I gets up and walks out in my underwear to the phone. There’s some bitch on the other end and she wants to know if I’m me. I tell her, “Fuck yeah, I’m me! What you want?”
I hears her laugh away from the phone. Then she says, “We want you to be our guest on Snookie Cane.”
I’m thinkin this a joke. “Yeah, right,” I say. “And why you want me on the show?”
“Well actually we have a guest who wants to surprise you with something. Someone who has a crush on you.” She take a breath, then say, “We’re taping the show today at one. We’re at Optic White Studios in Burbank. Stage F.”
“You fo’ real?” I say.
“Yes, I am,” she say. “Can you make it?”
“Somebody got a crush on me?” I ax.
“Yes, indeed.”
“The Snookie Cane Show?”
“Yes,” she say.
“Snookie Cane gone be there?” I ax.
“Yes.”
“I’m gone be on TV?” I ax.
“Yes.”
“Okay, I be there,” I say.
“Be here by twelve-thirty,” she say.
“Awright,” I say.
She hang up. I hang up. I looks down and sees Baby Girl lookin up at me. I says, “I’m gone be on Snookie Cane.”
Baby Girl start screamin. “Mama! Mama! Go gone be on Snookie Cane!” She go runnin in the kitchen. I follows. She tell Mama again.
Mama look at me. “What you done, boy?”
“I ain’t done nuffin. Somebody gots a crush on me,” I say.
Mama just starin at me.
“That what she say on the phone. Say they doin the show today.”
Baby Girl look like she gone bust wide open. “Mama, we gone go watch Go on telebision?”
Mama look worried. She smile at Baby Girl and say, “I guess so.”
“Boy, that what you wearin to be on nashnal TV?” Mama ax.
“Yeah and don’t fuck wif me,” I say.
“Don’t talk to me like that,” she say. “And you cain’t be talkin like that on the telebision.”
“They can’t tell me how to talk,” I say. “Come on, let’s go.”
Our neighbor-lady, Quanita-Mack drive us in her car. I be sittin in the back wif Baby Girl and them big gals be sittin all over the front seat. They talkin and maybe they even talkin bout me or to me, but I don’t be hearin them cause I’m thinkin bout last night and what I done to Penelope.
I feels big. Then I’m thinkin bout who it be that gots a crush on me. I feels real big.
When we gets to the studio there’s this nigger in a uniform tellin us we gots to park all the way the fuck across the street. I lean up and out of Quanita-Mack’s window and yells at the muthafucka. “I’m supposed to be on the telebision, nigger,” I say.
“Listen, I don’t care if you’re s’posed to be on the moon,” he say. “You gotta park over there in lot C.”
“You think you the man cause you wearin that uniform,” I say.
He just looks at me.
“Sit back, now,” Mama say to me.
Quanita-Mack park the car and we walks across the street and into the studio and we find a line at Stage F. I walks up to the front and tells the guy at the door that I’m s’posed to be on the show.
“What’s your name?” he ax.
“Van Go Jenkins,” I say.
“Okay,” he say. “Go on in to door three. They’ll take care of you in there.”
“What about my Mama and sister,” I say.
“And Quanita-Mack,” Mama say.
“Yeah,” I say. “They gotta get in.”
“Okay, okay,” he say. “I’ll see to it that they get in.”
I walk on in and I see the way them people in the line be lookin at me. They know I’m gone be on telebision by now. I find door 3. I knocks on it and it opens. There’s a fine lookin white girl standin there, but she lookin at me hard and mean.
“My name be Van Go Jenkins,” I says.
“Good, get in here,” she say and she grab me by the arm and pull me in. “Gloria!”
A skinny blond-headed girl come runnin up. “Yes, Pam?”
“Take this gentleman over to makeup and get him shined up a little bit,” Pam say. She look at her clipboard. “Then take him to booth one and put the headset on him.”
“Got it,” Gloria say. Then she look at me. “Come on.”
“So, what the show bout today?” I ax.
“Can’t talk about it,” Gloria say.
I follow her down a long hallway. “Somebody gots a crush on me,” I say.
“How about that,” she say.
We gets to this room and there’s this fag nigger standin there in purple pants and a pink shirt tied in a knot above his navel and he say, “Come on in, baby, and have a seat. Queenie gonna do you good.”
“Fuck that,” I says. I turns to Gloria. “That eye ain’t gonna touch my ass.”
Queenie say, “I don’t want to touch yo’ ass. Yet.”
Gloria put her hand on my arm. “You want to be on TV, right?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“You want all those people out there to see you on the stage, right?” she say and she straightens up the front of my shirt.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Then let Queenie shine you up just a little bit,” she say. “I promise it won’t hurt.”
“Now, come on, boy and get in this chair,” the faggot say to me. “Are you afraid of me?”
“Naw, I ain’t scareda you or nobody,” I say.
“Then sit down,” he say.
I sit down and the nigger take to spread vaseline on my face.
“What that shit fo’?” I ax.
“This will make you shine like a proper TV nigger,” he say. Then he laugh real loud and I can see in the back of his mouth. He got gold fillins. He calm down. “So, somebody’s got a crush on you, eh, baby?”
“So I hear,” I say.
“I can see it,” he say. “You think you know who it is?” he ax.
“I don’t know who it be,” I say. “Could be a lotta peoples.”
“Ohhh,” he squeal. “I likes that. Confidence. Could it be a man?”
“Bet’ not be,” I say. “I don’t wanna have to kick nobody’s ass on nashnal telebision.”
“Well, well,” he say. “All done.”
“That it?” I ax.
“That’s it,” he say. Then he call out, “Gloria! Gloria!”
Gloria come in and look at me. “All shined up,” she say.
“You can take little-Mister-afraid-for-his-ass away now,” Queenie say.
“Don’t make me have to jump on yo’ ass,” I say.
“Promises, promises,” he say, laughin. “You couldn’t handle it.”
“Come on,” Gloria say and pull me out the room and back into the hallway. “It’s almost show time. I’ve got to get you into the booth and put the headset on you. What kinda music do you like?”
“I likes rap,” I says.
“Got lots of rap,” she say. “Now you just stand here and put on these headphones. You see that camera?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, when that red light comes on, you’re on televsion,” she say.
“No shit,” I say.
“No shit. But don’t say anything,” she say. “After a while I’ll stop the music and tell you to come on out. You just follow the red line on the floor to the stage. Got it?”
I nods.
“Okay, then,” she say. “I’ll call you in a while.”
“Okay.”
She leave and pretty soon some lame-ass rap wanna-be shit start comin through the headphones. Just like she say, bout ten minutes later the light on top of that camera come on. I smiles at it and kinda dance to the music. It happen a couple mo’ times. Then, just like she say, the music stop and Gloria tell me to walk on out to the stage.
I be struttin cool as shit along that red line, round the corner, through the door and down the stairs to the stage and there they be. My fo’ babies sittin on they fo’ mamas’ laps. Aspireene be sittin on Sharinda’s lap. Tylenola be sittin on Reynisha’s lap. Dexatrina be sittin on Robertarina’s lap. And Rexall sittin there on Cleona’s lap. The empty chair be next to Cleona and that big waterhead retard be grabbin at my shirt when I sits down. The audience be booin me and I look up and I can kinda see they ugly ass faces, but the lights in my eyes and I gives them the finger. Booin me? Shit, I kick all they asses.