He grimaces, blows out a breath, and I barely hear the words “Fuck it,” before familiar hands are grabbing my cheeks and bruising lips are kissing me hard and fast. He’s punishing me and loving me all at the same time. He’s saying goodbye through a kiss so powerful how could it possibly mean the end?
He pulls away, my hands reach out, and without so much as a glance back, he leaves the rooftop.
A sob rips from my chest, numbness takes over, and my mind goes blank. Nothing can pull me out of this feeling right now. On auto pilot, I fall into the chair. Pulling my legs up onto the edge of the seat, I rest my chin on my knees and cry myself into a gut-wrenching oblivion of self-loathing. It’s my fault, all of it. I’d thrown us to the wolves in my head, sacrificing any chance we might have had at a future, dooming us from the beginning all because my mind refused to believe what my heart already knew. I loved him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Mason
Two months later.
I still close my eyes, thinking about her. I wake up, thinking about her. I fucking breathe Lindsey. She’s stealing my air supply. I can’t survive. Not like this.
“All right, I’m out, guys. See you Sunday afternoon. Cass, you coming with?”
I barely hear Elias’ voice mentioning the ritual Sunday night dinner through the fog, blocking everything out of my mind but the work in front of me. I’ve buried myself knee deep in cases, working my ass off as some sort of distraction, along with keeping Charlotte on lock down when she’s not at school. It’s irrational and I’m being unreasonable. Charlotte’s sad and confused and it’s causing a rift between us because I don’t know how to deal. I’d come to a crossroads where I had to choose between right and wrong before the path became blurred and there was no turning back.
“Yeah, coming. Bye, guys.” Cassidy waves.
A manly slap on the back pulls me from the report I’ve been staring at for the last half hour at Roamyn’s desk. Something isn’t adding up and my cop intuition is telling me there’s more to the bullshit story with the case file Roamyn threw at me. I put it to the back of my mind and make a note to ask him about it later.
“Mase, it’s late. Go home to Charlotte. Have a fucking drink and relax, man. It’s Friday and we’re only on call for the weekend, so with any luck, nothing fucked-up will happen and we’ll actually get a few days off for a change.”
I scrub my hands over my face before putting the file back down. I stand from his desk so I can finish off the reports in my office. “I’ve got some shit to sign off on and I’m done, all right.”
“It can wait, man. You’re first in and last out every damn day lately. Take a breather,” he yells out after me.
I stop, sucking in a deep breath. I turn around to face him and give him more than I’ve given anyone else lately because he’s right. I’m in first and out last and if I don’t get my head together, it’s going to take its toll on all of us, including Charlotte, and I can’t have that. I’ve been avoiding reality in the only place I actually have some goddamn control. Outside of this office, I’m not the one calling the shots. I have no control. It spirals me into the fucked-up state of mind that warps me in my sleep and I can’t fucking handle it. It’s one thing to be trapped in your own nightmares, it’s a whole fucking other story when that feeling becomes real.
“I can’t, Roam, or I’ll have to think about shit other than work, and Charlotte, and I’m trying to avoid that if you hadn’t noticed,” I snap back without meaning to, but no anger bounces back at me. He gets it, like he always does. We all have our shit to deal with and nobody gets that more than Roamyn. He’s been my best friend since we met in the first few days at the police academy and I’m lucky to have him at my back because I’ve never met another cop like him. He’s fueled by a fuck of a lot more than the drive to protect and serve.
“Oh, I’ve noticed. So has everybody else. Just putting it out there for you, man, you haven’t got to keep that shit locked up, ‘cause you’re not fooling anyone. We all know you’re fucked up over Lindsey,” he says sympathetically, his eyes full of concern. “I get what happened in the park was huge for you. I can’t imagine how you felt in those moments, so just know I’m not saying this to rile you up. But what happened, it was an accident and that shit is not on Lindsey. It wasn’t her fault some psychotic asshole came after her and I’m sure you know that. Sure, it put Charlotte in harm’s way and that’s not okay because it could have ended really fucking badly. But shit like that doesn’t happen every day and you know that too. Plus Stiles is behind bars again and probably won’t ever get out of prison anyway. So what I’m getting at is, why let one accident ruin everything with the woman who’s got you like nobody else ever will?”
“Yeah, I get it, I do. It’s fucked up, but there’s more to it than that.” I glance around the room avoiding his eyes because I don’t want to lie to him, but I sure as fuck can’t tell him the truth. So instead, I go with a distraction because I really do need to get home to Charlotte and relieve Cora from babysitting duty. “You know, for a guy who’s never had a relationship with a woman lasting a second longer than the moment he pulls his dick out of her, you sure are pulling out the big guns on the love front.”
He laughs and sweeps up his keys and shit off the desk.
“Look, all I’m saying is, whatever happened between you two, if it’s eating at you as much as it has been, than I’d say it’s been the same for her. Any fool could see you two were fucking made for each other. So get over it, man. Suck it up and get your girl back before it’s too late.”
I flick the office light switches off and we head out in the main room of the busy precinct. Any time of any day and this room is filled with utter chaos because this city really doesn’t fucking sleep.
“Not that simple.”
“Okay, gonna put it to you this way and then I’ll drop it. Lindsey, she’s a catch. I know she’s a good woman, too. I’ve seen her with your girl. You had it all. I also know she’s not the kind of woman to wait around forever for you to get over your shit. She’s strong as steel, so don’t fuck it up and realize your mistake when it’s too damn late. Trust me…” he trails off, staring out into the night as we hit the outside of the building. “You’ll regret it.”
The pain in his voice is as clear as day and I know his mind has wandered to Alison. She refused to see him after shit went down with them so he’s stayed away and now it’s been months since they’ve spoken.
“Yeah, you got a point there,” I mutter, hailing a taxi. “All right, man, I’ll catch you Sunday.”
“Yeah, later.” Roamyn waves me off and the taxi pulls into the traffic, leaving me time to think. Roamyn’s right, because I know I’ll never love anyone like I love Lindsey. But what if love isn’t enough? We have to have trust. Right now, we have none.
***
Dread suffocates me. I can’t breathe. My feet pound up the stairs and with every step, my thighs burn with fire. The cries echo in my ears, so I run faster. Just a few more steps. Sweat drips down my temples and I tighten my slippery hands around my gun. The crying gets louder, my heart thumps faster. I’m nearly there.
But I don’t make it in time. I never do. I run down the dark hallway shooting the door handle on the door at the end of the hall. I reach it, pushing it open.
No! Don’t shoot her.
Bang.
Too late.
Oxygen refills my lungs. I sit up gasping for the air my body so badly needs. My hair and chest are saturated in sweat so I push down the sheets with my feet, and roll to the side of the bed. I sit on the edge, hanging my head. I lean it in my hands, with my elbows on my thighs. I squeeze my eyes shut wanting to block out the last few hours. Different night, same damn nightmare.