Well, even if she didn’t feel that way, was it right for her to impose her depressed spirits on everyone else?
No, it wasn’t. No matter what she felt like, wasn’t it her duty to put on a sociable mask?
Besides, entertainments like this meant she wouldn’t really have to put on more than the mask. When she thought about it, she realized that anyone who was really listening to the music wouldn’t require anything from her except that she not be dissolved in tears.
So when she sent a note back to Bardic thanking them, she asked if it would be possible for them to supply musicians of the various levels of expertise to her as they had to her father—and as often. The immediate response was that they would be overjoyed to do so, and would even save her the trouble of trying to decide on informal entertainments by setting them up with her household, as they had done for Sendar.
With great relief, she let them know that this was perfect. And she led her Court into the Great Hall for the concert, then settled into her seat, enthroned among the courtiers, with Ambassador Isadere at her left, thinking that tonight was turning out to be something of a respite after all. And the gods knew she needed one. She wasn’t feeling up to an evening of bright conversation with her foreign guests tonight; she’d been fighting melancholy all day, knowing that it would take next to nothing to make her break out in tears. Now, with not only the ambassador, but his entire entourage listening with rapt attention to the musicians, she could lean back in her chair and wait for the evening to be over.
Or so she thought.
“Majesty, are you well?” whispered Lord Orthallen. He leaned over the arm of his chair toward her, his voice pitched so that it would not disturb anyone else, and to his credit, he really did look concerned.
She smiled faintly at him, and nodded. He raised an eyebrow, as if he didn’t entirely believe her, but turned his attention back to the music.
She glanced over at Herald Talamir, who did not appear to have noticed the interchange. But then, it was difficult to tell, these days, what Talamir did and did not see. It was even more difficult to tell what he thought about what he saw.
In fact, he was sitting back in his chair, eyes half-closed, and he looked exactly like a statue—except that there was nothing of the solidity of a statue about him. How he managed this, she could not tell, but these days Talamir didn’t entirely seem to be in the here and now, as it were. His manner was often preoccupied, as if listening to and watching something no one else could hear or see. And to her mind, there was a suggestion of translucency about him, the spirit somehow shining through the flesh. When there was something that really required his attention, he was almost like his old self, but when there wasn’t, he was almost like a ghost-made-flesh, and not altogether contented with that state.
He made a great many people uneasy, without any of them being able to articulate why. He made Selenay uneasy, as a matter of fact; she could never glance at him—except in the times when he was very much in the here-and-now—without an involuntary shiver.
And yet, there were plenty of people who saw no difference in him at all. People like Orthallen, for instance; they acted in Talamir’s presence now exactly as they had acted in Talamir’s presence before the last battle.
Before he died, and was dragged back to life. . . .
That was the crux of it, of course. Heralds, Healers, and Bards almost all sensed it. Talamir was a man in two worlds now, and most of his concentration seemed to be taken up with the unseen world. That was why Selenay just could not bring herself to confide in him, even though that was what the function of the Queen’s Own was supposed to be.
How could I sit there and tell him things? she wondered wearily. Even if he wasn’t a man, and as old as my father. It would be like trying to share girl-secrets with a particularly unworldly priest. . . .
And anyway, Talamir had been her father’s closest friend—which was only as it should have been, of course, but how could she tell him how much she missed her father and cry on his shoulder, when surely Talamir missed him as much, or more? It would be too cruel, too cruel for words. Talamir had already suffered so much pain, losing his own Companion to death as well as Sendar and so many other friends—No, it would be too cruel to inflict further pain on him that way.
As for sharing her scarcely-articulate longing for, well, romance—
Oh, no. He would never, ever understand. And she’d get a grave, well-considered, perfectly reasonable lecture about her duties as Queen, and how great power required great responsibility.
As if she didn’t know, as if she didn’t feel all that with every pulse of blood through her veins.
But that didn’t stop her from wanting it. Even though most of the younger members of her Court were probably going to make arranged marriages in the end, that didn’t stop them from flirtations and even outright courtship. After all, there was always the chance that both sets of parents would be pleased to find that an alliance had been made.
And even if they weren’t, well, as one young lady had tearfully put it, unaware that Selenay was eavesdropping from the other side of the hedge, “It will give me something to remember when I’m wedded to that awful old man—”
But a Queen couldn’t have flirtations. And of course she knew that only too well. Knowing she couldn’t was bad enough, but being reminded of that fact by someone like Talamir would only make it worse. Her father would have understood; he’d been able to marry for love. He’d always said he didn’t want to see her sacrificed to a marriage of state, but with him gone, and with no telling what needs might arise, she had to count on sacrificing herself.
She felt a lump rising in her throat and closed her eyes against the sting of tears, fighting them back. This was neither the place nor the time to display weakness.
It was at that moment that she felt, with a sense of shock, someone press a folded bit of paper into her hand.
Her eyes flew open in time for her to see Lord Orthallen, removing his hand from hers. Their eyes met, and he nodded gravely, then sat back again.
For one brief moment, an incredulous thought came into her head. A love note? From Orthallen?