Their emergency meeting is to do with Bosnia, she said.
Could Vikram be back? I wondered, determinedly looking away. To save me. Clearly they weren’t shagging if Peppy-tottie was around. My eyes scanned the auditorium. Faking a collapse would be no problem at all, I thought. With her beside me it would be no problem at all to appear to be struck down by some kind of stroke or seizure. On the contrary. Then call on Dr Griffiths. Let him do the speech. No, the notion, I suddenly realized, overwhelmed by the effect of her presence, of your calmly asking her for a little guidance, a little help with the opening words of your address, is perfectly crazy. You’re not even able to talk to her, to sit next to her. So why on earth did you set up this situation where she was to prompt you, to answer your questions? The only question you will ever be able to ask her, I told myself, is Why? Why? And if she asks you, Why what? God knows what damage you may do. Not a trace of the bromazepam left, I thought. Perhaps that was the problem. If she asks you, Why what? God knows what may happen. You should have taken more bromazepam, I thought. Trembling, I turned my glass over and filled it with water.
So it’s fair enough their being late, she was saying. Then she actually leaned across the table and made an announcement into her microphone. The Petitions Committee were late because they were hearing somebody addressing them on Bosnia. Our sufferings could hardly be compared with those of the children of Bosnia, she said into the microphone to the chattering students on the Euro-blue seats of the auditorium. So we were perfectly happy to wait. Looking all around, I was aware that the Honourable Rhys didn’t even lift his head as she made this announcement, so busy was he with Dimitra s spy. Clearly the emergency meeting was not something he had felt duty-bound to attend. And if Vikram Griffiths wasn’t shagging Peppy-tottie, where was he? I wondered. Outside with his dog? The hotel proprietor wouldn’t have the creature. The coach driver likewise. Certainly there was no trace of him here. But now she was saying to me that sometimes she felt ashamed.
What?
All the suffering going on there, she was saying. She had a slim black dress on that turned her cleavage to cream. It’s so outrageous we haven’t done anything to stop it. The perfume was L’Air du Temps, It makes me feel ashamed, she said. Ashamed of my material wealth. My comforts, my easy life. You know. Her ear-rings were the golden scorpions of her birth-sign. Ashamed of being European. You know what I mean? For some reason she was proud of her birth-sign. As she was proud of being French. People are dying, she said, and we’re worried about the conditions of our contract. The golden creatures had ruby eyes. People are dying, she insisted, and we’re sitting here worrying about our terms of employment. Thus the woman, I thought, determinedly looking away, but still picking up a familiar rattle of bracelets as she pushed back her hair, with whom you had the most intense relationship of all your life. People are suffering, she was saying. It makes you wonder how many of us really have a proper perspective on life. And she said this, it occurs to me now, sitting here in the Meditation Room, so-called, perhaps twenty-four hours afterwards, my body assuming that attitude frequently referred to as an attitude of prayer, though this is not a place of worship, head bowed, hands clasped together, though I am not a believer — she said this as if I myself, as official representative of the lectors’ union, had been somehow responsible for stirring the inappropriate rancours of the threatened but always comfortable lectors, as if she were the only person in the world with the sensibility to appreciate that our suffering, or perhaps she meant my own suffering, was as nothing to that of the unfortunate children of Bosnia.
Really we live pretty well She wears pink lipstick when she dresses in black. I mean in comparison with those kids being slaughtered and starved every day. You know. And she never fails, which is something I love, to have the fingernails match. I love that. While our institutions — I love that feminine attention to detail, to their own sense of themselves as objects of beauty — are doing nothing but cast about for a fig-leaf to drape over the shame of their selfish nonintervention. It’s outrageous. We go into the Gulf when it’s a question of keeping our cars running. But do we bother about the children of Sarajevo? Not at all. It makes me so ashamed.
Thus her speech, and probably there was more of it, in French no doubt, though recalled now, by myself, here in the Meditation Room, after all that has happened, in English, following a process not unlike that which my own speech was about to undergo at the hands of seven or eight or nine interpreters. And I recalled that during the Gulf War we drove out into the hills above Como once and made love in her husbands BMW Series 7.
Maybe you should make some statement to that effect, at the beginning, she said. I mean, to make it clear that we’re aware that our own sufferings are nowhere near on the same level. You know. And then it would set the right tone. Because we mustn’t come across as shrill or …
I had turned to look straight at her. I had turned against my will. I was looking into her eyes. I said how pointless it was to make comparisons.
What?
You can’t compare suffering with suffering, I said. Then I realized I was back in the territory of the phone-call to my daughter. Philosophical niceties. It was dangerous to be looking in her eyes. To cover my tracks, I casually remarked that Vikram Griffiths, for example, was totally obsessed by the fear of losing his job and being unable to meet his commitments, to maintain his child. He was desperately afraid of losing this key card in the custody case with his manic-depressive first wife. His superior ability to support the child. Vikram could think of nothing else, I said. Vikram was a haunted soul. I had seen that clearly enough yesterday evening. All his high spirits were just so much desperation. To tear his mind away.
But surely you can’t…
II faut cultiver notre jardín, I said.
But when I see those children on television, she began, and think how we …
I reached under the table, gripped her leg at mid-thigh and dug the nails in fiercely. Her cry was immediate, but immediately stifled. The others were chattering about the spy. Our eyes met. I said there was no discrete unit of measure as far as suffering was concerned.
You’re sick, she said.
I hate you.
She laughed her French laugh, of old, tossed her hair. Oh come on, I was only talking about Bosnia.
Precisely, I said. Only.
What do you mean, precisely? Only?
Work it out.
You’re shaking, she said.
Then she said I must swallow my pride and go and see someone. She put her hand over mine still on her thigh. And what she meant was an analyst.You’ve got to make this speech any moment now, she said. For Christ’s sake think about that. Think about other people instead of yourself for a change. Our jobs are at stake. Jerry, please. Grow up!
Things should never be compared, I said. It wasn’t me had started talking about Bosnia. One lost all sense of things when one compared them, I said. They had to be savoured one by one. And you could only really savour the things that were yours, not other people’s. You had to savour them for what they were. Who’s looking after Stephanie while you’re away? I asked.
If you cultivated your own garden at all, she said, you’d know that she was going to Suzanne after school and then sleeping with her grandparents. Suzanne’s so wonderful, she added. You’re so lucky to have such a lovely daughter. I can’t understand why you don’t see each other more often.