She was ripping me in two, and I sat there taking it all because I knew I deserved it. She was finally letting me have it all.
“I blame you Finn. None of this would be happening to me if it weren’t for you.”
And there it was. She had gutted me. The sad thing was that it was the truth. Everything she’d just said was exactly what I had felt since I set eyes on her at the reunion. Everything that had happened with Val and West was just the icing on the shitty cake called her life.
“I’ll never be able to tell you just how sorry I am because sorry will never be enough. I know it may not seem like it right now, but we will get through this together. I told you before that I’ll hold you together for as long as it takes. Just stay with me. Let me be with you Tiny Girl. I love you.”
She wiped a stray tear from her cheek.
“I can’t Finn. I want to, but I just can’t.”
As much as I wanted to sit here and push her, I knew without a shadow of a doubt she was done. It didn’t mean that I was giving up on her—on us—but it meant that I needed to give her time. She was retreating into herself to protect her heart. This façade she was showing was one she needed for healing. And I loved her that much that I’d let her have that.
“Okay. Well could you do me a favor?” My emotions were bubbling to the surface. “Call me when you are being released. I’ll come and pick you up.”
“Harper’s coming to get me. I think I’m going to stay at her place for a while.”
“Em you don’t have to do that. I’ll stay out of your way. I promise you won’t even see me.”
“I think it’s for the best Finn.” She made eye contact and the beautiful blue was marred with sadness.
The conversation was done. She was saying she couldn’t live with me and she needed space. Living in that house by myself was going to be unbearable. But I wouldn’t give up on her. She was my life and I wanted to be with her forever. We would get through this, even if I had to help from a distance.
I lay in my bed at Harper’s house trying to think of something to do other than laying here. It’d been eight weeks since my son died. I felt much of the same hollowness in my heart that I’d felt throughout my life. In a sense, it was like saying hello again to an old friend. It wasn’t that I took comfort in feeling low, but that I knew how to cope with it. I’d lived with sorrow for so long that I almost didn’t know what normal felt like. I’d had brief periods of happiness while I was pregnant and I was living with Finn, but that was over—on both accounts.
While I lay thinking, Harper came in to my room and sat on the end of the bed.
“So what are the plans for the day? Toilet papering the old hag down the street’s house? We could graffiti one of the old train cars? Or maybe just the usual hate and discontent?”
I let out a small laugh. “What did the old lady down the road do to you to elicit a toilet papering?”
“She’s always staring at me with her stupid little squinty face when I drive by. She’s judging me, I can tell.”
“She’s not squinting at you, those are her wrinkles.”
Harper rolled her eyes. “Well, she needs to get a face lift then. She looks like she’s pissed off all the time.”
I laughed a bit harder. “You need help.”
“Whatevs.”
Harper smiled and shook her head before she turned serious. “So really, what are your plans today?”
“Do you have to work?” I asked her.
“Until three, but then I’m free.”
“Are you and Ky doing anything today?”
“Nope. He and Finn are going to his parents’ house for dinner. He asked if I wanted to go, but I think the whole ‘meeting the parents’ thing is a bunch of crap. We aren’t ready for that.”
“But you already know his parents.” I pointed out the obvious.
She looked at me like I’d grown a second head. “It’s different now Em. I’ve not been around them since I started dating him.”
Apparently Harper and Ky had been sneaking around since I moved in with Finn. But they hadn’t said anything until that day in the hospital when Ky announced his claim on her. As stupid as it was to me, it sort of melted her crazy heart. He came over in the evenings and would often stay the night. They both tried really hard not to show any sort of affection in front of me—not that I minded—but I think they thought I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing them holding hands or kissing. I was fine. They both deserved happiness, and I didn’t know two people that fit better than them.
“If you say so. I think I’m just going to stick around here.” I looked over at the clock by the bed. It was already eleven in the morning.
“How about I grab some Chinese food and we can have a Will Ferrell movie marathon and repeat stupid quotes all night.” She smiled at me.
“You got it Ricky Bobby! I guess I better get dressed for my date.”
Laughing, Harper got up from the bed and left my room.
It’d been getting easier to put on a happy front around the people that mattered. I saw no reason to drag Harper or my parents under my dark cloud. I behaved the way that I knew would make them more comfortable around me, but behind closed doors it was a different story. I was ready to find something new. In the many hours that I stayed in my room in the quiet, I’d thought about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. Nothing would change what happened, and that was precisely why I’d made the decision to leave Mountain Home.
I got up, grabbed some clothes out of my dresser and took a shower. Standing in front of the mirror with a towel wrapped around me, a thought hit me. If I was leaving, I’d need to get my things from Finn’s house. I didn’t have much, but I’d left my clothes and some pieces of jewelry that I wanted back. As it happened, today would be the perfect opportunity to do just that. Harper was at work and Ky was at his parents’ house; as was Finn. I could be in and out in thirty minutes and I wouldn’t have to see anybody. I decided I would wait until just before Harper was due home since I wanted to make certain that Finn was at Kyler’s house.
Time seemed to tick by slowly. I paced the house at least two dozen times, cleaned the bathrooms, and baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Looking at the clock I saw that it was almost two. If I left now I could get there, pack a box or two and be back before Harper even got home. I grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
Ten minutes later I pulled into Finn’s driveway. I didn’t see his car anywhere. He wasn’t here. I got out of the car and used my key to unlock the front door. Emotions I’d suppressed began to bubble to the surface, but I quickly beat them back before they had opportunity to root themselves. Looking around the living room, everything appeared the same. Taking a deep breath, I reminded myself that I needed to get moving. Taking two boxes that I had brought in with me down the hallway, I walked into the master bedroom that had so recently been mine. I was shocked by what I saw.
Everything was the same.
The bed was unmade, exactly the way it had been the last time I was there. The dress that I’d worn—and haphazardly thrown on a chair in the corner of the room--hadn’t been moved. I slowly made my way into the bathroom and found the same thing. My toothpaste was on the counter with the cap off, my toothbrush next to it, and a towel lay in a heap on the floor.