooking some important and obvious things and I’m challenging you to ask yourself why…”
Suddenly Julie was uncertain again. She thought that Toni could still be a friend yet now she found herself questioning her motives. Wasn’t there anyone she could trust?
“I don’t think I’m overlooking anything Toni. Earth has to remain free and I’m not going to rest until that happens.”
“Yes, I understand that you will not waiver from that but why then would you risk that goal for personal gratification?”
What? What was she talking about?
“I’m not risking anything!”
“Julie, you have become important to your entire team. You are important to Coridians because you understand the true nature of the Noridian threat and I suspect you will be important to the people of Earth for the same reason as well as for them to see your resolve—even if that resolve is different than I might wish.”
Toni continued, “The reason I’m talking to you is because I’m worried about you. I’m worried that there is something inside you that needs personal revenge against the Noridians; and I think that need for personal revenge is clouding your judgment.”
“What are you talking about Toni? That Noridian ship has to be taken out!”
“Yes Julie, but you don’t have to be one of the people that do it. You’re far too important to risk like that—and if you were thinking clearly you’d see that.”
“Your concern is noted but in our situation everyone has to take risks—look at Mark,” she said with suddenly tearing eyes. “He’s half-way across the galaxy and I’ll probably never see him again! If the majors thought it was a bad idea they wouldn’t put me on the boarding party in the first place but the ship has to go down and I’m going to be one of the people that takes it down.”
There was a full minute of silence in the compartment before Toni spoke.
“You are a critical part of taking that ship out but that doesn’t mean you have to be on the boarding party. I could be wrong but I think Major Reagan and Major Reynolds know that too.”
“Thank you for the tea Toni,” Julie said as she abruptly stood up to leave.
Her emotions had never been in such turmoil. Her anger had immediately overcome her tears and she hurriedly left the cabin. All she could think about was verifying that no one was going to take away her right to board that ship.
She found Iron Jaw in one of the planning offices and it was all she could do not to scream when he told her that wasn’t part of the plan.
Chapter 37
Major Mathew Reagan, US Army
Julie wasn’t happy about not being on the boarding party.
Not happy at all.
As a matter of fact she hadn’t spoken to me for three days now. She’d somehow gotten this idea in her head that she wasn’t fighting back unless she was actually pulling a trigger. I was worried about her because I knew it was a dangerous state of mind to be in.
I’d seen it before in troops that had incurred unacceptably high losses in their units. A form of survivor’s guilt combined with the need for vengeance.
Talking to others that have experienced the same thing is the best therapy so you hope that with time they’ll snap out of it on their own. I wasn’t completely surprised then when Julie showed up at my cabin door one evening.
I invited her in and walked her into my living area. She was very quiet and subdued and sat at the far end of the large couch. Wanting to give her space I sat at the other end and politely waited until she was ready to speak.
Eventually she turned to face me; leaving one foot on the floor and half crossing her other leg to sit sideways with her arm on the back of the couch.
“I need to know how you do it,” she said with misty eyes.
“Do what, Julie?”
“How can you just keep on going like nothing has happened?” she said with a touch of anger. “They just murdered us and… there was nothing we could do.”
How could I respond to that? I thought to myself. My soldiers had all gone through years of extensive training in their respective services and countries in no small part to teach them how to handle these types of emotions. Julie had none of that.
I was very aware that the next thing I said could be critically important for her. My words could steer her towards emotional comfort and acceptance or to a hard cold place in her heart that could change her forever.
I was also very aware that how she thought of me could lie in the balance.
My chest suddenly tightened and I couldn’t swallow… I wasn’t having a heart attack; I just was finally and fully realizing how deeply and totally I cared for this woman. It was her moment of need and maybe her vulnerability was triggering it but she literally took my breath away.
What the hell was I going to do?
She was still looking at me with red eyes; waiting for an answer. I wanted nothing more than to solve her problems and comfort and protect her but I had no idea how to do it.
I’d been on the battlefield and I’d faced the enemy. I’d literally stared death in the face and still did what I had to do but now I found myself frozen with indecision. I said… nothing.
She eventually dropped her gaze and started talking. Slowly at first, she dispassionately recounted the attack on Stiger in detail. Her voice caught as she described the death of Tunica, the Stigerian native she had befriended; otherwise her words were bland and without emotion. I couldn’t help but feel my heart speed up as she described Mark dragging her to the ground and protecting her with his body and then his heroics in fighting back at the assassin.
“When it was over we went back to the lobby of that first building—the one the Coridian enclave is in. They started carrying in the bodies from our team. At first they brought in a couple, then a few more; the dead just kept coming and they laid them all out along the wall and…
“Luz, Bob, Dr. Knapp… they’re all gone forever.
“The next thing I knew—it was all such a blur—we were racing out of town on those hover cars. Then Major Reynolds told us to hide in the trees. Someone had given me a knife along the way and all I could think about was using it on the Noridians. I’ve never hated anything or anyone so much as I did right then.”
Her voice started catching again when she talked about watching the Noridian ship approach their tree-line.
She looked up at me as she said, “I was ready to kill. I didn’t care if I lived or died I just wanted to fight back.
“And then when the hatch opened and you walked out of the ship…”
She was in tears now and I instinctively moved towards her. The next thing I knew she was in my arms sobbing uncontrollably.
I held her tightly for quite some time until she quieted. Her arms and head felt heavy on my shoulder and I realized she was exhausted. I adjusted our positions until I was lying on the couch with her spooned in front of me.
We lay quiet for a long time and I thought she might be asleep when she quietly asked, “Does it ever get to you?”
I combed her long straight hair back from her face with my free hand and said, “Of course.”