His hair was drying in all different directions. I wanted to run my fingers through it. Instead of overthinking it as I usually would, I just did it. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation.
“Can I ask you something else?” He looked like he was going to ask me something that was a bit more personal than just my whereabouts.
“Yes.”
“Just now, while we were together, why the tears?” His face searched mine. Probably for any sign that I might get up and run. He deserved to hear what I had to say though.
I rolled to my side. “Okay, truth time. I’m sorry Finn. My reason for coming here and taking my things was for a bigger purpose. These past two months I’ve been shut off from the world moving forward how everyone expects me too. It’s exhausting!” I exhaled loudly, taking the time to choose my words carefully. “Want more truth?”
“Always.” He said.
“I don’t blame you Finn. That day that Val showed up, I looked at her and I heard her. What she said rang true with me, I wasn’t good enough for you. Deep down I knew she was right.”
His brows furrowed. “That’s a load of shit and you know it.”
I put my finger to his lips. “Wait, I’m not done talking yet.” When he stayed quiet I continued. “I didn’t feel like I was good enough for you Finn and I never have. In high school those girls who had more than I did, were prettier than I was, told me enough times that I believed them. I never looked at us like we were equals. When you left on grad night, I should have never let myself go. I realize now that I should have picked myself up and gone after what I wanted. Don’t you get it? I’m the one that I should have blamed all these years! I let you go too easy. If I had ignored all the petty talk around me I wouldn’t have let you walk away from me without a fight. Now here I am ten years later and I’m doing the exact same thing! I’m letting some trash-talking, blonde bimbo scare me away from believing that I deserved more in my life. This,” I motioned between us, “What we just shared is something that I’ll never forget.”
He swallowed hard and I saw his Adams apple move up and down. “It’s something that you can share with me anytime you want Em.”
My eyes softened. “I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through the past two months Finn. I’ve treated you so badly when you’ve done nothing but try to be there for me. Now don’t get me wrong, the lying and hiding things from me was not okay, but I accept your apology. But blaming you for losing my child and keeping you away from me is something that I’ll probably regret for the rest of my life. When my life was crashing down on me, you were my rock.” I paused to catch my breath. “What I’m trying to say to you is… I love you Finley Morgan, and I always have. You will always be the one great love of my life. Even after everything that has happened, over the course of ten years until right this moment, you will be my one and only.”
“Marry me Emilyn.”
My mouth dropped open. “What?”
“I said, marry me. I love you too. Be with me. Let me love you for the rest of our lives.”
I searched those piercing blue eyes for any sign that he was joking. He wasn’t, and I was about to crush him.
“Finn… I can’t.”
“Why not?”
I started crying. “The reason I’m telling you all of this is because I’m leaving. I’ve been thinking about this over the past few weeks and I think I need to leave and start over somewhere.” And before he could say what I knew he was going to I said, “Alone.”
“Don’t leave Tiny Girl. I just got you back in my life. Don’t leave me.” His voice choked.
Tears began flowing down my cheeks. “I love you Finn but I can’t. I’ve never learned to live on my own, to do things for myself without relying on the people around me. I need to go and be a part of this world and live in it. I’m sorry if you don’t understand it, but I need to do this.”
I leaned forward and kissed him softly on his full sweet lips. Lingering a little longer than my heart could have probably tolerated, I got up from the bed, pulled out one of his old t-shirts and a pair of jeans I’d left in the drawer. He remained still on the bed, in a state of shock. Before I left the bedroom, I turned around and looked at him one last time.
“I love you.” I whispered before I turned and walked out the door, leaving my heart behind me.
I drove away from Finn’s house with my two boxes, a broken heart, and a new outlook on life. Heading out of town I hit the interstate heading east, and it didn’t take long for my cell phone to start going off.
“Em, where the hell are you? Ky said you were with Finn, but I called him and he said you left twenty minutes ago.”
“I left Harper.”
“Okay, well do you want me to pick something up for dinner? We can talk about how it went seeing Finn again.”
This was going to be harder than I thought.
“No, I mean I left.” I paused giving her a second to catch up. “I’m not coming home.”
She was quiet.
“Are you still there?”
“What the hell do you mean you aren’t coming home? What’s going on Emilyn?” She was getting worked up.
I sighed. “I’m not trying to be rude or mean Harper, I just think it’s time I had a fresh start. So many places in that town have a memory attached to them. I can hardly turn a corner without remembering something Finn and I shared, or being reminded of my son.”
“Where are you going?”
“Honestly, I don’t know yet. I’m going to head east and probably try someplace warmer than it is here.” The cold didn’t help my mood.
“How long are you going to be gone?” She sounded sad.
I shrugged my shoulders but realized she couldn’t see me. “I don’t know, a while I think.”
“Did something happen while you were with Finn today? If he did something to you I swear to god I’ll remove his nuts through a pinhole!”
I laughed. “God Harper, you’re so violent! No nothing happened, not really.”
I didn’t feel the need to go into detail with her about Finn and I making love, or even our conversation after it.
“Well, is there anything that I can do? Are you planning on calling me, or telling me where you’re at?”
Tears were at the surface again, and I was so tired of crying today.
“Yeah actually there is. Could you tell my parents for me? Let them know that I’ll call them when I find a place to stay. And as for you, of course I’ll call you! But you have to swear to me that you won’t tell Ky or Finn where I’m at. I need to do this and learn to live on my own. I can’t do that if either one of them comes knocking on my door.” I paused again. “And Harper…?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you. I couldn’t have made it through any of this without you. I’m sorry I’m just leaving you high and dry but I know you would have talked me out of it if I’d stayed to say goodbye.”
She chuckled and sniffled into the phone. “Maybe.”
“Listen, I don’t know when I’ll call again, but give me a couple of days and I’ll get in touch, okay?” I said softly.
“Please take care of yourself Em. A girl can go psycho and massacre the whole male population and its hookers if she goes without her best friend for too long.”
I laughed.
“I will. Love you Harp!”
“Love you to.”
Hanging up the phone I set it in the center console and continued my trip east. I felt free; nothing to hold me back but myself. I let go of every bit of my hurt and pain with each mile that took me further from my home town. Cranking up my radio, I put my shades on and started my new life.
I stopped at two small, off the map motels on my way down to Florida. At each of them I couldn’t help but think of Harper’s face and how disgusted she would have been at the décor. But as I was exhausted and only cared about a place to lay my head, a five star hotel wasn’t a priority. I tried my hardest not to think about Finn and the fact that he probably wouldn’t approve of the places I chose either, but his reasons would be because they probably weren’t the safest. Each night though, I locked the doors and slide the safety chain in to place.