I felt blame engulf me. Everything that had happened was a result of my actions. I was so fucking stupid. I should never have hidden anything from her. I thought I could deal with it on my own, and I didn’t want to give her a reason to doubt me. I had no idea what I would do, or how I would even begin to fix this, but I knew I needed her. I needed Emilyn like I needed air to breathe. I could never walk away from her again, and I was certainly never going to let her walk away from me again.
Emilyn’s parents had been in to see her and they’d both returned with red, swollen eyes. They said she was sleeping soundly. They were going to head home since there wasn’t much they could do. They knew she wouldn’t be alone since I’d made it clear that I wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon. Harper and Ky went in next and came out about thirty minutes later. Harper hugged me tightly and kissed my cheek.
“She’s still asleep. Other than being a little pale, she looks normal.” I hadn’t asked but I think she was just trying to reassure me before I went in the room.
“Come on babe. I’ll take you home.” Ky said to Harper. She let go of me and turned and tucked herself into Kyler’s side. They both walked out the door leaving me to go in alone.
I stood outside her door. My hands shook as I pushed it open and made my way inside. Em was lying on the bed with an IV running out of her arm. I’d expected to see tubes coming out of her, but there weren’t any. She lay there peacefully; her eyes closed. I walked over to her bed and sat down in the chair by her head. Leaning in, I kissed her cool skin. There in the quiet room, with only the subtle sound of a beep recording her pulse, I finally cried. I picked up her hand, holding it to my mouth and I openly wept. I knew she was going to be devastated when she woke. I was so scared to tell her that her son was gone.
I whispered softly over and over again, “I love you Em. You’re my Tiny Girl. Everything will be okay. As long as we are together, everything will be fine.”
My head was in a fog and my whole body felt achy. I wanted to move and yawn and stretch, but for some reason I couldn’t. Was I still sleeping? I lay there trying to get the rest of my body awake and moving. I heard a small sniffling sound right next to me. Then my hand moved. Who was that? I desperately tried to open my eyes but my lids felt so heavy.
“I love you Tiny Girl.”
It was Finn’s voice, so soft. What on earth was going on? I begged my eyes to open. Finn sounded so sad and I just wanted to comfort him. My fingers finally began to comply. I wiggled them, and he must have felt it.
“Em? Em honey, can you hear me?”
I made a slight groaning sound in the back of my throat. Forcing my lids open just a bit and blinking hard, they gradually allowed me to start opening them. Through half-closed eyes I was able to glance around the room. I saw stark white walls in front of me, and a TV hanging near the ceiling. Moving my head in the direction of the hand Finn was holding, I saw him. He looked at me expectantly. His eyes were red and puffy, as if he’d been crying.
“Oh thank god! You’re awake. Jesus Em, I’m so glad you are okay.”
He was speaking so fast. Or was I just that tired?
“Where am I?” My voice was hoarse.
“Are you thirsty? I can get you some water.” He stood up and moved to a rolling tray that had a pitcher and a glass next to it.
I nodded my head. My throat was very dry.
He came back to the bed and gave me the glass. I brought it to my lips and drank. The water was cold and stung the back of my throat, but after the initial shock subsided it felt good. I drank the whole glass down. He took it from me when I was done and sat down next to me. He took my hand again. I felt something on my finger. Looking at it, it was one of those pulse things they put on you in the hospital. What in the hell?
“Finn, where am I?”
“You’re in the hospital Em. Do you remember anything?”
“Hospital?” I tried to wrack my brain. “How did I get in the hospital?”
“Something’s happened Tiny Girl.” He shifted in his seat. “Damn it, I don’t even know how to tell you this.”
My heart kicked into high gear. “What the hell is going on Finley?” When I started to move a sharp pain hit me in my lower stomach and I winced.
“Please don’t move to much Em, you’ll hurt yourself.”
That’s when all of the memories began flooding through me. Furniture shopping, feeling content and happy, the sandwich shop, Val showing up… oh no! I flung the covers off the lower half of my body.
Flat. My stomach was flat.
My eyes were huge and I looked at Finn. “Why is my stomach flat? Where’s my baby?”
He didn’t say anything. He just sat there unable to tell me what I knew in my heart had happened.
Tears flowed down my face. “What happened to my baby Finley?”
He cleared his throat.
I felt my anger rising because he hadn’t responded, so I took a deep breath and calmed myself. Looking him straight in his deep blue eyes I used a tone that he couldn’t ignore.
“What the hell are you not telling me? I want to know where my baby is, and I swear to god, if you don’t tell me right now I’m going to call someone in here that can.”
“Stay calm honey, concentrate on your breathing… in and out… you’re okay… it’s all going to be okay.” He scooted his chair closer. “When you left the sandwich shop you went down the road. By the time I caught up with you, you were already bleeding and had fallen to the ground. I caught you just before your head hit the sidewalk.” He took a deep shaky breath. “And… oh god Em, I tried to get you here as fast as I possibly could. I really did. I didn’t know what was happening. You were passed out and there was so much blood everywhere! I thought I was going to lose you.”
“Something has happened to my baby, hasn’t it?”
He nodded. A strangled noise came from my mouth.
“Dr. Monroe was here with you. He came and told us that you lost it. I’m so sorry Em. The baby’s gone. He said that he was able to fix everything and you’ll still be able to have children. I know that doesn’t make this better, but he wanted you to know.”
There was no conceivable way to wrap my mind around it. This couldn’t be happening. I wasn’t pregnant?
“How?”
“It was something called a placental abruption. The placenta tore away from where it was attached. They tried to save the baby, but you were still too early and the baby was underdeveloped.”
It was as if a light went off in me.
“Did they tell you what it was? The sex?”
He nodded again. “Dr. Monroe said it was a boy.”
“No… no… no!” I started to say louder and louder.
How had this happened? I was fine, healthy even. A little boy? I’d never considered it could have been a boy. I was so certain it was a girl. My intuition was wrong. Just like my intuition about Finn telling me the truth had been wrong. What had I been thinking, letting him back in my life again?
He reached to touch my face, but I turned away.
“Don’t.” I said coldly.
He was confused. “Em, what’s the matter?”
When Finn left me that night, I had been broken. The feeling of losing my first love was devastating. Walking in on my husband fucking the interior decorator was bad. It hurt, but in a way that sealed the idea that I was clearly unable to hold on to something. Finding out that Finn lied to me and hidden things from me after we said we’d be honest with each other was crushing. But this… losing the last thing that I’d felt was mine? A high school break-up, divorce, starting over… none of it was as devastating as this. This shattered my heart in a way that I knew I was never going to be the same again.
This baby was something good that had come from something bad. It represented a new start for me. And now it was gone. My son was gone, and so was whatever had been left of my heart. I didn’t know what broken was until I felt this kind of pain.