Someday they'll all see me as I see myself. Larger than any of them. Head and shoulders above the rest, seeing farther, reaching farther, carrying burdens they could only dream of. In Rotterdam all I cared about was staying alive. But here, well fed, I've found out who I am. What I might be. They might think I'm an alien or a robot or something, just because I'm not genetically ordinary. But when I've done the great deeds of my life, they'll be proud to claim me as a human, furious at anyone who questions whether I'm truly one of them.
Greater than Wiggin.
He put the thought out of his mind, or tried to. This wasn't a competition. There was room for two great men in the world at the same time. Lee and Grant were contemporaries, fought against each other. Bismarck and Disraeli. Napoleon and Wellington.
No, that's not the comparison. It's Lincoln and Grant. Two great men working together.
It was disconcerting, though, to realize how rare that was. Napoleon could never bear to let any of his lieutenants have real authority. All victories had to be his alone. Who was the great man beside Augustus? Alexander? They had friends, they had rivals, but they never had partners.
That's why Wiggin has kept me down, even though he knows by now from the reports they give to army commanders that I've got a mind better than anybody else in Dragon. Because I'm too obviously a rival. Because I made it clear that first day that I intended to rise, and he's letting me know that it won't happen while I'm with his army.
Someone came into the bathroom. Bean couldn't see who it was because of the fog. Nobody greeted him. Everybody else must have finished here and gone back to get ready.
The newcomer walked through the fog past the opening in Bean's shower stall. It was Wiggin.
Bean just stood there, covered with soap. He felt like an idiot. He was in such a daze he had forgotten to rinse, was just standing in the fog, lost in his thoughts. Hurriedly he moved under the water again.
"Bean?"
"Sir?" Bean turned to face him. Wiggin was standing in the shower entrance.
"I thought I ordered everybody to get down to the gym."
Bean thought back. The scene unfolded in his mind. Yes, Wiggin had ordered everybody to bring their flash suits to the gym.
"I'm sorry. I ... was thinking of something else ..."
"Everybody's nervous before their first battle."
Bean hated that. To have Wiggin see him doing something stupid. Not remembering an order -- Bean remembered everything. It just hadn't registered. And now he was patronizing him. Everybody's nervous!
"You weren't," said Bean.
Wiggin had already stepped away. He came back. "Wasn't I?"
"Bonzo Madrid gave you orders not to take your weapon out. You were supposed to just stay there like a dummy. You weren't nervous about doing that."
"No," said Wiggin. "I was pissed."
"Better than nervous."
Wiggin started to leave. Then returned again. "Are you pissed?"
"I did that before I showered," said Bean.
Wiggin laughed. Then his smile disappeared. "You're late, Bean, and you're still busy rinsing. I've already got your flash suit down in the gym. All we need now is your ass in it." Wiggin took Bean's towel off its hook. "I'll have this waiting for you down there, too. Now move."
Wiggin left.
Bean turned the water off, furious. That was completely unnecessary, and Wiggin knew it. Making him go through the corridor wet and naked during the time when other armies would be coming back from breakfast. That was low, and it was stupid.
Anything to put me down. Every chance he gets.
Bean, you idiot, you're still standing here. You could have run down to the gym and beaten him there. Instead, you're shooting your stupid self in the stupid foot. And why? None of this makes sense. None of this is going to help you. You want him to make you a toon leader, not think of you with contempt. So why are you doing things to make yourself look stupid and young and scared and unreliable?
And still you're standing here, frozen.
I'm a coward.
The thought ran through Bean's mind and filled him with terror. But it wouldn't go away.
I'm one of those guys who freezes up or does completely irrational things when he's afraid. Who loses control and goes slack-minded and stupid.
But I didn't do that in Rotterdam. If I had, I'd be dead.
Or maybe I did do it. Maybe that's why I didn't call out to Poke and Achilles when I saw them there alone on the dock. He wouldn't have killed her if I'd been there to witness what happened. Instead I ran off until I realized the danger she was in. But why didn't I realize it before? Because I did realize it, just as I heard Wiggin tell us to meet in the gym. Realized it, understood it completely, but was too cowardly to act. Too afraid that something would go wrong.
And maybe that's what happened Achilles lay on the ground and I told Poke to kill him. I was wrong and she was right. Because any bully she caught that way would probably have held a grudge -- and might easily have acted on it immediately, killing her as soon as they let him up. Achilles was the likeliest one, maybe the only one that would agree to the arrangement Bean had thought up. There was no choice. But I got scared. Kill him, I said, because I wanted it to go away.
And still I'm standing here. The water is off. I'm dripping wet and cold. But I can't move.
Nikolai was standing in the bathroom doorway. "Too bad about your diarrhea," he said.
"What?"
"I told Ender about how you were up with diarrhea in the night. That's why you had to go to the bathroom. You were sick, but you didn't want to tell him because you didn't want to miss the first battle."
"I'm so scared I couldn't take a dump if I wanted to," said Bean.
"He gave me your towel. He said it was stupid of him to take it." Nikolai walked in and gave it to him. "He said he needs you in the battle, so he's glad you're toughing it out."
"He doesn't need me. He doesn't even want me."
"Come on, Bean," said Nikolai. "You can do this."
Bean toweled off. It felt good to be moving. Doing something.
"I think you're dry enough," said Nikolai.
Again, Bean realized he was simply drying and drying himself, over and over.
"Nikolai, what's wrong with me?"
"You're afraid that you'll turn out to be just a little kid. Well, here's a clue: You are a little kid."
"So are you."
"So it's OK to be really bad. Isn't that what you keep telling me?" Nikolai laughed. "Come on, if I can do it, bad as I am, so can you."
"Nikolai," said Bean.
"What now?"
"I really do have to crap."
"I sure hope you don't expect me to wipe your butt."
"If I don't come out in three minutes, come in after me."
Cold and sweating -- a combination he wouldn't have thought possible. Bean went into the toilet stall and closed the door. The pain in his abdomen was fierce. But he couldn't get his bowel to loosen up and let go.
What am I so afraid of?
Finally, his alimentary system triumphed over his nervous system. It felt like everything he'd ever eaten flooded out of him at once.
"Time's up," said Nikolai. "I'm coming in."
"At peril of your life," said Bean. "I'm done, I'm coming out."
Empty now, clean, and humiliated in front of his only real friend, Bean came out of the stall and wrapped his towel around him.
"Thanks for keeping me from being a liar," said Nikolai.
"What?"
"About your having diarrhea."
"For you I'd get dysentery."
"Now that's friendship."